AITA for not letting my sister secretly see my daughter behind my husband’s back?’

A Reddit user shares a difficult situation involving her sister, her husband, and her daughter. She has been facing relationship issues with her husband, who initially didn’t want children. Despite their troubles, he’s good to their daughter, who is about to turn 3.

Recently, her sister confronted her husband about his treatment of her, which has caused tension with his family and worsened their relationship.

Her husband has now banned her sister from seeing their daughter, and while her sister wants to celebrate the child’s birthday with a secret visit, the Reddit user doesn’t want to risk further conflict. Tensions rise as her other siblings refuse to attend the birthday party unless the sister is invited. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not letting my sister secretly see my daughter behind my husband’s back?’

I don’t have the best relationship with my husband right now because he didn’t want children and I refused to have an a**rtion when it came down to it. Our daughter is turning 3 soon and despite the issues we have, he’s good to her and that’s the only thing that matters to me.

2 months ago my sister confronted him over how he treats me in front of his family. I didn’t ask her to, in fact I specifically told her it was a very bad idea but she did it anyway. During her confrontation she told him that I was only staying with him for money which has impacted my relationship with my in-laws.

They were originally supportive and on my side but now they’re not which has made things worse between my husband and I. Now my husband has banned my sister from seeing our daughter. I don’t agree with him but given the situation I think it’s best to give everyone time to calm down.

Since my daughter is turning 3 soon my sister wants to see her to celebrate her birthday. My husband isn’t going to be here so she thinks I can just secretly take our daughter to hers but my husband will find out so I don’t want to risk it. We keep fighting over it because she doesn’t think there’s any way he could possibly find out, but I know him and I know he will.

I was planning to have a small party for my daughter with my family but my other siblings are refusing to come unless I invite my sister too. My dad is the only person who understands where I’m coming from, everyone else thinks I’m acting spineless.. AITA?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

kol_al −  So, your daughter is 3 years old and you and your husband are still in a bad place because you kept your child? That’s what you need to be focused on, not on your sister. Get yourself into therapy to unravel why you are in this situation and how you can get out.

If your husband is verbally a**sive and/or neglectful, that’s for the two of you to work through. Your sister’s behavior may have brought things to a head, that’s not a reason to make things worse by going behind your husband’s back. NTA for not making a bad situation worse. You need to stop talking about this with your family and get professional help.

Illustrious_Bird9234 −  ESH. Whoa what a d**zy. You’re not the a**hole for not making the situation worse. Your sister massively overstepped. You and your husband need therapy asap or a divorce this dynamic is ridiculous and you have to know you can’t raise your daughter in it.

She’s 3 years old it’s time for YOU to be more proactive if your husband refuses to budge you need to leave him. Your daughter growing up watching you be hated won’t be good for her, you, or your relationship with her

Away_Refuse8493 −  ESH… right? No one in this story (minus your daughter, who is innocent) is acting on their best behavior. You left a lot of question marks (like, your husband didn’t want to be a dad but you have a 3-year old, THIS is why your relationship is bad, but you aren’t divorced or separated… umm?).

Are you staying with your husband for money? Is your husband really a “good dad” or passable? I don’t know. It sounds like you’ve made some bad life choices and while your sister shouldn’t be talking to your in-laws, I wonder how much she is questioning you and your husband’s impact on your kid’s mental health… b/c I am.

GhostParty21 −  Burning bridges with your family for a man who treats you poorly and a broken relationship. I’m sure that will end well. 

Tough_Crazy_8362 −  ESH – you had a baby that your husband didn’t want (~~you~~ neither person took enough precautions to prevent pregnancy)
– your husband is isolating you from family – your sister stuck her nose where it doesn’t belong (confrontation)

– (if what she said was true) you’re only with him for the money – I assume you’re financially dependent and using this as an excuse not to leave your a**sive relationship (which it is btw)

AGirlHasNoGame_ −  ESH. 1. We dont know the background. If you knew before hand your husband was childfree, yall should’ve taken better precautions with BC, both of you have every right to be upset at the situation, he didnt want kids, and you’re allowed to change your mind but I mean having a kid with someone you KNEW was childfree is going to come with some aftershock.

It seems like in fairness his issue is with you and not your kid, he treats her well now that she’s here but clearly both of you haven’t gotten over the fact that you want different things and that’s fair. Without knowing the background about how the conversations went prior to having your daughter I can’t make a judgment on your treatment of each other.

(Also, I REALLY hope yall have better birth control methods now) Honestly, it sounds like yall need marriage counseling or to just split and coparent.

2. I need everyone to STOP saying he’s isolating you from your family bc he’s not, he’s not banning you from your family, he’s not saying you can’t see them, he’s understandably removing his child from the person he has an issue with. He didn’t even say you’re not allowed to see your sister.

He just said he doesn’t want his daughter near her, which, to be fair, makes sense. She told him to his face you were using him for his money, she berated him and this was after you told her not to you, so what’s to stop her from talking s**t about yor husband when your daughters around to pick up on it.

Actions have consequences, now where he messed up was making the decision unilaterally and not talking with you, but honestly if my in law pulled a stunt like this, it’s all well and good for my partner to stay in their lives but I wouldn’t want myself or my kids around that person….

and your sister is a COMPLETE a**hole for telling you to lie to your husband regarding your kid. I mean, your marriage is on the rocks. If you do that, it would be over, which is what your sister wants.

I’m sorry, but I understand sorta where your sister is coming from, but all of this is entirely her fault because she couldn’t mind her business, and she also went too far, and these are the consequences.

Frankly, your family are the ones isolating your not your husband in this one, your sister may have been well intentioned but her actions were wrong and it’s fair for your husband to feel some kind of way, instead of accepting her consequences, or waiting for things to calm down your sisters making this worse and your family rallying behind her instead of staying out of it are pushing you away.

Like, I love my sibling, but if they went on a rant and told my inlaws that a sibling was just using them for money… I’d completely understand why they weren’t on the next party invite.

lobsterp0t −  ESH. I actually think it is outrageous to make a one sided call about bringing a child into the world within a marriage where one person doesn’t want to have and raise kids. But you do you. Your husband made a choice to stay and raise the kid so he needs to accept his own decision.

ARE you staying because he financially supports you? Or are you staying because you want to be married to this man who is unwillingly raising your shared kid?. Your sister was way over the line. Neither you nor your husband sound like you act as a partnership. Where is the trust and where is the mutual respect?

And you’re putting your kid in the middle of your adult problems.. This is a big mess.

lyralady −  **INFO: OP, do you realize what this sounds like?** * don’t have the best relationship with my husband * …because I refused to have an a**rtion * **right now** because he didn’t want children \[…\] Our daughter **is turning 3 soon** * **he’s good to** ***her*** and that’s the only thing that matters to me.. * despite the **issues** we have

* sister confronted him over ***how he treats me in front of his family.*** i told her **it was a very bad idea** \[to confront him about his behavior\] * husband has **banned** my sister from seeing our daughter. * **my husband will find out so I don’t want to risk it** … I know him and **I know he will**.

so to be clear, what *I* heard from this is the following:. * i am in a bad relationship * a large part of this is because my husband didn’t want kids and didn’t get a vasectomy, but I didn’t have an a**rtion. * four years later (3 years + pregnancy) my husband STILL brings this up/resents me because of it

* he is good to our daughter, but not to me. because he is good to our daughter, i will “deal” with how he treats me. * we have even more issues *beyond* the child-free vs. not tension. what i say next hints at the fact that there are many more things wrong in this relationship.

* my sister has *seen* that he treats me poorly in front of his own family. it’s clear to outsiders that he mistreats me, at the very least verbally/emotionally in front of his loved ones and mine.

* he has a temper or is aggressive, and escalates conflicts or turns it around on me, which is why i didn’t want my sister to say anything, because I knew he would react badly to her criticism of how he treats me in front of other people. * my husband is banning our daughter from seeing my sister, which is isolating me and her from our family.

* my sister questioning how he treats me badly in front of his family led to him trying to prevent her from being around or in contact with me, because she threatened his ability to mistreat me without consequences or commentary. he is preventing me from seeking support or companionship from my family, even though his family now has a negative opinion of me.

* my sister thinks I can visit her while he’s gone, but I know that he tracks me somehow – through my car, phone, or other methods, and ***would*** find out. this is because he controls or monitors my actions, even when he is not physically present.

* i am scared of the negative consequences of him finding out I saw my sister with our daughter – that is, “disobeying” him. op you’re in an a**sive relationship. maybe i’m WILDLY off base here, but the way you worded things is why i specifically inferred all of the above.

if a friend told me this, i would start trying to get her connected to a domestic abuse hotline. either you’re severely misrepresenting things, or you’re in a t**ic, a**sive relationship because leaving costs money (which is probably what your sister was badly trying to argue.)

Karabaja007 −  “Mommie, why does daddy treat you badly?”, “Oh, honey, it’s just because he didn’t want you and is still mad at me. But I can’t leave cause he has the money bags”. Ridiculous situation.

He is 4 years mad at you and you have s**tty relationship. And if he is still mad at you, then how can he possibly be a good dad, cause that child is the reason. This situation doesn’t sound realistic at all. ESH

Ok_Horror_4389 −  Information: i think you have to shed a bit more light on youre relationship. From what you say youre husband treats you. Ot that well in generall and you probably should consider to resolve that in one way or another before you look for aholes

Do you think the user’s decision to keep her sister from seeing her daughter was justified given the family tension, or should she have prioritized the celebration? How would you handle the situation if you were in her shoes? Share your thoughts below!