AITA for telling my husband that I “can’t do this anymore” after he quits his job to work with his mother?
Imagine being just two weeks away from having your first child, with everything carefully planned, only to find out your husband has quit his stable job to work with his overbearing mother. That’s exactly what this woman is dealing with.
After months of her mother-in-law’s attempts to insert herself into their lives, her husband makes a decision that could jeopardize their financial security and future plans. Now, she’s wondering if she’s wrong for telling him she can’t do this anymore. Would you do the same in her shoes?
‘AITA for telling my husband that I “can’t do this anymore” after he quits his job to work with his mother?’
We are due to have our daughter in 2 weeks and planned ahead of time so I could stay home for a year with her (while I’m nursing). We saved around $26k, plus took in to consideration that at his job he was making $3k a month ($23 hourly). Our bills for the year come out to around $46k.
Since we got pregnant his mom has been super overbearing with the “boy mom” bullshit. She’s been trying to force her way in to our lives in ways that I’m not okay with. Like trying to convince us to buy a house with her so she can help raise “her babies baby” (my husband actually considered this and I shot it down immediately). Has been stopping in whenever she feels like it with stuff for him and him only. Like she literally brings him food (1 serving, only enough for him) around dinner time probably 2-3 days a week, saying “I just know you miss momma’s cooking”.
Keeps buying him mom + son jewelry, knowing he won’t wear jewelry and tells me “he will wear it. It’s a mom and son thing, you wouldn’t understand” when I tell her he’s not going to wear it (he hasn’t worn any of it). She is 100% treating him like he is her husband. Calling him to go do things for her all hours of the day/night and all around just trying to get him out of our house and over to hers.
On the off chance that he does go over, she’s all like “since you’re here, I will let you treat me to a mom and son date at Denny’s”. Or when she’s here, she will look at me and tell me how she takes her coffee and expect me to make it for her. I know I’m rambling but this woman is bat shit fucking crazy and no, she was not like this prior to me getting pregnant. They barely spoke before I got pregnant. As soon as she found out we were having a baby, she sunk her claws in. With the whole “my baby isn’t a baby anymore” bullshit (we are literally in our 30s).
So if all else wasn’t insane enough, she’s been trying to convince my husband for at least 3 months to quit his job (search and rescue) and go work with her so they can spend more time together. She works at a medical rehab facility. I told him I won’t tolerate that for one reason, it’s $13 an hour. $10 less an hour than he makes now. I’ve talked reason with him. Like if he goes there, I will end up having to go back to work because $13/h cuts his monthly income in half (just about) and this is NOT what we agreed to or planned for.
Not only that but her job is biweekly pay and doesn’t have benefits for a year (he had full benefits at his job). He told me he didn’t want to work with his mom and not to worry about it (about 2 months ago he said that). But I just found out last night that he did in fact quit his job and applied at the place his mom works and bypassed the interview process because mommy vouched for him. So now he has a job with her. I wasn’t nice about it when he told me, admittedly. I asked him why the fuck he would do that and he goes “well my mom is getting older and she wanted me to work with her so we can hang out more before she passes” (she’s literally 61 and healthy).
I slept on it and decided I couldn’t do this. I told him this morning that I couldn’t do this. I’m not going to be overruled by a woman who refuses to stay in her lane. I’m not going to bow down to a mommies boy or a woman who grossly won’t leave her son alone. He can do it on his own and we can do this separately. I told him I will take the money I saved ($23k of the $26k) and figure it out on my own and that he needs to leave and go back to sucking mommies tit at her house. He, for whatever reason, is shell shocked that I’m taking it “this far” and says I’m an AH for not understanding that his mother getting older and wanting to spend time with him should be important. I’m not budging though. He’s allowing her to destroy our lives.
ETA: I want to touch base on finances real quick for the people commenting “being a single mom is going to be great”. If he was to leave and we get divorced, my bills would reduce by at least 1/4, if not more. I’ve been helping him pay off his student loan debt for 5 years and the price keeps increasing so there’s no end in sight. With the $23k that I saved, I could pay for my home and bills for a year and a half. When I add his bills and his debt to the equation, it wont even cover a year. I’m not afraid of single motherhood. He would be involved regardless if we separate as well.
ETA again: he signed a pre-nup. I owned the house long before we started dating. I withdrew MY $23k from the bank and put it in my personal. I already spoke to an attorney and I’m in the clear to do so because I have a paper trail on what was mine vs what was his. I’m an accountant. Numbers and money is kind of my specialty. I have it all handled, legality wise.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Easy-Awareness-1605 – NTA. He has a family, that should be his first priority. By taking this new job he’s putting his family in financial burden. Mommy also needs to step back. She feels like she’s gonna lose her son but that’s no excuse.
StrangledInMoonlight – He just quit his job. The job with benefits. She is about to give birth and he took 43% pay cut, and lost his benefits. If they are in the US and she was on his insurance, he just completely scrapped her health insurance for the birth of their child. Did he get in an accident and lose half his brains? That is absolutely insane.
superflex – NTA. Who the f*ck thinks it’s a good idea to take a 50% pay cut with a baby on the way? Sorry but your husband is a moron and a momma’s boy.
empathy10 – I think that his decision to quit his job was the death knell. He knew it would have a drastic financial impact on you both and does nothing to address how his mother has been behaving at all. You’re brave for taking the decision you did IMHO. If he values his core family, he’d make changes right quick to fix the situation but I have little faith that he will do so based on his actions.
sanityjanity – NTA. Your husband just sacrificed all that money that you’ve saved, and he sacrificed the year of maternity leave that you planned to pay for with it. You are right that you have a husband problem. I recommend initiating divorce immediately, because they will calculate child support on the basis of his previous salary. (Please confirm this with a family law attorney local to you).
Your husband has made it perfectly plain that his mother’s wishes are more important than you or his child. He won’t be able to parent a child. You can’t force him to parent, but you can (legally) force him to contribute financially, through the process of divorce and child custody. I’m so sorry that you learned this about him at this late date. I really wish he’d just stayed in his incestuous relationship with his mother, and left you out of it.
Shdfx1 – NTA. Your MIL is exhibiting signs of emotional incest, which is not sexual. The woman, often frustrated in her own romantic life or marriage, views her son as a proxy husband in all ways but sexual. She will view his wife as a threat and interloper, and do all she can to get him away from her. She’ll even feign health problems, or claim he has to spend as much time as possible with her before she dies.
You must understand that your husband has been conditioned by his mother, and his responses won’t be rational. You’re right for getting out. Just know that his mother will be raising your child, likely trying to alienate her from you, on your husband’s custody or visitation days. This isn’t over.
jjwax – NTA. As the sole earner, it’s absolutely unfair for your husband to cut his earnings in half (not to mention – where is the baby’s health insurance gonna come from at the new place?) without discussing it with you first.
murphy2345678 – NTA. Get that money out of the joint account right now. And find someone else to be in the birthing room with you. Unless you want him ANND his Mommy there!!! Don’t tell him you are at the hospital. And tell the nurses not to let them in to the room if they do find out!
