AITA for running away from home because I’m terrified of my husband and also dealthy terrified of my son?
In some situations, the lines between right and wrong can blur when it comes to family, especially when you feel trapped by abuse. This woman ran away from her husband and son, fearing for her safety after years of being mistreated by both.
Now, her family is telling her she’s a bad mother for leaving, but she’s unsure if she did the right thing. Is she justified in prioritizing her safety, or did she abandon her family? What would you do in her situation?
‘AITA for running away from home because I’m terrified of my husband and also dealthy terrified of my son?’
I (f35) have a son (m18) and a husband (m45) who I’m attempting to divorce. I met my husband when I was 16 at the church in my home town. At seventeen he invited me over and I don’t remember it well but we ended up sleeping together. I was supposed to be cleaning his house for some extra pocket change but ended up pregnant, I still can’t remember everything that happened, but when my parents found out they confronted him and made me marry him. I had my son not much longer after that.
My husbands a brute, he was always mean to me. I tried my best to make him happy, I’d cook his favorite foods, clean the house extra nice, do childcare work to make a few dollars to buy him a treat or two but if I made one mistake he didn’t like he’d hit me. I use to cry to my father about it but he’d tell me it’s my punishment for having premarital sex. I’d ask my father what my husband’s punishment was and he’d say “his punishment is having to settle for you.” I don’t think I ever recovered from that. Before anyone asks about my mother my mother has always been kind of out of it.
She’s been on medication since I was a child and she’s kind of like a zombie. She doesn’t talk much or do much of anything unless my father says so. She was different when I was little but I hardly remember those days. The hitting got worse. To the point where I wasn’t really allowed to leave the house or if I did i had to wear makeup or else my husband would think I was trying to get him in trouble. My son grew up watching this. I’ve heard stories of kids hating their abusive fathers but my son loved his father, more than he loved me. I never wanted my son to hate his father but he started acting out and eventually he started laying hands on me.
My son started hitting me when he was ten. It was light and I’d tell him to stop but as he got older he started beating me. If I told him no he’d beat me. If I didn’t do something he wanted he slap or kick me and even punch me. And my husband would back him up a lot of the times. He’d say “He’s just learning to be a man. He’ll stop when he’s older and has his own wife.” It got the the point where I was terrified of my baby. The only thing in this world I ever got to make, and he terrified me. When he was 16 he broke my arm really bad because I showed my husband his report card. My husband disciplined him but never told me how.
I grew to hate my son so much everyday but I still tried to be good to him, to help him. He didn’t want that. I couldn’t make him want that. I couldn’t sleep or eat without dreaming of my son and husband hurting me. My son once pinned me on the ground because I had asked him to help me lift something, I’m frail so I can’t lift much. When he pinned me he hit me a lot and I could feel… it. Hurting me aroused him. He humped me for a few seconds and then he started screaming at me saying it was all my fault and locked himself in his room. I didn’t tell my husband. I should’ve but somehow I felt like I would’ve just gotten hurt worse either by my sons or my husband. He was 17 when this happened so last year. After his 18th in January I packed a bag and wandered off into the night. I don’t have friends, my father wouldn’t help me even if I told him these things.
I slept on a park bench and went to the library and looked up a woman’s shelter. I worked really hard and got a studio apartment. I don’t know how but my son found me. He spent hours at my door knocking and crying for me calling me mamma. He hadn’t called me that in years. I was terrified he’d break the door down and drags me back to the house but my neighbors made him leave.
My son has somehow gotten my number and now he, my husband and father, and some of my son’s friends are texting me and calling me horrible names. My son says I’m a bad mother for running away and not loving him the way he loves me. My husband says he won’t grant me a divorce and that he’ll take whatever I have right now and that I’ve failed as a woman. My father says I’ll die alone because I’m a bad woman. My father even got my mother on the phone to speak to me. She’s all pilled out though so I shouldn’t take her words to heart but she says that a woman can never abandon her child no matter how painful life gets. She told me when my father hurt her she never left me, so I was a coward and a failure you leaving my son. She said she could forgive divorce but not leaving my baby behind… Aita?
Edit: while I have no issues responding to comments the idea of replying to personal messages terrify me for some reason. Please don’t be upset if I don’t message you, I don’t mean to be weird.
Edit 2: I’ve been reading a lot of comments and I’m grateful and very overwhelmed. I won’t get to specific but I just packed an essentials bag and have purchased a ticket for out of town. I got off the phone with a shelter a few thousand miles away and they’re willing to get me once an arrive in their city. I’ll figure out divorces and restraining orders once I’m finally there. Until then I’ll read comments to see if there are anymore useful things to learn. Luckily my studio is on a month to month lease because I had never really planned on making this a permanent home. So leaving is as hard as I thought. Running away the first time was hard but maybe the second time with be easier?
Update: here’s a small update and I likely won’t update again do to being nervous about everything but I’m on a bus. I got on this morning and I’m about five hours away from the state and then I’ll be getting on a plane. I had enough money for a ticket so I’ll be super far away. I won’t work on the divorce until a few months from now and I have a small job lined up. It’s nothing special just a 12 an hour fast food gig. I’m grateful for all the advice. My old landlord was sorry to see me go but I paid off this months rent and told him he can sell the little bit of furniture I had. He said he’d give me half of that money once it’s all sold. He’s very kind, a little scary looking but when I spoke to him over the phone after I had left he was very understanding. Thank you all for everything and I’m sorry but this is the last thing anyone will hear from me unless I work up the nerve to update again. You are all incredibly wonderful and special people to me.
Update: I know it hasn’t been that long but it feels like it has. I just want you all to know I’m fine. I have a roommate now! She’s a lovely older lady who plays piano. She’s been allowing me to rent a bedroom for her and all I have to do is pay 300 a month and help her around the house when I’m not working. I have a divorce lawyer who’s been dandy with me though it’s a little difficult since my husband is so far away and not being kind about it since I won’t communicate with him outside a lawyer. My son hasn’t come close to finding me at all though I do miss him… sometimes, I mean I gave birth to him, it’s hard to be strong about my feelings regarding him but I know I’ll never allow myself to be near him again no matter how sad I feel about it. My roommate is around 59 and she’s a lovely baker. She teaches me all these lovely recipes for cobbler and so on. I know it’s weird but I feel like she’s the first real friend I’ve had since I was a small child. I haven’t tried dating. I don’t think I will. I also tried Marijuana for the first time. Absolutely pleasant, my roommate got it for me. She uses it for her back pain but I use it for bed. It helps me sleep without night terrors. I feel like I’m learning what life is now and I actually love it💗💗💗
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
bidgeywidgey – NTA. They don’t love you. They love to control and hurt you. Please be careful and don’t fall for their lies. You are worth so, so, so much more 💜
cutsforluck – I absolutely agree and echo all of this comment. I also want to highlight this–
I use to cry to my father about it but he’d tell me it’s my punishment for having premarital sex. I’d ask my father what my husband’s punishment was and he’d say “his punishment is having to settle for you.” I don’t think I ever recovered from that.
Most people– particularly those who have never been abused in any form– may easily gloss over this detail. However, this is what sealed OP settling for abuse. When the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, instead tell you that you deserve abuse…even if you ‘logically know’ that this is false, it wounds you on a deep level. When the people who were supposed to support and protect you, instead choose to turn on you…it hits different.
On an emotional level, you accept that there is nowhere safe. There is no person or place that is safe and will support you. So, maybe you just have to settle for and accept abuse? And you think that you can make the best of it, maybe it will change after all, if I am positive enough, if I see the good in the situation…
It is not physical chains restraining you, it is the irrefutable feeling that you can’t, shouldn’t leave. And that leaving may even be worse than staying. It’s a blessing in disguise that OP hit bottom and escaped.
Reddit User – Please block everyone. Keep repeating this “I will no longer allow anyone to hit me or say mean things to me”. You need protection and help to escape. You can file for a restraining order for all of the horrible people in your life. Please find a domestic violence shelter. I hope someone here has better advice. Honestly, your ex telling you he won’t give a divorce? Who cares. You can file for a divorce and his compliance is not required. They have terrified you into submission, their power over you is not absolute.
VegetableBusiness897 – Congrats on getting away! Ditch this phone and get a burner. Stay off social media. Don’t renew the lease on this place. Look for another. Get some resource help from a DV shelter if you can find one. Do any work you can find.Legally change your name. Ditch the old burner and get a new one. When you get the name change, and the new place do not get any deliveries, use a PO box only. Keep a go bag and most of your money in cash. Reset your life, for you and you alone You can do it!
ElehcarTheFirst – He doesn’t have to Grant you a divorce. My ex-husband wouldn’t sign the papers and after 2 years I was granted the divorce. I’m very proud of you for leaving this abusive situation. It takes a lot. You have been groomed since you were a child that you deserve to be treated poorly. You don’t. You deserve to be treated kindly and with love.
I’m sorry that your family is completely awful. I hope you have found support to help you through this. If not I hope you have a therapist who can assist you. But you know you’re going to have to move and change your number and I know that that’s awful as well.
HilMickaelson – Can you move out to a different place in the middle of the night? Since they know where you live now, pack a bag and go to a women’s shelter in a different city. You aren’t safe and need to protect yourself and put yourself first. If you go back, they might hurt you so much that they could even kill you. Please don’t return to them.
Your child isn’t a baby; he’s an adult and an abuser. If you go back, he might even end up rapping you. As you mentioned, he even got turned on by inflicting pain on you. That behavior will likely keep escalating, and you aren’t safe in their hands. You were raped at 17 and probably during most of your marriage by your husband. The fact that you block the memories of what happened to you when you met your husband is probably a trauma response.
Something tells me that your father is also an abuser, and he is making your mom take heavy medication to keep her under control. Zombies don’t typically fight or leave their abusers. If you go back, you’ll end up just like your mom. Are you sure your father didn’t sell you out to your husband? That would explain why he never had your back and didn’t try to protect you.
You’ve spent most of your life being treated as a punching bag, doormat, and bang-maid. You’re still young and can start over and have a happy life. Get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. You don’t need your husband’s permission to divorce him. Save every message you receive from them because that can actually help you get a restraining order and during divorce proceedings.
I understand that you love your son and want the best for him, but you need to go no contact with him and start just seeing him as an abuser because he is only using nice words and calling you mommy because he misses his maid and punching bag and is probably being manipulated by your husband. Please take care of yourself and fight for yourself. You still can have a bright future. BTW, you aren’t being a bad mom; you’re just a survivor of abuse and have done the best you could for several years. It’s time to face that your son will never treat you as a mom and respect you.
BaconMeCraaaazy – NTA. Look into your states services for victims of DV as they may be able to help you in this situation. Also get a therapist and maybe a case worker to help relocate you (and change your number if you haven’t already). Maybe consider getting a restraining order against both of them. Abuse can come from any one and your son is abusive. He’s also 18 so he’s an adult and seems have learned a little too much from his father. Cut your loses and get out of there.
