AITA for telling my wife it’s not ‘cute’ for her to encourage our teenage daughter to expect her boyfriend to pay for EVERYTHING in their relationship?

A dad is feeling conflicted about some advice his wife has been giving their teenage daughter about relationships, and he’s wondering if he’s in the wrong. His 16-year-old daughter recently started dating a shy, respectful boy, but the mom’s been encouraging their daughter to expect him to pay for everything.

The dad doesn’t think it’s “cute” or fair, and he’s tried to teach his daughter about equality in relationships. After a private conversation with his wife, things got heated, and now he’s unsure if he overstepped.

‘AITA for telling my wife it’s not ‘cute’ for her to encourage our teenage daughter to expect her boyfriend to pay for EVERYTHING in their relationship?’

Wife and I have been married 18 years, we have our 16 year old daughter who has been dating a slightly shy/ awkward young man for around 3-4 months now. He seems very nervous around my daughter and has admitted in a passing comment here and there to my wife and I that he can’t believe she agreed to date him and he thinks she’s way out of his league. He seems very respectful, just shy.

My wife is usually an independent, awesome woman and her ideals align closely with mine particularly in term of feminism and equality. We have both striven to raise our daughter to be as independent and capable as possible. Since my daughter has been dating this kid my wife has changed considerably and has given our daughter advice that has left me with raised brows more than once.

Some of the advice I’ve heard my wife give is ‘oh it’s cute for boys to pay for everything, especially in your first relationship!’ Or ‘oh honey don’t worry about that, he can pay for you, if he really liked you he would’ and similar. I’ve tried to balance this out by telling my daughter straight away ‘two people in a partnership should be contributing equally’ and my personal favorite ‘if someone asks if they can take you out to dinner, it’s reasonable to expect them to pay, but if someone asks you to grab dinner with them, it’s reasonable to split the payment’. I figured that would be an easy way for a young person to understand the difference.

However I’ve noticed my daughter becoming more and more entitled with her boyfriends money. They haven’t been anywhere obviously since we’re home but the way she talks about him ‘oh I’ll just ask him to pay for x’ etc leaves a bad taste in my mouth. She has also flippantly bragged/ mentioned that she gets him to buy gift cards for her etc by mentioning her mother’s advice, i.e. ‘if you really liked me you’d pay for x’

I spoke to my wife privately and told her my concerns, she insists it’s a rite of passage for girls and it’s cute that she should feel a guy is completely spoiling her. I told her that it’s not cute for her to be thinking it’s acceptable to view relationships as personal ATMS, and my wife became very angry with me and is now calling me an asshole with a lot of hostility.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

aitafun – It’s not cute. NTA. Your wife is TA. Your daughter is becoming TA. The boy also needs some guidance, but that probably shouldn’t come from you.

resjudicata8 – Encouraging her daughter to exploit her bf financially and being a fierce, independent woman whose ideals align with yours on feminism and equality do not compute. Maybe she is not as fierce and independent as you thought.

cpplearning – NTA, Ask your wife how she would feel if his dad told his son ‘if she really liked you, she’d ….’ you get the idea.

LunasTwilight – Ew, no, not cute! You sir are NTA, your wife and daughter however are. Honestly I’d call a family meeting and sit down with BOTH of them and explain how damaging this attitude of entitlement can be, both for her and the boys she’s going to exploit. If things don’t change, give that poor boyfriend of hers a heads up- if he’s a good kid he doesn’t deserve to be used if she doesn’t actually care about him beyond his wallet.

throw_away-20000019 – NTA. This is teaching her to be financially dependent on men and creating a sense of entitlement. Also, assuming he’s around her age, it’s very unreasonable to expect a 16 year old to have money to pay for everything of hers in the first place.

NothingSinister – NTA, your wife’s advice is turning your daughter entitled and spoiled. This is not healthy in a relationship of any age and splitting costs should be how it is. You are completely right about relationships not being personal ATMs. If I was dating someone who started acting increasingly entitled to my money I’d leave, it’s not cool.

lods13 – Nta. Women that hop back and forth between exploiting feminism and chivalry when it’s advantageous for them are the worst.

iritatingg – NTA for sure. ”if you really liked me you would pay” ?? Just no. You should talk to your daughter though, ask her if she notices what she is doing and if she really likes him for him and not just his money.