AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ?
A Reddit user is caught in a family conflict involving his ex-wife, her new husband, and their children. The user’s ex and her husband want the children to view the stepdad as an equal father figure, but the kids don’t feel that way.
When asked to encourage the children to take their stepdad to a “Father and Kids BBQ” event, the user refused, believing the decision should be the children’s own. Read the full story below to see how this family dynamic has created tension around fatherhood roles.
‘ AITA for refusing to encourage my kids to take their stepdad to a father and kids BBQ?’
My ex (33f) and I (32m) share two children ages 11 and 9. We broke up 8 years ago. She has since married her husband (39m) and since that point he has attempted to take on the role of second dad to my kids. They do not see him in that way so far.
They are respectful and they listen to him as an adult in one of their homes (custody is shared so they spend an equal amount of time at both houses) but according to my ex they don’t treat their stepdad like he’s their parent or another dad. This has been a source of tension for about 4 years now.
My ex’s husband wanted us to find a way to share father’s day even though the court order says I get father’s day and my ex gets mother’s day. Her husband feels that he plays a significant enough role to get a piece of the day too. I disagree. My ex wanted to find a compromise but her husband hates being around me so us all being together wouldn’t work either.
Why does her husband hate being around me? He hates seeing the kids and me together. e said he feels like a nobody, like he’s an inanimate object and that he ceases to exist to the kids when I’m around. My ex said he just wishes we could both be equal dads in the kids’ eyes but their love goes only to me.
Last year was a particularly tense few days around Father’s Day because I had a broken leg and still did something with the kids, which my ex’s husband found s**fish. He said even “damaged” I couldn’t let him be dad for a day. My ex’s husband can’t have children. She has told me this in an attempt to get me to step aside more.
But I ignore this point. The kids being respectful but not embracing their stepdad as their dad or a third parent is something that really bothers him and my ex. The stepdad’s work has a father and kids BBQ taking place in a couple of weeks. My ex suggested the kids should take their stepdad but they didn’t want to because it’s for father’s and their kids.
She said stepdad’s and grandpa’s would still have people come with them but they didn’t want to. They told her it would feel weird and she asked why and they said because it’s the kind of thing they’d only do with me. Once ex had finished with their talk she called me and told me I need to encourage them to take him.
I had no idea what she was talking about at first, she didn’t explain. Then when she did and I asked her what the kids said I told her I wasn’t going to encourage it. She told me her husband deserves to experience joys during parenting and not just the work.
told her she was making it about her husband and not the kids. I suggested they could all go if she wanted to make it comfortable for them but she said it went against the point of the BBQ and then she called me an ass for refusing.. AITA?
Check out how the community responded:
Comfortable-Sea-2454 − NTA. The stepdad’s work has a father and kids BBQ taking place in a couple of weeks. My ex suggested the kids should take their stepdad but they didn’t want to because it’s for father’s and their kids. . Kids say no, conversation over. told her she was making it about her husband and not the kids.
I suggested they could all go if she wanted to make it comfortable for them but she said it went against the point of the BBQ and then she called me an ass for refusing.
You’re not the one acting like an ass. Your ex and her husband are another story. If he can’t sire kids then they need to look into adoption or fostering and leave your kids alone before they drive them away.
bythebrook88 − My ex’s husband wanted us to find a way to share father’s day even though the court order says I get father’s day and my ex gets mother’s day. Her husband feels that he plays a significant enough role to get a piece of the day too. I disagree.
I wonder how your ex would feel if you expected her to share being a mother with your (hypothetical?) partner? I bet she’d kick up a stink!
Woden2521 − NTA. He needs to grow up and act like an adult. The more he tries to force this wannabe dad stuff on your kids the more likely they will never look at him as a father figure. He needs to back off and just enjoy time with them while they are at your exes.
latents − NTA. He can’t have his own children. That’s too bad. It doesn’t mean that he gets to have yours.
There was another post a while back about a stepmother who told the kid that they wanted to be there for the kid but they accepted that they had parents and was willing to be as much as the child wanted and ended up with a loving relationship. (I don’t have a link but the stepmother was named Mara. Unfortunately the father decided that not being a replacement mother wasn’t good enough.)
SassyNicco − NTA. It’s understandable that ur ex’s husband wants to feel included and bond with the kids, but forcing them to attend a father child event when they don’t see him as a father figure could be uncomfortable and counterproductive. It’s important to respect their feelings and allow the relationships to develop naturally.
Charming-Taro-9819 − NTA. Your ex is prioritizing her husbands feelings over the kids comfort. If they dont want to go with their stepdad forcing it won’ make them see him as a father. You offered a compromise and it’s unfair to push them into something that feels weird to them.
SufficientBasis5296 − NTA. How long do you think it will take your ex to understand that their behavior is only going to strengthen the rift?
phtcmp − NTA. What kind of workplace still has a father/kids only type event in a world full of single parents? Stepdad needs to find a role that fits, and stop overreaching. He isn’t their dad, he isn’t their parent. If he stops pushing to be seen as one, maybe they’ll all come around to a place they can be comfortable.
Kids need positive male influences in their lives. He isn’t being one with his demanding behavior. His resentment of you also sounds like your ex may be saying/doing things that stir that pot.
Massive-Song-7486 − NTA The only opinion that counts is that of the children
East_Parking8340 − He isn’t their father and will never be their father. You are present and active in their lives. The fact he cannot have children of his own has nothing to do with you although it will have had a major role in him picking your ex as his wife (I’m positive she doesn’t realise that the thing he found most appealing about her was that she had children).
I suspect he had the expectation that he would come in and automatically become their shiny new father. He should, in fact, be grateful that **your** children treat him as well as they do, many step kids go out of their way to be disrespectful and rude. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had the vision of adopting your children.
I find it concerning that your ex is trying so hard to push you and your children to see him as dad and wonder if he hasn’t implied (or downright said) that their marriage will not last if **your** children do not treat him as their father.
There seems to be a complete lack of consideration around what the children actually want and trying to go behind their backs to get your support for him to usurp your position is, frankly, farcical.
If he had the balls to develop a relationship with you and **really** try to participate in co-parenting he would get a lot further as the children would see and feel that connection between the two of you. Instead, they see his jealousy and insecurity and that, if it was down to him, you would be cut off completely.
I would be a little concerned about what he and your ex say to your children about you (or what you allegedly said about them) – he, especially, wants to drive a wedge between you and it seems as if he has your ex’s support. You should have regular debriefing sessions with your kids and, whilst I have no doubt you tell them you love them, additional affirmation is never wasted.. NTA.
Was the Redditor right to prioritize his children’s feelings about the event, or should he have encouraged them to involve their stepdad in the BBQ? How would you handle the balance between respecting a child’s choice and supporting a step-parent’s role in their life? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!
