AITA for hurting my friend’s feelings at her engagement party?

A Reddit user recounts her experience at a friend’s engagement party, where her newfound responsibilities as a guardian for her young nephews clashed with her friend’s expectations for a carefree adult gathering. Despite trying to balance her commitments, tensions escalated, leading to hurt feelings and an uninvitation from the wedding. Read the original story below to see how this emotional situation unfolds.

‘ AITA for hurting my friend’s feelings at her engagement party?’

I never wanted kids. My husband too. But life happened and now we care for my two little nephews. 5 year old twins. It was an easy decision for the both of us. I’m not saying I regret anything but it’s not easy. Especially with little kids that are traumatized. Many of our friends (many who are child free) have been great.

They’re especially understanding to the fact that though we didn’t give birth to them, we are now parents and the kids are our first priority. They also understand that we can’t hire babysitters or ask anyone else to watch the kids due to several reasons.

We had to skip one wedding, and another couple allowed us to bring the boys to their originally child free wedding. Both couples were happy and there are no hard feelings between us. Now, another friend is getting married and she knows what’s up as well.

When we declined her invitation to her engagement party that would just be adults due to alcohol and other kinds of adult activities, she called me and begged me at to come. I said I’d try my best. My husband and I decided that he would watch the kids on his own while I went.

While I was getting ready, the boys were watching me and they started to cry because they realized I was going out. This caused me to be late. I apologized to her and while she said it was okay, I could tell she was slightly hurt. Regardless, I tried to have a good time with her and other friends. I didn’t drink any alcohol but she kept trying to make me.

Then my husband texted me a couple hours in saying that one nephew is refusing to eat and the other is screaming. I stepped outside for ten minutes to call them and when the boys calmed down enough, I went back in. At this point, my friend looked angry. I had apparently missed a speech.

She said I ruined the entire night by stressing her out with my attitude. She even accused me of thinking that I was better than her because I’m a parent now and she isn’t. I told her that isn’t true and I didn’t mean to ruin her night but I’m sorry.

She told me to f**k off and said something like “it’s a few hours, those kids don’t have to be on your mind all the time” and I was just going to leave but I felt so insulted. I told her that she can’t put her night being ruined on me and I’m sorry she had a terrible night because I didn’t drink and because I refused to forget about my kids for a couple hours but her feeling hurt is not my responsibility and she can figure it out herself.

She started crying and our friends (kindly) told me to just leave. While they all understand my position, they think I should apologize because it’s her party/wedding. And I did hurt her after all. I haven’t been thinking about this much but I have some free time and I just got a text from said friend telling me that I’m uninvited from her actual wedding. AITA?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

jcincos −  NTA. You say your friends understand, even her, but they clearly don’t, especially her. Someone being late to a party is not a reason for the host to be upset. Someone not drinking at a party is not a reason for the host to be upset. Someone stepping out for a few minutes is not a reason for the host to be upset.

Every friend that thinks you ruined her party and hurt her doesn’t get it. They are the assholes. You owe none of them an apology. But you need to ask yourself if they still deserve a space in your life. That type of negativity is never needed, ESPECIALLY in your situation.

face-in-a-crowd −  Unless you are not telling the whole story… NTA Did you make a scene, did you loudly announce to the whole room that you had to call the kids? I assume not. You were late but you apologized for that. All in all no behaviour that “ruins the whole night”. And honestly … why is she so focused on you when it is her engagement party? Maybe let her cool down and talk again if you feel like it.

MrsActionParsnip −  NTA – I’m saying this as someone who is passionately and happily childfree but also a therapist. Those kids are your main priority now. You haven’t said how they ended up in your care but whether it was removal from parents, parents gave them up or parents died, they are going to have trauma from it.

They are going to have a fear of a**ndonment and in all likelihood an insecure attachment to you and your husband as their new primary caregivers. It can take years for kids in new family units to settle enough to be left with a babysitter or alternative family members.

Your friend is valid to feel whatever she felt, what she isn’t valid in is blaming you for ruining her night, accusing you of being better than her and trying to make you the bad person in the situation. Your friendship group will no longer be as high of priority now, and they need to adjust to that and support you or bow out of your life. She ruined her own night by creating unnecessary drama.

Riyokosan −  NTA. You decline an invitation, she begged you to come, and you did to make her happy. Yes you were late but you were there, which is what matters. Also 10 min to calm down a child is not much, let alone two. If your presence was mandatory for the speech, you should have been informed before leaving or they could have waited.

What if instead of a call you had to go to the bathroom, or anything the like? Also I hate people trying to force you to drink, parents or not, no matter the context, being i**oxicated should be a choice.

Rohini_rambles −  Bride sound like the type who thinks the guests need to put heir lives on hold for a whole year until the Grand Wedding happens! How dare you CARE about your kids while she, the only worthy and bestest bride to be, is partying OP! NTA of course. If your friends make you question this, drop them too. Your kids come first. Hope they’re in therapy to help them cope. You’re a good parent.

WaywardMarauder −  NTA. Your friend is incredibly s**fish and her night being “ruined” is on her and her e**itled attitude, not on you.

Duckie_plantmom −  NTA I don’t know why she was hurt that you turned up late. Fact is YOU TURNED UP! You could have not bothered to go at all and then what? You ruin her evening because you didn’t show up? She’s not e**itled to your time and I don’t see what you did to actually ‘hurt’ her. Why was she so hyper focused on you instead of just getting on with and enjoying her event?

You didn’t make a scene, as you went outside to take the call. Also why was she trying to make you drink? I guess once she has children she’ll see for herself what it’s like being a parent. It’s probably for the best she uninvited you, one less person you have to stress over in your life.

Intelligent-Panda-33 −  NTA at all. When we adopted our nephew (3 at the time) we thought he would be ok at daycare bc he was previously going. He screamed and cried for hours in a way that breaks your heart, so much so that we couldn’t leave, at least one of us needed to be with him. Your friend doesn’t understand this, and that’s ok; but it’s not ok for her to treat you like your current situation isn’t important. Time to find some new friends with kids.

stfrances2968 −  NTA. Good grief! This isn’t a friend. I don’t know what you should call her, but being uninvited to her wedding is a win in my book.

MommaLokiLovesYou −  NTA. I’m CF and my husband is too. Her response is childish. There’s no real reason you being a tiny bit late and not drinking should upset her this much. There’s something she’s not been telling anyone, I can’t imagine what, but something.

Also, I really hope your nephews are in therapy for whatever they’ve been through. I’m sure you and your husband are doing the best you can but them crying because you’re going out for a few hours without them is concerning.