AITA for telling my dad he should have talked to me before setting expectations about what I will and won’t do?

A Reddit user shared their experience as the oldest sibling after their father remarried. Having lost their mother when they were young, the user has taken on a parental role for their younger sisters, Lauren and Kyla. However, after their father married Jean, he expected the user to extend that same support to Jean’s children, Conor and Ruby.

When asked to walk Ruby to school, the user expressed that they had not agreed to take on that responsibility and felt hurt that their father had set those expectations without consulting them first.  This led to a confrontation where the user explained that they see Jean’s kids more like roommates than family, which upset both their father and Jean.

Read the original story below to see how the situation unfolded and share your thoughts.

‘ AITA for telling my dad he should have talked to me before setting expectations about what I will and won’t do?’

 

My dad has me (17m) and my two sisters Lauren (13) and Kyla (9). He’s married to “Jean” and she has two kids. Conor (12) and Ruby (6). They got married 3 years ago. It was just the four of us for many years before that. Mom died 3 months after she had Kyla. So Kyla never knew her and Lauren doesn’t remember her that well.

As the oldest and given our dad is… totally imperfect and has more flaws that positives as a dad, I became a sort of parental figure and protective big brother for my sisters. I helped them get ready for school, would walk them to school, would babysit, would help with homework, would let them come into my bedroom if they had nightmares.

I raised my sisters more than dad did. Sometimes I even went to doctors appointments with them because dad would be distracted by stuff. When he got married to Jean, nothing huge changed. My sisters and I stayed close. I did a little less. But I did that stuff for my sisters, not for Jeans kids. Conor doesn’t care and he does his own thing.

But he doesn’t pay attention to Ruby and spends most of his time with friends or when he is home he wants to be alone. Jean feels bad for Ruby and had told my dad that before. He told her I would always be there if Ruby needed someone and that I was the big brother little girls deserve. He never told me what he said.

I never said I would treat Conor and Ruby the same. I speak to Ruby if she’s around but I don’t go out of my way for her. I don’t love her or care about her as a family member. She’s more like a roommate in my eyes, same goes for Conor and Jean. Ruby was having trouble on the school bus and Jean was telling my dad about it.

So he told her they’d let me know and I could walk Ruby to school on my way to school. That I did it/do it with my sisters. They assumed I would jump right in but I said no when dad told me.

Jean was in the next room listening and she started to cry and she told me Ruby needed me to kick the big brother routine up for her because she feels like nobody wants her at home and she’s having trouble on the school bus and at school. She told me I was always supposed to embrace being the big brother to four instead of two.

I told her I never said that. She went for a walk because she needed to clear her head. Dad told me he had reassured Jean that I could do it and I was a great brother. I told him he should have talked to me before setting expectations about what I will and won’t do and that I would never agree to do all the things for Jean’s kids that I did for my sister.

He asked why the hell not and I told him the difference is I love my sisters. They are my family. I don’t love Jean’s kids and I don’t see them as family. They’re roommates just like he’s a roommate more than a parent or family. He told me I’m showing an unwillingness to grow and a negativity that isn’t fair to Ruby. And that my outrage shows that.. AITA?

Heres the input from the Reddit crowd:

GreekAmericanDom −  NTA. What is it with remarried parents demanding the children of their blended families to magically turn into a loving family without even considering the actual feelings of the children involved. I blame the Brady Bunch. Look, you were parentified for your sisters.

Already that wasn’t fair to you, though kudos for doing that for them out of love. Expecting you to do it again for people you didn’t choose is too much. And make that clear. you didn’t choose Jean. You didn’t choose Connor or Ruby. Your dad. It’s is responsibility. Not yours.

Stardust_Shinah −  Nta. Setting boundaries is hard when you’ve been parentified but I hope you’re proud of yourself for setting that boundary. The fact is Ruby is Jean’s kid and if Ruby is struggling it’s on her mom to get her adequate help not offload her responsibilities on a child in the home. Don’t let your father made you feel bad, you have every right to say no.

Rainbowbright31 −  I would say “it’s ironic you are mad that I won’t do things for someone I am not related to, when you couldn’t manage to do half the stuff you were supposed to for your kids” NTA

fanofthethings −  NTA. Your dad needs to grow up and look at reality. Stand your ground. I feel bad for Ruby, but maybe they should be badgering her biological brother instead of you. Or I don’t know… do it themselves.

Sorry you’re dealing with this. Kids being forced to be parents is tough. I’m sure it’s made all the difference in the world for your sisters though. So thank you on their behalves.

Ambitious-Border-906 −  NTA! Why should you care about Ruby, when it is patently obvious your dad doesn’t care about any of his kids! He should not be expecting any more from you than he’s prepared to put in himself. He’s the AH, not you.

I_wanna_be_anemone −  NTA You’ve already picked up the slack for your dad’s failures as a parent in all those years your mom died. You never agreed to take on that responsibility, you did it in memory of your mom.
Might be worth telling Jean flat out to her face how the situation really is, how you’ve been the one shouldering most of the parental burden raising your sisters all these years. That you don’t respect your dad for failing you all consistently after your mom died, that anything he promised Jean on you and your sisters behalf is absolute bs.

That you’re sorry she fell for his lies but you don’t have the emotional or mental capacity to give a damn about anyone not your sisters at this point from years of being the only reliable parental figure they have. She chose to marry a subpar lying AH, and she’ll have to deal with her own family issues as a result. 

Or tell her to take a leaf out of your dad’s book and just d**p all the additional responsibility for looking after Ruby on Conor until he resents his mom. 

fiestafan73 −  The guy who has left you to parent your sisters and calls it being a big brother says that you are negative and refuse to grow? Your father is an AH. Feel free to tell that useless lump I said so. NTA.

Backgrounding-Cat −  NTA good thing you will be moving out soon

TooCool_TooFool −  So a man who hasn’t grown an inch during his many years of parenthood is requesting his son grow a little more as a person to help out someone he doesn’t care for. She has a brother, he’s certainly old enough to do this without your help. Best of luck to them convincing him.

NTA. I don’t think anybody, even family, has ever offered my help without at least letting me know the expectations beforehand. It’s also very disrespectful to just assume somebody can or will do something without really being asked.

b00kbat −  NTA. Why does the actual big brother not have this expectation of being the best big brother a little girl deserves? You’re a great brother to your sisters, Conor just gets to do whatever? I’m sure the exclusion by the sibling she’s known since birth stings more than anything you’ve done.

Do you think the user was justified in refusing to take on the role of a big brother for Ruby, or should they have been more willing to embrace their father’s expectations? How would you handle a similar situation in a blended family? Share your opinions and experiences in the comments below!