AITA? I told my daughter not to bother applying for college.
You (35f) told your 16-year-old daughter, who is entering her senior year of high school, not to bother applying for college because you and her father have decided not to let her go until she’s 18, citing concerns over her maturity, naivety, and vulnerability to peer pressure. Your daughter became upset, crying and yelling, and later reached out to her aunt, who has since called you an asshole for your decision.
‘ AITA? I told my daughter not to bother applying for college.’
This is a throwaway account. I am F35 and have a 16 year old daughter. My daughter has a late birthday (early/mid December), so she is going into her senior year of high school. She is a very smart girl and I’m proud of what she’s accomplished. But she’s also young and naive in a lot of ways.
She’s easily manipulated. She doesn’t pay much attention to her surroundings. She can’t stand up for herself. She constantly still calls or texts myself and her father for help with things.
More recently, I’ve also been concerned about her doing dangerous things or submitting to peer pressure from her ‘friends’. I’ve met them and they are not good kids. I’ve told her to stop talking to them but she refuses and tries to go behind my back.
For these reasons (among others), her father and I have decided that we are not going to let her go off to college as long as she’s a minor under our care. This means that she won’t be going in fall ~~2025~~ 2024 because she doesn’t turn 18 until that December. I am not trying to stifle her, but I do want her to be safe.
She was recently talking about starting to fill out college applications and I told her not to bother. I explained that we weren’t letting her go until she’s old enough to make that decision for herself. She started crying and yelling at me but I refused to budge. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable and honestly her reaction is more evidence of immaturity. But apparently she texted her Aunt who has been calling me an a**shole. Am I the a**shole?
Edit: fall 2024, not fall 2025.
Edit 2: people seem to think that I will not allow her to go to college at all. I am absolutely willing to let her go to college once she’s 18 and we will pay for it, wherever she wants to go (we have the means).
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
dusktrail ( Top 1 ) says
How does infantilizing her help her learn to be independent? how does stifling her help her development?
YTA
Beautiful-777 ( Top 2 ) says
YTA. I have a late birthday as well, and was very naive in high school. College is what made me mature into the young adult I am now. What I cant get over is the way you discuss her calling you and your husband as if it’s bothersome. I call my parents at least 2 times a day just to hear their voices because I love them and I miss them. It sounds like you can barely even stand your daughter.
At the rate you’re going, she’s going to apply behind you’re back and never speak to either of you again. And good for her if she does. Reevaluate your way of thinking and try to have some faith in your child.
ETA: typos
sekhenet ( Top 3 ) says
Yta, stop helicopter parenting your daughter. A few months more at home wont make her more mature, college will.
[deleted] ( Top 4 ) says
[deleted]
Specialist-Effort777 ( Top 5 ) says
>She can’t stand up for herself.
>I’ve told her to stop talking to them but she refuses and tries to go behind my back.
I like that you think people can’t see right thru you.
[deleted] ( Top 6 ) says
YTA and your reasoning for her not being able to is b**llshit at *best*.
Little-Helicopter-69 ( Top 7 ) says
YTA, a good way of ensuring your daughter doesn’t have anything to do with you once she does finally leave the house.
blackgirlmagicplz ( Top 8 ) says
YTA. You were a lazy parent who didn’t teach your child these things and now want to punish her for not knowing them? College is also a good place to learn all of this before she gets to the real world and someone takes advantage of her naïveté. Or you could work on those skills now. But I guess sheltering her and ruining her relationship with y’all is easier.
Edit: your edit makes it worse. You don’t magically gain all life skills at 18.
SamSpayedPI ( Top 9 ) says
> honestly her reaction is more evidence of immaturity.
Honestly, her reaction is a perfectly normal response to your throwing a monkey wrench into her plans for the future, without warning or consultation.
First of all, Fall 2024 is an entire year from now; don’t you think she might grow up a little between now and then? You’re not even giving her a *chance* to demonstrate her maturity.
>This means that she won’t be going in fall 2025 because she doesn’t turn 18 until that December.
Second of all, you’re making her wait *two* extra years. Since she’s going into her senior year now, she would typically start college in 2024. But you’re not even letting her start in *2025* because she’ll “still be 17.”
So you’re making her sit out of college *for two years*? Because of some arbitrary number?
Yes, YTA. You want her to forget everything she’s learned in high school and be unprepared for college? Work in a dead-end McJob for two years? Decide she doesn’t need college because she’s so desperate to leave home she’ll move out the moment she turns 18? Then keep doing what you’re doing.
Lost_Professional ( Top 10 ) says
Stunting her opportunity for development is a good way to stunt her opportunities for development.
The cycle continues.
YTA.
YTA. While your concerns for your daughter’s safety and maturity are understandable, refusing to allow her to apply for college may stunt her growth and limit her opportunities. Instead of forbidding her, it would be more productive to work with her on developing life skills, independence, and decision-making during her senior year. College is a major step towards adulthood, and helping her prepare for it would be more beneficial than trying to delay her future.
