AITA for making my stepmother cry in front of her family?
Navigating blended family dynamics can be tricky, especially when boundaries aren’t always respected. In this case, a teenage boy’s stepmother has been trying to fill a motherly role in his life, despite his clear discomfort with it.
Things escalated when she implied to her family that she was his mom and they might make it “official” through adoption. Frustrated, he corrected her in front of everyone, which led to her breaking down in tears. Now, he’s wondering if he went too far. Was he justified in standing his ground, or was he wrong to confront her in that moment?
‘AITA for making my stepmother cry in front of her family?’
My (16m) mom died when I was 5. When I was 8 my dad remarried. He started dating my stepmother a year before and he talked to me and my sister (24f) about it before. He told us we didn’t need to see our stepmother as a new mom or even a mom figure if we weren’t comfortable. But if we could be respectful and give her a chance to be something. He told us if there was anything off he wanted to hear that too. We gave our blessing while also saying we didn’t want her to be ‘new mom’ and dad said he supported that and would make it clear to her.
They got married and things seemed okay. Dad never called her our mom or anything and she… didn’t really. There were times she called us her kids and she’d try to do some of the mom things like Mother’s Day activities or sometimes we’d have stuff a parent-kid sports day and she’d want to go instead of dad since “most kids have their mom”. But dad would gently remind her that she wasn’t mom.
My sister and stepmother had a really rocky and rough relationship and they don’t speak much. My sister tolerated her for dad after the wedding more than anything. But at first she was okay with her. She just hated that she didn’t accept the no-mom role.
We spent after school with our grandparents until dad got home (he’d finish work before my stepmother). So she wasn’t doing all the mom stuff. She did offer to quit her job to do it or to go to part time or something but dad and her talked and he asked if she’d be okay doing all that and not getting recognized equally. So she kept her job but still tried to fill the mom role sometimes.
My dad and her started trying for kids and they ended up going to fertility doctors and stuff. Even when that was happening she still tried to fill that role for me. But I still don’t want her to be mom. The problem now is, she can’t have bio kids. Nothing can help. Dad has been comforting her about it. But now she has decided that I could let her adopt me and we could work on changing our relationship. I said no when asked and told dad. He decided they needed couples therapy.
We were at her family’s house Sunday afternoon and they were talking to her about the infertility stuff and she had mentioned she still has one kid aka me, and that we were maybe making that official and even if we didn’t, she was still mom to someone. It annoyed me and my dad wasn’t in the room at the time. And I said no.
Her family all looked at me and I said she isn’t my mom and we’ll never make it official because it’s not true. She started crying hard and my dad heard and came in and he brought us home. They got into a big fight that night and my dad told me I did nothing wrong but she said I humiliated her in front of her family. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
DragonCelica – NTA. I can’t imagine how crushing her pain must be, and I feel for her, but that doesn’t mean she gets to break your boundaries and use you as a bandaid. You’re not a consolation prize. Her behavior was absolutely atrocious.
my dad told me I did nothing wrong
I have to say, it’s so refreshing to see a parent encourage and support healthy boundaries when push comes to shove. OP, I assure you, you didn’t do anything wrong. It may not seem like it now, but you’re doing her a favor by not encouraging a false hope of adoption. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself, especially given the fact that you were surrounded by her family.
lectricpharaoh – NTA. Let’s get this straight- you’re a literal child who lost your mother when you were young, but old enough to understand. You, your father, and presumably your stepsister made it clear to your stepmother that she was ‘Dad’s wife’, not ‘Mom’. She decided that when she and your father couldn’t have kids, you could be her kid despite it being made clear to her that wouldn’t be your role in the family. Again, you told her no, and your dad told her no, and the issue of therapy was raised.
Then, having been told no yet again, she decides to call you her child in front of others, and announce how you might ‘make it official’, and when you once again say no, she turns on the waterworks and plays the victim. Your stepmother is a selfish narcissist with zero respect for your boundaries.
On another note, there’s nothing to say her and your dad can’t adopt. Just because it’s not you doesn’t mean it can’t be done, and if they could afford however many rounds of fertility treatments, I’m sure they could at least explore an adoption.
Expensive_Aioli8185 (OP) – They actually started therapy already. It went that far and she still brought it up in front of her family like it was a possibility or like it was an almost official thing. I think she expected a pity agreement. But I don’t know why that would feel any better to her.
Frankensteins_Kid – NTA. She KNEW coming into this marriage that the mom role is off the table. She probably thinks “They’re kids. I can change their mind if I force it hard enough”.
I’m sorry for her that she couldn’t have her own kids. But you & your sister are not obligated to play into her happy family fantasy. The mom title is not something that she is owed based on how many “mom-like activities” tokens she collected. It’s 100% up to the kids. I’m glad your dad stood up for you on this. I’ve read a lot of redditors prioritising their new lover/spouse over their kids. Good dad.
I_wanna_be_anemone – She’s only humiliated that her failed attempt at manipulating you when she felt she had backup and more importantly without your dad present to defend you fell through. Seriously op, that is some extremely slimy behaviour on her part. What kind of ‘mother’ step or otherwise decides it’s a good idea to peer pressure a kid with a pack of people they think will back them up? After deliberately isolating a child for the confrontation? It’s a deliberate move to change the power dynamics in step moms favour.
Do you know where her family stands on the whole thing? Are they flying monkeys ready to harass you or sensible people? If she 100% believes they’d take her side, what happened wasn’t innocent at all. It was an ambush. NTA
Fragrant-Customer913 – Go dad for not pushing this woman on you as your mom. He seems to get that just because she’s his wife that she isn’t your fill-in mom. At 16, you are old enough to have an opinion. Your opinion is you don’t want to be adopted by her. It sounds like she put you in an uncomfortable spot and she messed around and found out. I think she did it hoping if you were cornered you would agree. NTA.
bookishmama_76 – “I have to say, it’s so refreshing to see a parent encourage and support healthy boundaries when push comes to shove.” THIS! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a post like this where the bio parent supports their kids in this way. Bravo dad! And while I do feel for stepmom and can’t truly imagine what she’s going through, she was given a boundary and she crossed it.
