AITA for not being an active grandparent?
OP (M47) has a son, Jake (M26), who now has a 5-year-old son, Mike. OP never wanted to be a parent, but he did his best for Jake, including having him live with him from age 13 due to issues with Jake’s mother. Now that Jake is an adult, OP has taken a step back from parenting and grandparenting.
Jake resents that OP isn’t involved in Mike’s activities or babysitting, especially when OP declined to attend a baseball game due to a scuba class. OP maintains that he’s done enough parenting for 20 years and is now focusing on living his own life.
‘ AITA for not being an active grandparent?’
I (M47) have a son Jake (M26) who has his own son Mike (M5). Jake’s mother and I only had a short-term relationship and it was an accidental pregnancy. To be blunt, I never wanted to be a parent, particularly not at 21. However, Jake’s mother did and it wasn’t my decision. Although we have always kept the peace, things have always been icy between us due to that.
However, I always tried to do right by Jake. I would have him every other weekend and for a month during the summer, would do my best to deliver on anything he asked of me, treated him kindly and tried to be a good father. Then at a certain point, his mother married a guy Jake hated and I had him move in with me once he was 13. I won’t lie, I wasn’t cut out to be a parent.
I love Jake, but I just hated parenting. I did it anyway since he was my son. We have a very good relationship, and I’ve never shirked any responsibility to him.Jake also became a father at 21. However, he was all for it and is happily married to Mike’s mother. I also got him into my electrician’s union and had him set up on some good jobs. So, he was on much, much better footing than I was for a child.
Back then, we had a long talk and I told him “Jake, being a parent is a very, very different life. It is hard, exhausting and on a day-to-day basis, you don’t really get to do what you want to do very much. It will be a very long time before you don’t have that kind of responsibility anymore.” Then the conversation turned to how I’d help him.
I told him no. I am retired from parenting. I am turning back to my own life. He has his own home, union job, is engaged, and adult enough to decide to have a baby. He’s the adult now. He’s the parent. I’ll be around and if there are any emergencies, obviously I’ll do what I can. But I won’t be an “active” grandparent. I’ve largely held to it.
I have been doing a lot of travel, I have a GF, hobbies and to be blunt, I’m doing all the things I didn’t get to do in my 20s. Do I see Jake and his family? Yes. However, I rarely agree to babysit. Jake resents that I don’t go to Mike’s games (they tend to conflict with my weightlifting club) and that I’m pretty hands off with Mike.
Things came to a head last week when Mike had a baseball tournament and I refused to go because I had plans to take a scuba class with my GF (which admittedly could be rescheduled). I didn’t tell Jake this, but I spent so many Saturdays bored out of my skull watching little league when Jake was little. I always cheered loudly, was crazy supportive and never let on that it was like watching paint dry. But this is no longer my responsibility.
So I told him “Jake, I spent 20 years parenting. That’s enough.” He then yelled at me that I am always jetting around, playing like a teenager and not putting him first. I told him that no, I wasn’t. I did that for 20 years to get him on his feet as an adult. I’ve done that and can go back to prioritizing my own life.
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
Huge_Researcher7679 − You might not be TA, but you’re ruining your relationship with your son by essentially telling “I don’t care about being actively involved in your life, I’ve already done the bare minimum expected of me and I won’t do more”.
Do you want him to go no contact with you? Because that’s the direction this is heading in.
ResoluteMuse − What I am reading from this is that you knew you were not cut out to be a parent, you feel you have done your duty and are now determined to do every thing you feel you missed out on.
You can do whatever you like and whether you are TA or not, your actions will have consequences, but only time will tell if you find you regret your actions or not.
Interesting_Order_82 − YTA. My jaw dropped at all your replies. I’m so sorry how resentful you are of your son and having to be responsible for your actions (getting a woman pregnant). Parenthood doesn’t stop at 18.
Great_Cranberry6065 − NAH. It’s your life so live it how you want. I don’t think Jake’s expectations are that unreasonable, though. You are a pretty terrible father now. Parenthood isn’t a job that you retire from.
jessicaskies − Being a parent never stops my dude you’re e**titled to free time but you can’t just tell him you’ve checked out of parenting
Happyclouds87 − YTA for being an AH. Just tell your kid you hate him and want nothing to do with him and his kid. Then you can go and be s**lfish and forget you were ever a parent
Rohini_rambles − I know you said you hung up the parent hat… but that is a brutal and heartbreaking thing to put into practice. He has a kid at the same age you did, but **for the first 13 years, you only had him for twice a month, plus an additional month, so that’s 78 days PER YEAR YOU HAD HIM.
** You only took on more “parenting work” after his mother remarried, so you have what, 5 years of constant parenting?
Dependent_Lobster_18 − YTA. I wouldn’t consider going to an occasional little league game or going to the zoo with your son and grandson “parenting” more like being a loving grandparent. Then again if that’s all you did for the first 13 years of your sons life I suppose you would consider that parenting.
Strict-Issue-2030 − INFO: reading your posts/comments, it sounds like you’ve decided to quit being a parent. Does this mean when asked, you’ll tell someone you don’t have a son/grandkids or will you be honest and say you have them but you don’t consider yourself a parent because you didn’t feel like being an active father anymore?
Flimsy_Thesis − My dad is in a very similar boat as you. He didn’t really want kids and my mother browbeat him into it, then she died when my sister was five and I was two. He dropped everything, literally everything, and went into combat mode to be a father.
He made sure we still had lives like our friends; soccer and little league, sleepover birthday parties, summer vacations. Everything a kid could ask for. I’m 37 now and my dad will be 72 in December. We are friends now, and he respects me as a man with my own home and my own life, but he’s still my father. There’s still things I need from him that I can’t get from a friend.
He’s never stopped being my father just because I’m a man. I don’t mean to be harsh, man, but if my father had turned out like you, constantly reminding me of how he was done being my dad, I’d probably cut ties with you. It’s just so s**lfish and painful for a child to hear that I’m surprised he hasn’t already.
YTA and I hope you learn before it’s too late to fix your relationship with your son, or you find whatever it is out there you’re looking for. Because you can absolutely have both, you can be a father and a grandfather and still have the life of adventure you crave, but once it’s gone, you can’t really get it back.
OP fulfilled his parental duties and made it clear he was stepping back once Jake became an adult. While Jake may feel hurt by OP’s lack of involvement with his son, OP has a right to enjoy his life after raising a child for 20 years. Being a grandparent doesn’t come with the same obligations as parenting.
