AITA for refusing to help get my stepdaughter’s to their newest extra curricular activity?’

A stepmother is struggling with strained dynamics between her husband’s two daughters (13 and 12) and their mother. Although she voiced concerns about the girls joining a dance class 50 minutes away, her husband agreed to it with his ex-wife.

Now, with no reliable transportation, her husband wants her to help, but she refuses due to other commitments with their younger kids. The ex-wife calls her selfish, and the girls echo their mom’s sentiment that she has no say in their lives. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for refusing to help get my stepdaughter’s to their newest extra curricular activity?’

My husband has two daughters (13 and 12) with his ex-wife. They have been divorced for almost 11 years and we have been married for 7 years and share two kids together ages 6 and 3. His ex-wife is not currently remarried but she did marry twice since the divorce and has two additional children ages 9 and 5.

The co-parenting relationship is very unstable and changeable. Some decisions need to be made via mediation. Others they can agree on to a point. While a few were taken to court for a judge to decided for them. My relationship with my stepdaughters was good until 3 years ago when their mom’s negativity changed how they treat me.

They have expressed that they know their mom doesn’t like me so they won’t like me anymore either. This has been discussed in court and in therapy and nothing has changed. They continue to treat me differently than before. They don’t get away with disrespect but they still are way more than before and they’re colder with me in general.

Now onto the issue where I want to know if I’m TA. My husband and I are typically really good about communicating and he is a supportive husband and father and has done a good job of keeping me out of his ex-wife’s way so she can’t say crap to me and also standing up for me. I don’t join them for talks about the girls.

That’s him and his ex but my husband and I will discuss it. A few months ago the girls said they wanted to take new dance classes 50 minutes from our home. They already do ballet, dancing for fun (which is free) and gymnastics. But these dance classes are different. They’re also more expensive than the other extra curricular’s they do.

I told my husband I thought the new dance classes were too far and too expensive and I said they would not work with the schedule we already have. But when he and his ex sat down to discuss it he agreed to these new dance classes which he and his ex will split 50/50.

When he told me I wasn’t thrilled, because he didn’t tell me he was going to agree to them. But I know it’s not my decision. But I told him I could not and would not help get the girls there. He told me we’d figure something out.

The girls were back with us two days after this talk and they said their mom told them I didn’t want them to do these dance classes and sucks to be me because I don’t have a say because I’m not their parent. My husband told them not to speak to me like that. He was unable to get his parents to take the girls to the new classes so he wanted me to do it.

I put my foot down and said no. He said he can’t because he has to work. I told him I have to drop our 6 year old off at his extra curricular that day and it would not work with time. My husband asked his ex if she’d bring them every week and she’s saying I’m such an a**hole for not driving them and how dare I think I get any say in this.

That I need to do what the kids want and stay out of their way otherwise.. AITA?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

LouisV25 −  NTA. You defend your husband but he’s part of the problem.

1) Your husband should have never told his ex/kids that you thought negatively of the class, especially without the context that it’s too difficult for them to get there.
2) Your husband clearly didn’t hear you when you said you wouldn’t take them.

3) You don’t have to be part of hubby/ex’s conversation but then hubby/ex cannot make you part of the plan.
4) Tell hubby that your conversations with him need to be confidential.

5) Tell hubby/ex/girls that the girls cannot disrespect you and then think they can have their hand out for anything other than the meals you cook at home.

JustAMuggle94 −  NTA – You’re not part of the plan, so your help is unnecessary. You have your own children to worry about. Mom wants to continue to advocate for hate, then literally just do what duties need to be done when they are physically in your home.

Feed them and make sure they have water and electricity. That’s it. Dad also needs to buck the f**k up and remind his ex that if she wants her kids to hate you, you’re not doing the extra. He can fight with her about the kids but not about respecting you? Almost sounds like you don’t need him either 🤷🏼‍♀️

Useful_Context_2602 −  NTA. Blended families are hard work and it’s a two way street. Those girls don’t respect you but want your help. That would be a big no from me.

C_Majuscula −  NTA. They (husband and his ex) don’t involve you directly in the decision-making, so they can’t make demands or assumptions after the fact. Fifty minutes one way to a class is WAY too long and you are right to say no.

One-Childhood432 −  You cannot be at 2 places at one time. You have to take your 6 year old. You don’t have a stepdaughter problem, you have a husband problem. That woman did not out of the blue for no reason start disliking you. He has told her something you said maybe about her in privacy.

He had no reason to tell them about your feelings on the dance classes except to score brownie points with them and show he was going against you. You need to keep an eye out for that in the future. Explain that to them directly yourself, via group text. No more trusting him to speak honestly about it.

Tell her you were against it because you knew this would happen and you can’t help facilitate and Hubby knew this before he agreed. You have a prior commitment to the 6 year old. Clearly, they think you are just being reasonable.

New-Tomato-4476 −  NTA. You were not part of the decision and its not your job to handle their activities. Your husband and his ex should figure it out. Its fair to set boundaries, especially with the disrespect.

East_Parking8340 −  Absolutely NTA. The ex is vindictive and looks to get petty victories over you, regardless of the cost on her children. Frankly, they agreed to the classes (against your urging and warning) so they have the duty to work out the logistics.

In the same way you aren’t their mother or even a maternal figure (due to the ex) you do not have the responsibility to do what a mother would do. It doesn’t seem unlikely that the class and its location were deliberately chosen to either make you the bad guy or to cause the most disruption to your schedule and life (I’d be interested if you did a quick search to see if there were any local studios that could fit the bill).

Your husband need to find the resolution and not expect you to do everything for him.

blueflash775 −  NTA. But your husband is. This is just a power play on behalf of the ex. You need to do what the kids want? Er, no. Did this start when her 3rd marriage failed by any chance? Why was this not discussed with you before he agreed? It’s time and money that impacts your family.

Why is he telling the ex that you can’t take them and you didn’t want them to go. It’s NONE of her business and she’s just used it to weaponise against you. Those conversations MUST NOT be discussed with her.

Maybe it’s fine that you don’t join them for talks about the girls, but he needs to not make any decisions about the time they are at your house without consulting you first.
“Sucks to be me because I don’t have a say because I’m not their parent”. He ‘told them’ not to speak to you that way? That’s it?

How about some consequences? Like – girls due to your behaviour you don’t get to go to the classes at all. You said they ‘don’t get away with disrespect’. They do actually, I think you’ve become a frog in the hot water and haven’t noticed how bad it is. You need to withdraw to care and feeding only.

It then makes any ‘decisions’ about what happens easy – if it involves you it doesn’t happen. You can’t ‘get in the way’ that way. And if their disrespect continues/escalates there needs to be a conversation about them not coming to your home.

It’s not good for you or your children to be exposed to this, and you certainly don’t want your kids to think the behaviour is ok. It’s just b**lying and it should not be tolerated in your home.. Husband needs a wake up call.

PumpkinPowerful3292 −  NTA – So let’s see if I have this right. The children, the ex, and your spineless husband all agree this would so great if you could not only pay for transportation and be their [chauffeur](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/chauffeur) and you according to them, have no say in the matter.

You have say in the matter, oh yes you do. You are not their slave. Tell them all this what happens to people who treat others like dirt. Life is full of actions and consequences and they are just suffering from the consequences own self-inflicted wounds. Enjoy, you wonderful, wonderful people. Then go out to afternoon teas with your besties.

No-Sea1173 −  OMG NTA. Of course NTA. You don’t get a say in their extracurriculars – that’s fine. You DO get a say in what you do with your time. And you absolutely get a say in what extracurriculars your children do, and when / why they miss extracurriculars.

Your husband and ex agreed to these classes, they and they alone are responsible for getting the girls there. Including paying someone else to do it if they have to.
No, don’t drive them, don’t back down. It’s not even about how these girls treat you or see you. And yes this may cause some flack – and in sorry if you bear the brunt of it.

But the truth is that you would be signing up to longer term mistreatment, and having to chauffeur them around to other events if you bend on this. Your response to the girls could be – your parents worked out the classes, they knew I couldn’t take you and I’m not sure what they’ve come up with but I’m sure they’ll make sure you get there.

Should the stepmother hold her ground or compromise for the girls? Share your thoughts in the comments!