AITA for abandoning my brother after promising to my mom that I wouldn’t

A 33-year-old man grapples with a difficult family dynamic as he tries to care for his troubled younger brother, who has a learning disability and severe substance abuse issues.

After years of their mother supporting the brother emotionally and financially, she has passed away, leaving the man feeling obligated to fulfill a promise he made to her. Despite multiple attempts to help his brother, including visits and support, the brother’s abusive behavior and substance issues have pushed him to set boundaries.

He feels guilty for potentially abandoning his brother, who now claims he’s been left alone.

AITA for abandoning my brother after promising to my mom that I wouldn’t

This is a tough post to write and it’s even tougher to make it succinct. I (33M) could write endlessly about this… Apologies for the long post.From an early age it was clear that my younger brother was going to struggle.

He had a learning disability and it is through herculean efforts by my mother and that he managed to get through school, and with the help of a full time tutor who sat with him throughout elementary school. He managed to get a job in construction and did alright for himself in terms of income.

Skipping forward a few years, he is now 31, and he has been heavy a**coholic and eventually fell into hard drugs such as crack. Despite a monthly income of $4000 and expenses of only $800, he found himself constantly asking our parents for “rent money”, and they supported him and his vices, because they felt like if they “abandoned” him he would unravel even worse.

He’s a hateful, racist, misogynistic person, who is constantly angry and ranting. As a result, he’s extremely difficult to be around because he oozes negativity and bad takes. And consequently, he’s lonely. He has lost all of his friends, the girl he likes doesn’t like him back and his heart has been broken for 3+ years now.

So he heavily relied on my parents for emotional support. He would spent weeks at their place because he “couldn’t be alone”, crying and yelling in pain and self-pity. He often scared them, and often damaged their house.Mom spent countless hours of her life trying to research and find ways to help him at the expense of her own well-being.

We’ve tried to gently push him toward getting professional help and we succeeded in getting some for him on a few occasions. He did a detox program, AA and quickly relapsed, and now he refuses help, or when he starts getting helps he quickly gives up. He has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

Years ago, before the situation was nearly as bad as it is now, my mother made me promise to take care of him when they’ll be gone. Unfortunately, that time has come and I’m at the point where I have to make good on my promise.My brother called me on a MANY occasions while in crisis, and I made myself available to him over the phone.

On 4-5 occasions over the course of the past few months, I took time off work and I drove 2.5 hours to go be with him and to suffer through his caustic presence. He is much stronger than I am and at times I feared for my safety although he has never gotten physical (except for breaking things).

I also took him home last weekend after making him promise he wouldn’t drink or do drugs. We made him a proper homemade meal and tried to steer the conversation away from his usual nonsense and things went ok.

Sadly he did at my home what he did at my parents… While we were sleeping, he walked to the convenience store, bought a case of beer, drank the whole thing, had a crisis, yelled and screamed, threw stuff around and damaged some of the drywall and some of our stuff. He had a wound somehow and was bleeding on the carpet.

I went to try to help and he was belligerent and loud to the point where I thought I would have to call the police. He ended up calming down, but my wife is now terrified of him.I feel like being 2h30 away from him and given what has happened, I’m not equipped to help him, and I’m not equipped to feel safe from him.

Also, his constant calls where I have to suffer through his abuse and his nonsense are weighing down on me. So I’ve set some pretty rough boundaries. I no longer want to see him in person until he gets himself sorted out. He calls most days, often 2-3 times, but if I’m busy or if I can’t take it, I tell him I’ll call him back when I can.

We usually end up talking for an hour every week, on the weekend.He accuses me of abandoning him. I feel like I’m breaking the promise I made to mom. He’s alone now and I worry about what will happen.AITA for not helping him more

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

mdthomas ( Top 1 ) says

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. NTA

KenGriffinsMomSucks ( Top 2 ) says

NTA. First off dude, sorry for your loss. Your parents seem like excellent people that had great hearts.As for your brother, he needs to get professional help. He won’t be good for anyone, including himself, until he gets help for all of his issues.

Also abandoning your brother would be you NEVER answering his calls and just turning your back on him which you haven’t done.Also don’t think that making him man up and deal with his issues means you’re abandoning him. You have a life and a family and you cannot abandon them for someone who doesn’t want to be helped.

Best of luck to you as you navigate this difficult time and I hope for the best for you.

Cryptographer_Alone ( Top 3 ) says

Until your brother wants to change and is ready to take responsibility for his behavior, nothing you do will likely do anything more than enable his behavior.Further, your wife and any children you might have now or in the future made no promises to your parents. They should not be made unsafe in their home because of your promises.

Whatever support you wish to provide from here on out, don’t offer the same support your parents did. It doesn’t work, you know it and he knows it. Don’t bring him to your home. If he needs a babysitter, you go to him. Talk with your wife and set realistic boundaries to keep your support limited to what you both can live with.

I would also highly encourage you to connect with your local a**coholic’s Anonymous and/or Narcotics Anonymous. Both organizations have support groups and resources for family members of addicts.

Both to help you be a more effective support person to your addicted loved one and to help you be healthy and heal from the trauma that addicted persons cause their loved ones. Your brother doesn’t have to be in any of their programs for you to participate, and they’ll give you far more and better tools than the average internet stranger.
NTA

kendrickshalamar ( Top 4 ) says

NTA. What a huge burden you have. It’s not your fault that he’s beyond help, and don’t worry about what your parents would have thought. They carried that burden for too long too.

PurpleToad1976 ( Top 5 ) says

He’s not looking for help, he’s looking for someone to enable his bad behavior. Nothing about him will change until everyone stops enabling him and he fails miserably for awhile. At that point he might be ready to take some responsibility for his own life

Danube_Kitty ( Top 6 ) says

NTA. You are not abadoning him. You have just stopped enabling him.
The only person who can really make any action to difference in your brother’s life…is your brother.

Mean-Impress2103 ( Top 7 ) says

Nta and I’m going to be a bit harsh. You aren’t abandoning your brother you just aren’t enabling him like your parents did. Letting hin terrorize you and your wife is not “support”. Support is exactly what you are doing, talking to him regularly and being willing to pay for professional help because his needs are beyond your ability.

n0budd33 ( Top 8 ) says

He needs to take responsibility for his actions. he’s the a**shole, not you.

Auntienursey ( Top 9 ) says

Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You can not help him, period. He doesn’t want to change. What he does has been working for him for decades, and he will continue until he hurts someone badly or kills them. He needs to be held accountable, which means CALLING THE POLICE WHEN HE IS OUT OF CONTROL.

Let him fight them and see what happens. Actions have consequences, and he’s old enough to deal with them. They will detox him in jail and, depending on what charges he catches, put him in a place where he can’t hurt himself or others. This has gone on far too long.

Your obligation to your wife and family supercede any promise made to your mother. Protect yourself and your family before he hurts them or you.

ivyjade42 ( Top 10 ) says

Sigh. My father-in-law pulled this on my husband in regards to my sister-in-law (on and off d**ug addict.). First – definitely NTA. Second, as others have said – you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. He needs to want to get/act better – and it doesn’t sound like he does.

You taking abuse from him won’t help him and just make your life worse. I’d suggest low contact, and only via a way you can ignore/cut him off (e.g. text or email).

Navigating family obligations can be incredibly challenging, especially when it involves mental health and addiction. What would you do in this situation? Is it fair to prioritize your safety and mental health over a family member in crisis? What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments!