AITA for refusing to babysit during BIL wedding ?
A Reddit user recounts the fallout from her brother-in-law’s wedding after a history of hurtful remarks made about her during a previous family gathering. Despite her refusal to babysit multiple children during the wedding—due to her recent c-section and lack of trust in the situation—her in-laws are upset and insist her decision makes them look bad. Read the original story below to see how this complicated family dynamic unfolds.
‘ AITA for refusing to babysit during BIL wedding’
Me(32f) husband (34m). 2 weeks before our 2018 wedding BIL got drunk during Hubbys stag do. BIL & 2 cousins shared group texts with everyone at party about me which were extremely offensive, resulting in an argument between husband & BIL. No one ever apologised, in-laws covered for those involved, said I overreacted, it was just “British humour” – these comments mocked my appearance, non-Brit accent, family, & health issues.
I basically ignored everyone from that point on, always polite but distant & made no attempts at friendship. At Christmas we announced our pregnancy/due date of August. At same time BIL/FSIL announced their wedding date & venue for October 2023. The location is 2 hours from our house. Few days later MIL asks if I had looked at venue online which I had.
The venue caters to kid free events. I said to MIL that it looks lovely but I was concerned about kid-free element & distance from our house since weddings are an ALL day thing. MIL says “oh they’re not having a kid free wedding.” We got invitation in the mail – it’s kid-free which is ok with us. With invitation was note which read: at request of MIL/FIL they have reserved a guest room at the venue for us night of wedding.
We politely replied to rsvp saying we wouldn’t be attending because we couldn’t leave our baby overnight as we have no one we feel comfortable leaving him with! He’ll only be 7 weeks, I have no family in the UK, Hubbys family will be at wedding & Hubby said he won’t go if baby & I aren’t going.
Next day MIL/FIL call upset we aren’t attending & say I could spend the day in the room during the wedding because: “it would look bad if hubbys not there.” Hubby told them that was ridiculous to expect me to spend the day in a hotel room with my infant. MY FIL argued that several cousins had small children & were still attending, but we stood firm.
1 week later, FIL announces that a cousins friend has agreed to watch all the families kids = 6 kids under 4y.o + our 7 week old in OUR home during wedding since it’s closest to venue. We politely decline and explain I just had a c-section 8 days ago, I’m also not leaving my 7 week old overnight with 1 stranger & group of 6 kids.
We thought that was the end of it. 3 days ago, get a message from one of the cousins asking to call about wedding, I showed it to Hubby & we forgot about it until yesterday. Cousins wife called wanting to know what items she should bring for her daughter… Turns out, FIL & BIL told family that we aren’t attending to keep all the cousins children.
I was MAD told her that was not true, I wasn’t running an overnight drop in service for a bunch of people who didn’t even like me. In-laws are saying my refusal is embarrassing & makes them & BIL look bad. BIL has called repeatedly, several of group text participants have left messages to “chat”. My husband & some family is on our side, but others feel like I’m being petty & holding a grudge to ruin BIL’s wedding. so AITA?
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
[Reddit User] − Nta. Be prepared they will leave their kids at your doorstep the day off. Don’t he home. Plan a trip with your baby and husband. Your husband is doing the only thing that he should do, and that’s not going to that wedding. Especially since his family keep disrespecting you, his wife.. The sheer audacity.
robinissocoollike − They just expect you to take care of six other kids when you have a new baby and have recently had surgery. They didn’t even ask. NTA
TRACYOLIVIA14 − Damn his family who doesn’t understand that you just gave birth needs a reality check. You are sleep deprived taking care of an infant . It sounds like it is your first child so everything is scary and new and you have to adjust and learn and figure out how to take care of the baby and yourself .You are still in recovery C -section actually takes longer to recover so you are still in pain . To expect from someone who had a surgery and her body needs to recover and is sleep deprived while taking care of a baby to watch 6 other kids is insane.
debdnow − NTA: The nerve of your in-laws! Props to your hubby for being on your side. Be prepared for the day of the wedding for folks to show up at your door with children in tow because you *couldn’t* have really meant you weren’t watching their children.
Timely_Zombie4153 − NTA. These people expect you and your husband to babysit god knows how many, under 4 year olds, when you have a 7 week old baby? What is wrong with them? On top of all the extra work just imagine having your newborn with an immature immune system exposed to all those young children! Its a recipe for disaster. Your in laws and BIL are s**fish AHs. May ask if their jokes and behavior have a r**ist element to it?
snarkness_monster − In-laws are saying my refusal is embarrassing & makes them & BIL look bad. Tell them they are “overreacting,” and they made themselves look bad by volunteering you without your consent. others feel like I’m being petty & holding a grudge to ruin BIL’s wedding. “Sorry you feel this way. This is just my non-British disposition. Also, my “health issues” prevent me from babysitting, and I dont speak “Brit,” so I’m not sure your kids would understand me.”. NTA
7937397 − NTA. You don’t owe them anything, and not attending a wedding because of a new baby is entirely reasonable. Before the rest of the drama I would have said it would be good for your husband to still go. Maybe leave early to drive back home to you. But after this behavior, maybe not.
pandora840 − NTA! A single message from your husband in the group chat. “We will not be looking after any children except our own, and we will not be attending the wedding. I cannot tell you all how ashamed I am of your behaviour towards my family. We are not your free babysitters and my wife is no longer to be the b**t of your jokes. Rest assured that should ANYONE attempt to drop their children at our home then we will call Social Services for child a**ndonment.
This is the last I will say on this matter and I will prioritise my wife and child over all of you….get to f**k!” Then leave the group chats. As a Brit I’m ashamed of them. I am so so sorry that they’ve used the s**tty ‘British humour’ as an excuse for awful behaviour and frankly b**lying. If you were local I’d stand guard at your door to make sure they did not disturb your peace.
Traveling-Techie − Arrange to be out of the house that day, because as sure as God made little green apples someone will show up with kids. NTA
luchr − at least one of those kids will definitely get your baby sick.
Do you think the user’s refusal to babysit is justified given her recent recovery and the family dynamics, or do you see it as an overreaction? How would you navigate such family pressures while prioritizing your own needs? Share your thoughts below!
