AITA for needing more time to sort out how I feel about the babysitter erasing a love note from my late husband?

A grieving widow (43F) hired a babysitter to help with her three young children after her husband’s passing three years ago. Her late husband (who would be 44M) used to leave sweet love notes in dry erase marker, including one that read “forever my girl.”

The widow had taped over the notes to preserve them, but the babysitter recently removed the tape and wiped them away, thinking they were just doodles from the children. Although she’s hurt and considering asking the babysitter not to return, she also wonders if it’s a sign that it might be time to let go of the notes.

Now, she struggles with whether her feelings are justified and has asked the babysitter for space, though the sitter keeps requesting to come back. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for needing more time to sort out how I feel about the babysitter erasing a love note from my late husband?’

My late husband (would be 44M) and I (43F) used to leave each other notes in dry erase marker on the mirror and and on the counter by the coffee maker. When he passed away (3 years ago) I put tape over his notes to preserve them. Seemingly forever. Having three young children I hired a babysitter to help out.

She’s been with us for a year and one of the first things I pointed out was the notes. The other day she removed the tape and wiped away the notes, stating she wasn’t thinking and was just trying to help clean up what she thought was something the kids did. It said “forever my girl.”

Being rather upset, but also open to the idea that it has been three years, maybe it’s time to to remove the notes, I told her I needed space to figure things out. I’m leaning towards asking her not to come back because I can’t get over it. It seems intentional on some level but that may just be my hurt talking.

Even if it’s a lapse in judgement, I wanted to be the one to take it off when ready. It’s been two days and I’m still not ready to have her back yet she keeps asking if she can work. AITA for wanting to say no or for wanting to say I can’t move past this? Thanks, y’all.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Fleurtheleast −  It seems intentional on some level but that may just be my hurt talking. She’s worked for you for a whole year, the notes were shown to her and explained from the get go, but one day she just ‘forgot’ and thought one of the children wrote ‘my forever girl’ to you? Not buying it.

She’s probably one of those people who think grief has an appropriate timeline and an expiration date, and that people need to be forcefully ‘helped’ along. This was not her place in any form or fashion. It’s pretty outrageous.

Even if it HAD been an accident, you’re still deeply upset, and you’re allowed to no longer want to employ someone who has caused you grief. NTA. Take care of yourself. I’m sorry this happened to you.

ETA: As has been pointed out by other commenters, she would have had to scrape at carefully-placed three-year-old tape and wipe at even older ink…TWICE…two different locations…to remove LOVE notes…and on *both* occasions she forgot “I was explicitly told not to touch this”? I’m not buying the ‘autopilot, thought it was the kids’ excuses at all.

iwantaponytoo −  She’s been with you a year, she was told about the notes- and for her own reasons she knowingly removed the tape to wipe off these messages. She knew it wasn’t the kids- the messages have been there for a year, ffs.

Whether it’s “too long” to have them or not is noone’s business but your own- as was the decision to remove them or not. HUGE i**asion of privacy imo. I wouldn’t have her back. NTA

OtherwiseJello194 −  No, I don’t think you’re the a$$***e. I lost my boyfriend is 2019. He was 36 then. I was 35. A year later a “friend” threw the peace lily from his funeral in the garbage. Needless to say, I never spoke to that person again because I knew it was intentional. Find a new babysitter but if you can’t, at least make this one sweat a bit

Yellow_Lady126 −  There was no way it was an accident if she had to remove the tape first. It just wasn’t. I’d find a new babysitter.

Lost_Woodpecker1 −  NTA – It makes no sense for her to remove that after you explained what they were and asked her not to touch them. That’s a big breach of trust.
Your grief sounds like it’s difficult and I’m sorry you’re struggling with it.

I don’t think you’d be the a**hole for not letting her return to work for you. It should have been something you got rid of in your own time.. Wish you the best

Current_Read_7808 −  I can be absent-minded, and might wipe something down before thinking about it… but the physical barrier of tape (and the action of peeling it off) would definitely jolt me back to remembering.

Round_Warthog1990 −  **She’s been with us for a year** and one of the first things I pointed out was the notes. The other day she removed the tape and wiped away the notes, stating she wasn’t thinking and was just trying to help clean up what she thought was something the kids did. If you hadn’t put tape over the messages… maybe

If she had just started working for you… maybe . If you hadn’t made it a point to show her the messages and explain how the tape was there to make sure the note didn’t get erased… maybe

But I find it extremely hard to believe that after working with you for a year she just *removed* the tape and wiped away the message *accidentally*. Have you ever had to remove tape from a surface it’s been stuck to for an extended period? It’s not easy and takes time.

kurokomainu −  NTA I suspect that she thought it was time for you to “move on” or whatever and interfered knowingly. If that’s not the case, I don’t understand why she would remove protective tape to erase writing she knew nothing about, especially if they were affectionate messages.

Even doing it in ignorance is over-stepping, as even if she had truly forgotten about their source and meaning the unusual state of them being taped over alone should have been enough of a clue for her to back off. She *chose* to go the extra mile to erase them. Why?

Beautiful_Metal_9136 −  You don’t accidentally remove tape and spray cleaner and wipe something off, meanwhile you stopped to READ IT. It was 100% intentional. There was no way this could have accidentally happened. Who removes tape to clean off writing?

Clearly it’s meant to be there especially after a year she wouldn’t even notice it if it didn’t bother her and if she didn’t intend to erase it. NTA. Fire her. She has no respect for yours or the kids grief.

They probably loved seeing the writing also and they may have even wanted to get a gift for you or a tattoo with it in the future or maybe you would’ve liked to do that. What an awful human that babysitter is

dryadduinath −  NTA. She had no reason to do that. Even if we take her at face value, it doesn’t make sense. Who would remove tape to erase writing in someone elses home?

How did she not, at any point in that process, remember what you told her, and why would she do it in the first place? It’s not just thoughtless, but downright strange. …so strange that I wouldn’t believe her. 

Is the widow justified in feeling this way, or should she offer the babysitter grace for a thoughtless mistake? Is it understandable that some moments of grief cannot be rushed? What do you think—should she let the babysitter go or try to move past this? Share your thoughts in the comments!