AITA For telling my wife to work more if she wants to help her sister financially

A man (37M) explains that his wife (38F) wants to offer financial support to her sister Jen (30F), who is pregnant with her third child and struggling after her partner left her. However, their household budget is already tight due to rising costs, daycare, and the children’s extracurricular activities.

While the husband suggests dipping into savings to hire a lawyer to secure child support for Jen, his wife wants to offer monthly financial help and babysit Jen’s older children. The husband pushes back, saying they can’t afford ongoing support unless his wife takes on more work.

This led to a heated argument, with the wife calling him heartless, though he believes Jen needs more sustainable help.

‘ AITA For telling my wife to work more if she wants to help her sister financially’

My wife (38f) and I (37M) have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids (10, 8, & 5). We both work full-time and have the kids in daycare during the summer until school starts up again. We both make decent money, but with the cost of literally everything going up more and more often, our budget is getting tighter.

We still live comfortably within our means, but we are saving much less and are being more conscious of our discretionary spending. Our youngest is starting kindergarten this fall, so that will help because we aren’t spending on daycare anymore.

But our oldest kids are now in more sport and extracurricular activities which pretty much offset any saving we would be doing on childcare. We aren’t anywhere near struggling, but we are definitely more aware of how we spend our money now.

My wife’s younger sister, Jen (30F), is 6 months pregnant with her 3rd child. Jen is not married and this is her 3rd different baby daddy. Only one of the first 2 fathers is involved, the other is a complete deadbeat who regularly skips child support payments.

Jen recently called my wife and told her that her current baby’s dad left her and she’s freaking out and asking for help. Whether that be money, a place to stay, anything. My wife’s parents are both passed away and they have no other siblings, just each other. So, obviously my wife wants to do whatever we can to help.

But, we don’t have the space to house them and don’t have a lot of extra money to give them either. My wife wants to give Jen a few hundred dollars every month and to start watching her 2 older kids so Jen can keep working. Personally, I think that idea is short-sighted because Jen won’t be able to work after the new baby comes.

My idea was to dip into savings and pay for a lawyer for Jen to do a better job of getting the child support she is owed. I would rather bite a bigger bullet once than d**th by a thousand cuts over months and months. But my wife says that won’t help put food on Jen’s table every week.

I laid out our budget and asked my wife where we can make cuts to support Jen, because I just don’t see it. I asked her what she would be willing to give up, or have our kids go without, to support Jen. She got mad at me and called me heartless for not wanting to help.

It turned into a fight and I ended up telling her that if she wants to support her sister like this, then she is going to need to work more or get a 2nd job because I’m not compromising our family budget long-term. All of our finances are shared, so it’s not like either of us has our “own” money to use however we want.

I also know that my wife and I are the only family Jen has and I agree that we should help. But adding hundreds or possibly more to our monthly budget isn’t going to work. Jen needs more help than we can provide and she needs to find resources that can do that for her. But my wife thinks I am being an uncaring AH about this.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

KronkLaSworda −  “I asked her what she would be willing to give up, or have our kids go without, to support Jen.” She dodged the question that needs to be asked and played a guilt trip on top of it. NTA Stay the course. Your SIL has made her own bed and can continue lying in it.

mizfit0416 −  NTA – Someone might want to explain to Jen what keeps causing these pregnancies…

TemptingPenguin369 −  NTA. This is one of those cases where just giving her some monthly help will never solve the problem. I prefer your suggestion of paying for a lawyer so Jen can can what is legally owed to her, but Jen is clearly too s**fish to change her own behavior. How does your wife propose she can watch Jen’s current children?

shiny_new_spine −  I laid out our budget and asked my wife where we can make cuts to support Jen, because I just don’t see it. I asked her what she would be willing to give up, or have our kids go without, to support Jen. She got mad at me and called me heartless for not wanting to help. She didn’t answer the question?

She understands the situation. I’d ask her where the extra money is supposed to come from. Jen makes bad decisions, and it’s unfortunate, but she needs to get that child support for the kids. I think your offer is very sound and forward thinking. Stay strong with what you have laid out.. NTA

Smarterthntheavgbear −  If Jen applies for benefits (beyond WIC) in the US, she will have to identify the fathers of these children. The state will help her get child support and the children will get insurance. She can get substantial food stamps and once she gets the ball rolling there are options for help with child care and continuing education.

The goal with these programs is to better the mother’s quality of life, therefore the children benefit. My husband and I helped a young woman (kind of a friend of a friend situation) about 2 years ago; her baby daddy was in jail but the rest mostly applies. She got emergency food stamps, delivered her baby then started cleaning houses..

because she could work around the older 2 kids’ schedules. She now has a business with 4 employees and doesn’t need help from anyone. Partner and I are “honorary” Pop and Mimi and she regularly thanks us for helping her become independent. That should be Jen’s goal and your wife should encourage her.

You’re NTA and any help should be qualified with the understanding that it’s short term and contingent on improving her situation.. ETA: Thank you for the awards, kind Redditors. I don’t deserve any recognition, Tess deserves all of it! I couldn’t be more proud if she was my own child!

cachalker −  NTA. The cold, hard truth is that you don’t have the financial bandwidth to send several hundred dollars a month to her sister without either going into debt, penalizing your children by taking things away from them or compromising your future. This does not make you uncaring.

What it makes you is a man who prioritizes his immediate family first. It’s not about not wanting to help. It’s about understanding the limitations of your own financial situation. If she wants to help her sister, she’s going to need to increase that bandwidth. There’s a cost associated with being her sister’s savior.

She’s just refusing to acknowledge that right now. Unfortunately, you’re going to need to keep a close eye on your finances. Your wife may well try to do and end run around you in order to help.

Girlzenberry −  NTA. You’re not ignoring the situation; you provided an alternative (lawyer) and actually sat down with the finances to figure out options *with* your wife, but she said no. Another option would be for her to get more gov’t assistance.

SpaceJesusIsHere −  NTA. OP is trying to find long term solutions and discuss long term practicalities. It’s a virtual certainty that over the next decade, the prices of basic necessities will continue going up faster than salaries.

If OP’s wife can’t point to any possible budget cuts today, what are the chances that supporting the sister and 3 kids will ever get any easier for OP’s family? Plus, once the support starts, cutting her off will be virtually impossible.

OP, for yoir kids’ sake, this would be the hill I die on. If your wife wants to send money, especially *monthly*, then she needs to do 2 things. First, tell you where the budget cuts are coming from? Is Timmy done with soccer? Is the family no longer eating meat? Will you stop saving for retirement?

Second, your wife needs to acknowledge that if the budget gets tighter in the future, it’s up to her to make and take blame for future cuts with the kids. But above all, do not let your wife put you into credit card debt for this. It will f**k up your kids’ lives. Tell her it’s either help with a lawyer, or she has to resolve the budget.

capmanor1755 −  NTA.
1) Family counseling asap. Your SIL and your wife are both in panic mode and aren’t thinking clearly. You probably can’t counsel them through this but you don’t have to go underwater with them. Insist on you and your wife seeing a therapist together to help sort through boundaries.

2) Insist on paying for a lawyer, at least to get the paternity established for baby 3. SIL better be getting every bit of the child support she can from all three dads.
3) Help her navigate all the assistance she can find. As a single mom of three she might be eligible for low income health care and possibly for WIC.

vapapor −  NTA Jen should’ve been trying to find those resources on her own. She needs to get Food stamps and cash aid for her kids if she’s barely making it.

Navigating family obligations and financial responsibilities can be tough, especially when emotions run high. Do you think the husband is being practical by setting limits, or is his wife right in wanting to prioritize her sister’s immediate needs? What would be the right balance between compassion and practicality? Share your thoughts in the comments!