AITA for assuming I was invited to my cousin’s wedding, and “making a scene” when I found out I wasn’t?

An 18-year-old assumed she was invited to her cousin Mary’s wedding since her parents received a family invitation. However, at the event, Mary confronted her, saying she wasn’t invited and revealed the hurtful reason: Mary didn’t want her husband’s conservative family to know her cousin is a lesbian, fearing it would tarnish their view of her “normal family.”

Shocked and hurt, the girl called Mary out, and the argument escalated, drawing attention from guests. The fallout resulted in texts from Mary and her parents accusing her of ruining the wedding, though the girl questions if she should have stayed silent. Read the original story below…

‘ AITA for assuming I was invited to my cousin’s wedding, and “making a scene” when I found out I wasn’t?’

My (18f) cousin’s (22f) wedding was this weekend. I’ll call her Mary. Growing up, we were pretty close, as me and my siblings (20f and 23m) often went to Mary’s house. Lately, we haven’t seen each other much, because all of them moved away for college, but it’s still nice to see each other at family events.

A year and a half ago, she met her now husband. He was invited to Christmas, Easter, and every family event since then. When he was there, I noticed that Mary was a lot more distant than usually and barely talked to me but talked with my siblings all night. I figured it was probably just because of our age difference.

A few weeks/months ago, we got an invitation to their wedding in the mail. Or at least my parents did. My name wasn’t mentioned on the invitation, which was addressed to “The *ourlastname*s”, but since I still live with my parents, and my brother and sister both got one, I assumed I was included, and so did my parents.

But Mary’s face dropped when she saw me. She pretended to smile but I could see something was bothering her. The wedding went on, but during the cocktail Mary came up to me and asked me why I came, since she didn’t send me an invitation.

I was taken aback a bit, but told her that we assumed I was included, and asked her why she didn’t invite me. She avoided the question, but after insisting a bit she told me that she wanted her husband’s family to have a good impression of her family, and didn’t want them to know that her cousin was a lesbian, because she wanted to have a “normal family”.
For context, our family is pretty open minded, and all of them accept me, but her husband and his family are a lot more traditional and conservative. What I don’t understand is, I don’t “look gay” (whatever that means), and they would’ve never known unless someone told them.

I was so shocked. I told her that she was sick for caring about impressing a bunch of bigots more than her own cousin. She got mad at me and we both got a bit loud, which attracted attention. People came to find out what was happening.

When they found out, my parents said that she was being mean and shouldn’t have made a big deal about this. A bunch of other people said that it was wrong of me to come when I wasn’t invited. Mary started telling me to leave, so I stormed off.

Since, I have been receiving texts from her and her parents saying that I was a b**ch for coming, making a scene, and ruining her big day. I understand that it’s her wedding and she can invite whoever she wants, but her words were so hurtful… And I genuinely thought I was invited. But I know it’s wrong that I caused such a scene on her wedding day. Maybe I should’ve just left and not said anything? AITA?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Equivalent-Moose2886 −  I’m going with NTA, if it was genuinely an innocent mistake about the invite. I mean, you live at home, your parents and siblings were invited, you’ve never been previously excluded, there was no reason to think that you weren’t included even though not specifically mentioned, as you said your siblings don’t live at home so they got separate invites.

Out of interest would your parents and siblings etc still have gone to the wedding if they knew that you had been excluded for being a lesbian?Even about the scene: you did not cause a scene, she was the one that made a scene. She could’ve just looked passed your attendance, since you weren’t harming anyone. But instead she insulted you, and you defended yourself.. Edited spelling

Parttime-Princess −  NTA. A card to “the *lastnames*” would normally include everyone in that fanily living there. No reason to ask either. I would also have assumed I was invited. Your cousin is an AH. Bigots are automatically AH’s. There’s no “looking gay”, that’s crap.

Hell I “look gay” but am straight, and plenty of lesbians aren’t the “butch gay” type bigots envision. I’m sorry to say your cousin is a bigot. She cares more about the bigoted IL’s then her own cousin. You were hurt and logically so. You reacted in a way that could be expected from someone who has been hurt.. Sending you hugs!

3bag −  NTA. If your parents and siblings were all invited, it would be logical to believe you were invited too. Especially as nobody had discussed it with your family.
Did your grandparents know that you weren’t invited? At least your family can cut them all off knowing what awful people they are.

remus_h −  why didn’t she just address it as Mr & Mrs LastName to avoid confusion? your cousin is a d**bass and a bigot

New_Combination2430 −  Did your parents remain at the wedding once it became clear you were not welcome? Not sure I’d be very impressed with them.if they did…

FauveSxMcW −  NTA she ruined things for herself by putting you on the spot and then escalating things and by being a huge bigot. She should have kept her pie hole shut and been a gracious hostess. You did nothing wrong – based on the invitation, you were right to assume you were welcome.

Ashamed-Director-428 −  100% I’m posting somewhere that I know her and her biggot new family will see: “I’d like to apologise for mistakenly coming to my cousins wedding last week, we foolishly thought that the invite addressed to ‘The Jones family’ included the entire Jones family and not the entire Jones family minus the only gay in the village.

I’m sorry for the scene that my cousin caused when she saw me, the only gay in the village, and then forced me to leave because i am gay. I had no idea my cousin was h**ophobic, and had I known, I would never have put my self in such a heart breaking position. Once again, I apologise if anyone was offended by my existence”
But then, I’m petty as f**k, so… 🤷🏼‍♀️

Prof-Dr-Overdrive −  NTA, I think your cousin deliberately was wishy-washy in the letter, because she did not want your parents to know that you weren’t invited, but she also wanted to butter up her new bigoted family. And when you came, she tried to blame it all on you and provoke you in order to make you look like you were in the wrong.

I don’t know why she married into a bunch of bigots, because one day she will get the short end of the stick if she hasn’t already. She is a m**on because there is no way in hell that that family will ever stand up for her.

I would cut ties with her completely and not help her when she eventually pops up whining again a year from now because her bigoted husband refuses to treat her like a human being and her new parents-in-law mistreat her. She has burned this bridge and embraced homophobia.

She also humiliated you. She did not even have the balls to write out the wedding invitation normally — nobody writes “the lastnames” and nothing else.

YarnPenguin −  NTA Based on your edits, you were invited. You received an invitation, with your name on it, to where you lived. You were, on paper, *the same amount of invited as your parents*, intentionally or accidentally.

Being blindsided by homophobia like that, at an event you were, on paper, invited to- I don’t think you acted unreasonably. You can’t control where or how you discover new information.

It sounds like she caused the scene tbh rather than just saying “hi, thanks for coming, I wasn’t expecting you to make it” she chose to confront you about being there and it escalated. Sorry your cousin has become weird about who you are attracted to.

DutchTinCan −  NTA. Wedding etiquette is that if the invite says “Johnson Family”, _all_ members of the household are invited. If there’s exclusions, the invite should read “John and Jane Johnson”. The fact that she didn’t do that was mistake 1.

Then, she could’ve just let go for the day. Instead, she decided to ask you why you came, despite you technically having been invited.During that, she dragged in your sexuality, implying you were embarrassing her. Sure, you could’ve held your head high saying “well, I’m terribly sorry for insulting you.

Enjoy the rest of your wedding while I see myself out”. That would’ve been most gracious, but more gracious than she deserved after the run-up. So yes, this is on your h**ophobic cousin.

Was the cousin justified in calling out Mary for prioritizing appearances over family, or should she have quietly left the wedding to avoid drama? What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments!