AITA for ripping a shirt, in front of my Mom, that she just bought me?

A Reddit user (16M) shares his frustration over his mom’s (46F) constant habit of buying him clothes he doesn’t like, despite repeatedly asking her to stop. After trying to politely refuse for months, he reached his limit and tore a shirt in front of her when she brought home yet another unwanted item.

Now, his mom is upset and the family is divided on whether he went too far. Read the full story below to see how this tense family conflict unfolded.

‘ AITA for ripping a shirt, in front of my Mom, that she just bought me?’

 

I (16M) love my mom (46F). She’s a very nice and sweet lady and she goes out of her way for me and my brothers. However she takes it a bit too far. One of the things she does is buy me clothes. Whenever she goes somewhere that isn’t Walmart or a grocery store she has a brand new shirt or new jeans.

It’s very nice of her, but there’s 2 problems. A) The shirts she buys are very u**y. You know those shirts at JC penny that are just sitting on a random shelf, the ones with like a palm tree on them or something? That’s what she gets me. B) She’s been doing this for a few years. I am up to my a**hole in new clothes.

I have like 12 shirts I wear regularly, the rest still have the tags on them. Whenever she goes to the Salvation Army and I hand her all these clothes she complains about it.
So I decided to bring this up with her and told her I appreciate the thought, but I do not want her to buy me clothes anymore. She said ok.

But she still buys me clothes all the time. At first I begrudgingly accepted them and told her to stop. Then I began to refuse the shirts and told her to return them. She returns them, but still buys clothes. She has even started to complain about how much she has to return shirts now.

Anyway, it kept going and I kept getting louder about it, making it clear I do NOT want her to buy me clothes anymore. I reached a boiling point and decided I wasn’t going to be polite about it anymore. I told her flat out the next time she buys me new clothes, I’m either throwing them away or ripping it, because apparently asking her “No” is not enough. Again, she just said “Ok I’ll stop.”

Well, you can probably guess what happened next. She came back from the store and the first thing she said to me was “I know you told me to stop buying you clothes, but…” and pulled out another u**y shirt. I took it, put my foot in the neck hole and ripped the thing down the middle. I just handed it back to her and walked off.

She’s been pretty upset about it and has actually been crying about it. We haven’t talked since (it’s been a day and a half) and we’ve been kind of avoiding each other. My brothers get where I’m coming from but think I took it a step too far.

My Dad is on the fence about it, I’ve talked to him about this before and he agrees with me but I also don’t think he wants to take my side on a subject she’s this distraught about. I feel rotten about it, but at the same time I’ve asked her for months to stop, and I was pretty patient about up until like 3 weeks ago and I didn’t know what else to do.

Don’t twist this, I love my Mom and recognize how much she cares for me. I want to apologize but I feel like if I do this problem will persist. I know it’s a nice gesture but she also knows how much it annoys me and still she does it.. Am I the A**hole here?

See what others had to share with OP:

CuriousEmphasis7698 −  NTA. It sounds like actually destroying the shirt was the last step borne out of sheer screaming frustration because after repeatedly asking her to not but more shirts, and then making her return shirts, and giving her piles of unused shirts to go as donations Mom still wasn’t getting the message to stop buying stuff.

If gentle methods weren’t working, and based on OPs post, they weren’t working after multiple discussion attempts and even extracting promises that the shirt buying would stop, sometimes drastic measures are in fact called for.

Middle_Raspberry2499 −  NTA. Have you ever asked your mom *why* she buys you clothes? Try asking on a long car trip when it’s just the two of you. And then pls come back here and tell us; I really want to know!

Rudhito −  NTA. I have some experience being as patient as possible with people regularly doing agitating things then finally just outright telling them ‘If you do it again, this is what’s gonna happen.’ and then they do it again…And then I’m painted as the bad guy for being honest. It’s b**lshit, whoever it happens to, period.

You were polite about it for a long time. And then she kept lying that she would stop. And then you told her up-front you’d destroy the next one. You’ve kept your word. You’re never an a**hole for having integrity. She returns them, but still buys clothes. She has even started to complain about how much she has to return shirts now.

That is entirely her problem caused by her refusal to accept your utterly reasonable request. The audacity to even try to flip that like it’s a burden you’re putting onto her…How dare she. Like, this subreddit is called ‘Am I The A**hole?’ for the sake of catchiness more than anything (‘Am I In The Wrong?’ wouldn’t hit the same) but that is actually proper a**hole behavior.

*I know it’s a nice gesture* but she also knows how much it annoys me and still she does it. *That is incorrect*. Thoughtful, considered gifts are a nice gesture. Grabbing up whatever random thing just because she’s out is **not thoughtful**.

Neither is never thinking about the surplus she’s putting on you, taking up space that could be used for things you actually like. Giving you things you find h**eous without ever even discussing your style preference is **not considerate**. Neither is never taking into account what sort of clothing you like or that she’s actually seen you wear.

And lying to you repeatedly while continuing to do something that she knows (if she pays your words any attention, which it seems like maybe she doesn’t) consistently and increasingly annoys you, and then guilting *you* about it, is **not nice**.

Now, if this had been an *impulse*, I’d say *maybe* apologize but she just kept on and was told exactly what would happen in advance. Absolutely do not apologize for her *inability to care enough about you to listen to you*.

That’s what this is at its core. Maybe she’s too busy doing *utterly* *thoughtless token gestures then guilt-tripping you about them* to realize how not-nice it all really is but you can show her this. ‘Cause she’s probably not being *malicious* but she is absolutely not being nice. You know that saying ‘It’s the thought that counts’?

It’s a thing people say when, like, they can’t afford a particular wanted thing or have to go cheap on holidays, maybe just even a homemade bauble. Basically, they still thought about you even if it’s not the top-shelf of things you wanted. But a lot of people twist the expression into ‘If you receive a thing, *any thing*, shut up and be grateful.’

But ‘Here’s just *a* thing because people gives gifts, I guess, so I’m obligated or whatever.’ has zero thought behind it and doesn’t need to be treated otherwise. She *isn’t thinking about you* when she does this. She’s thinking ‘Gee, I hear people give stuff to people sometimes.

Maybe I will try this human behavior.’ She understands the bare-surface transaction but not the actual substance that makes it meaningful. It’s the thought that counts and she’s not only giving zero thought but refusing to take feedback that might generate some thought about it and then making you the bad guy for her inability to listen and your integrity to keep your word.

Fit-Try7808 −  NTA It sounds like your mom could definitely use some therapy. It comes across as a shopping addiction mixed with a little bit of being afraid that you’re growing up too fast. And she can’t handle that. You don’t need her as much as you used to.

Busy-Pomegranate6889 −  You’re NTA on paper, but IRL you’re, unfortunately, a small AH. You’re probably on the cusp of realising that parent are really just people, and not the hero’s we spend our whole adolescent lives looking up to. And like all people, they’re deeply flawed and actually have zero idea what they’re doing.

Even your dad in this situation is “urrrmmm idk”. Surprise! You did really well asserting yourself and repeatedly trying to set your boundaries. It takes some mums a lifetime to understand that their baby is now an adult and they can, and do, live a life that’s different from what they imagined.

Your mum is probably feeling like you’re still a kid. But you’re not. It’s ok to choose what you want to wear. She also feels that she’s loosing that close connection you had when you were younger and did wear whatever she’d like, go where ever shed like, constantly look up to her as that hero figure.

And the more you “rebel” the more she thinks she can fix it by doing what she did when you were younger. When mum comes back from the store with a toy, kids are excited and show their love. Problem is you’re not a child anymore. And as much as your mum should realise this on her own, she’s probably going to need some coaching through it.

If it were me I’d ask your mum if you can take her out for a coffee, your treat, or go for a walk around the neighbourhood with a coffee you’ve made. This puts you in neutral ground, where you’re also showing her you care about her. Start by telling your mum you’re sorry that you ripped the shirt and it made her upset.

This isn’t saying you’re sorry you ripped the shirt. It’s saying you’re sorry your actions made her sad. Next say, you understand how these gifts are her saying she loves you, and you love her too. That you’d like to arrange a day to go shopping, just the two of you. Together. (Yes this is beyond boring and my idea of a nightmare too, but s**k it up).

Then say you know you’re changing and growing, but what’s not changing is that you love her, you just need a bit more autonomy. A bit of space to spread your wings.
It sounds like you’re a great person. Try to remember parents are flawed people, and so you need consciously invest time to make them feel included and valued, just like any relationship. It’s possible to do this and stick to your boundaries.

IcyParking5041 −  Nta. My ex’s mom was the same. It bled into other aspects of his life. He HAD to eat what she made when she wanted him to. He HAD to cut his hair how she wanted it to when she wanted it to. He HAD to accept whatever clothing she bought for him.

Even when she found a whole wardrobe full of clothes with all their tags intact. Kicker is, she also complained about the amount of money she was wasting when he tried setting boundaries as you have. Many people will ignore and skim the post calling you an ungrateful teen.

But, Good for you to stand up. Your mother is a grown adult who should be respecting her kids ‘no’ especially when they’ve communicated it multiple times. She IS wasting money for something you don’t need.

She should be showing you how it is to respect others but she kept pushing for no reason other than wanting control or having her own issues. If she decided to buy you more clothes just walk away. Or take them, say nothing, and leave them in her room. Over and over.

If she’s the type to go way overboard with how she responds to being ‘disrespected’, (hence the crying), I would rely on yourself to get what you need and make sure to not give in. Just as people will say you can take what she gives easily, she easily could stop spending time and money on things you have told her to not get.

Gumbysfriend −  Bring them to school.write FREE T SHIRTS on the box. I bet they would all be gone within a half hour

Delicious_Meat_8684 −  I think you felt driven to it, but the ripping is kinda AH behaviour. Like some others have suggested, talk to her about WHY she buys them. Tell your Mum you love her, but stay firm she shouldn’t buy these things you’ll never wear, and are now actively upsetting to you. There’s better things she could do with the money!

Mimi_Loves_Fam −  NTA Does your Mom have some kind of compulsive disorder? Does she do this for her other kids? I think you must got to the end of your rope and finally maybe got through to her. Taking the clothes back and keeping the cash sounds like a good response.

Also, asking her why she keeps doing this. She’s brought a lot of stress into your relationship and I winder if it is worth it to her.

Oddly-Appeased −  It’s sounds like your mom has some addiction or compulsion regarding clothes shopping. I can totally understand getting frustrated, even to this point, about her disregard of what you want. You’ve asked nicely, you have done everything you can but she is just not stopping.

Sounds like it’s time for a professional to step in. She needs to get help from someone that can help her understand what is happening and why. The how to resolve this problem. Yeah ripping it apart was mean but what else were you expected to do. Talk to your dad about getting your mom help. NTA