AITAH for not wanting to change my clothes for a 4th time (thus ruining our date night)?
A Reddit user shares a distressing incident from her birthday celebration that escalated into a fight with her husband. After recovering from long Covid and feeling confident in her new outfit, she faced an unexpected backlash when her husband accused her of dressing “slutty” and seeking attention from other men.
As tensions rose and a date night turned sour, she questioned whether she was in the wrong for wanting to wear what made her feel beautiful. Read the original story below to see how this couple navigates the complexities of body image and communication.
‘ AITAH for not wanting to change my clothes for a 4th time (thus ruining our date night)?’
So, my husband (37M – let’s call him Mark) and I (34F) have been having a rough few years. We got married in the fall of 2019 after being together for 5 years before then, and of course a few months after that the pandemic hit.
I had the misfortune of getting a pretty bad case of Covid near the beginning of the pandemic (was hospitalized for two weeks) which turned into long Covid. I wasn’t completely disabled but dealt with a lot of the typical symptoms – extreme fatigue, brain fog, reduced immune system generally resulting in several bad infections, etc.
I didn’t lose my job but did have to take intermittent FMLA which meant a lot of time without pay, and we racked up $20K in debt between the medical bills not covered by insurance and loss of some of my income. Although I tried to be mindful of my eating, I also gained 45 pounds thanks to being on antidepressants, several rounds of steroid medication, and not being able to exercise.
Through all this, Mark was incredibly loving and supportive – he never said a bad word about my weight, lack of energy, or inability to contribute financially at the same level as before. Finally, last summer I started to feel a lot better, and most of the long Covid symptoms subsided. I was able to return to work full-time, and had energy to work out again.
In the past year, we have paid off all our debt and rebuilt our emergency fund, and I have lost 35 of the 45 pounds I gained (my doctor says this is a good place for me to end up, I was borderline underweight before and am now on the slimmer side of a normal/healthy weight).
Mark and I hadn’t been having many date nights since we got married between the pandemic, my illness, and then for the past year working to get our finances in order. However, to celebrate my birthday, we decided to have dinner at an upscale bistro and then go see the Barbie movie (he actually suggested the movie).
This was last Saturday – my actual birthday wasn’t for a few more days but we wanted to go on the weekend. I was excited to dress up as – most of my clothes had gotten baggy and drab during my illness and weight gain but I was finally feeling comfortable in my own skin again.
I decided to go full Barbiecore – pink sleeveless dress (fitted at the top and then flared out) and pink kitten heels with a matching bag. (The money for the outfit came from a birthday check from my mom – she insisted that I spend it on “something fun.”)
When I put on the outfit, I felt really pretty for the first time in a long time…unfortunately and surprisingly, Mark reacted badly to it. He said I looked “slutty” and “attention-seeking” and essentially accused me of trying to get the attention of other men and that I should cover up more.
I protested because…first of all…we were going to a restaurant (table for 2) and a movie theater…when exactly was I going to be interacting socially with other men?! Also, the outfit was quite dramatic and striking but it wasn’t revealing…sleeveless dresses are pretty normal date night wear for a hot summer day, and it wasn’t low-cut (neckline was at the collarbone), and was on the longer side (calf-length).
But I didn’t want to argue so I put on a black knit cardigan over the dress. Nope, still no dice for Mark, he said it was still attention-seeking. At this point, I really wanted to get going and not miss our reservation, so I gave up on the dress and changed into fitted jeans and a pastel pink tunic top (not fitted).
Nope, said Mark, I still looked like I was trying to attract other men. So I threw on a hoodie over the top but then he said I looked sloppy. I was really exasperated by this point and asked if he just wanted to come to my closet to pick an outfit that was acceptable, and he started yelling that I was too stupid to even understand that I was disrespecting him and that I didn’t know how to dress myself.
Then he said he was going for a drive and going to the movie without me (the tickets were on his phone). He came home after midnight, said he didn’t want to talk and that he was going to sleep in the guest room. He has barely spoken to me since. My actual birthday was a couple days ago and he didn’t even acknowledge it.
I begged him to please talk to me and tell me what was really going on but he said he was still too angry. So, AITAH for not trying to change my clothes yet again before our date for my birthday? I still don’t know what he was really upset about or what sort of outfit would have been acceptable.
And no, he’s never once tried to make rules about what I could wear or commented at all on my clothes except to tell me that I looked nice or that he liked certain colors on me. This really came out of nowhere as far as I can tell. And again he selected the Barbie movie and planned the date so it’s not like I was strong-arming him into plans he didn’t want.
These are the responses from Reddit users:
Ifeellost22 − Something deeper is going on. Time to have a serious discussion about where you guys are in this relationship. No matter how much my wife were fighting… it would be a truce on a birthday.
EggandSpoon42 − Is he cheating on you? Sounds like he was trying to get out the door by himself
facinationstreet − *I didn’t want to argue so I put on a black knit cardigan over the dress. Nope, still no dice for Mark, he said it was still attention-seeking.* At this point *I* would have left without *him*. NTA but this is NOT about your outfit. Time to sit down and get what is going on out of him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s either having an affair or jealous of you.
Mooman-Chew − If my wife asks me ‘does this look ok?’, it’s have to be awful for me to say no. I can’t imagine telling her she looked slutty! She would figure out I thought that because I’d be grinning and making stupid, suggestive jokes! I’d tell him you will wear what you like and if he doesn’t like it, that’s a him problem
Anxious_Bun − He created a situation where it would be impossible for you to have left the house with him, stormed out to go see the Barbie movie ‘alone’, and didn’t come home until after midnight and slept in the guest room. He’s cheating and seeing you looking fire that evening probably triggered some realizations that he can’t continue to have his cake and eat it too.
[Reddit User] − You should consider a new husband. This one sounds l**e. This isn’t about your clothes at all. If it was he would have just picked an outfit for you. He just didn’t actually want to go with you and picked an easy reason to hide behind.
Why? Who knows. Could be cheating and maybe the whole time he wanted to go to the Barbie movie with another girl. Could be having a midlife crisis. Could be any number of things. But your clothes is probably not one of them. Your relationship needs real evaluation and counseling though.
FatSadHappy − NTA. I would try to figure out why your husband turned into a**sive control freak out of sudden. His behavior is not normal by any stretch of imagination and if he was not doing it before- something changed. Say, he cheated and projecting his actions on you.
Not talking for 2 days is also way out of proportion reaction for a fight, especially the one he created out of thin air. He should apologize and seek counseling or you should look for way out. No way this “ slutty” comment should be heard again.
cazzobomba − NTA. It sounds like your real birthday was actually a couple of days after the blow up. So he went no contact with you for six days which means he never wished you happy birthday. Hmmm? If this had been me and I would have a size 7 Adidas shoe firmly embedded up my b**t. Just saying… Go out with friends and celebrate a belated birthday.
[Reddit User] − NTA- It sounds like he really enjoyed the level of dependency you’ve developed and the isolation it inevitably brought. Has he ever had issues with you going out with friends? He sounds super insecure. Do you have an active social life?
Dry-Clock-1470 − Is there coming back from “too stupid”?. NTA
Do you think the user was wrong for wanting to wear the outfit that made her feel confident, or did her husband have valid concerns about her clothing choices? How would you handle a situation where personal expression conflicts with a partner’s feelings? Share your thoughts below!
