AITAH Friend uninvited me from summer vacation, and isn’t reading the situation right
In this situation, the Redditor (let’s call them Sam) was invited by a good friend, Paul, to join him and their mutual friend, Amy, on a summer vacation overseas. Sam eagerly bought the tickets, only to later find out that Amy had personal issues with them, which she failed to mention during months of trip planning. Amy eventually revealed that she didn’t want to travel with Sam for two weeks, stating that they “didn’t meet her values” but providing no concrete examples of wrongdoing. Sam tried to work things out, but Amy remained indecisive, ultimately leading Paul to uninvite Sam to preserve the peace. Although Sam managed to get most of their money refunded, they lied to Paul and Amy about the financial loss to make them feel guilty for ruining the trip. Sam now feels confused and hurt by their friends’ behavior and is questioning whether they have bad friends.
AITAH Friend uninvited me from summer vacation, and isn’t reading the situation right
I posted this a few days ago but deleted the post. More has developed so I’m seeking advice.
Context, right. Back in April, my good friend (let’s call him Paul) invited myself and our mutually close friend (she’s Amy) to an overseas summer vacation with him and his family. All we had to do was cover our flights and expenses, he’ll host us. Amy and I both agreed.
Upon learning I bought my tickets (June), Paul reveals to me that Amy has some kind of personal problem with me and I needed to talk to her or else the trip will be very uncomfortable (I was shocked and confused). It had been months and weeks of discussing booking flights with Amy (Paul and his family had already booked), but she failed to mention any problem, not to mention we’ve been hanging out as a group with no issues.
Amy is anything but confrontational. I also come to find out she’s been talking about how annoying I am to Paul, to which Paul kept urging her to talk to me. She eventually did (because I bought my tickets, she had no choice), and explained to me how she thinks I do not meet her values. When I asked if I had done anything wrong so I could mend things, I was told that it’s just the way she perceives me.
Paul and our other friends don’t have any issues with me, and think she’s extremely over reacting. Anyways, Amy decided to call me a week later saying that she doesn’t know what to do because on one hand she really wants to go be with Paul and his family but on the other hand she can’t travel with me for that long (2 weeks) because she’ll have a bad time.
I told her I’m not sure what she wants me to do, and i’m trying to understand the problem so we can tolerate each other (i’m embarrassed how desperate | sound). The next day Paul and i hang out and I ask him for his perspective: he says he wants Amy there and it would be the best for everyone. So as a result, my summer vacation is canceled.
As far as my $$$$ and saved up points, I managed by the grace of God to talk to two very nice customer service agents (2 airlines) who graciously refunded my money and points minus transaction fees. The only loss is that my credit card points are now spread and locked into two different airlines. I didn’t tell Paul or Amy this fact because I want them to live with the guilt of costing me this trip until they meaningfully apologize.
But a part of me feels bad about that lie (I told them they cost me 2k, but how it wasn’t about the money). I expressed my hurt to Paul regarding his s*lfish decision for which he apologized (yet I don’t feel better?). To make things more confusing, Paul thinks we are on good terms or something because he sent me a picture of himself taking off on the first leg of the trip saying he’ll “see me on the other side”??
Amy has not reached out and apologized for this mess, she only apologized (conveniently) when I went off about this ridiculous situation we are all in because of her unwillingness to make a decision. But she didn’t have much to say back besides her feeling bad.
I’m very confused, do I have bad friends? I was very much looking forward to this trip considering I will be going off to graduate school for the next few years, and this was my last “free” summer for a while. Now Im using my summer to work and “prep for school”.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
zedexcelle says:
And repping the 40s, delete their contact details, socials, whatever. Tell them why if you think it would help. If his family is expecting you, explain that you aren’t going because Amy has an issue and only brought it up this recently so his family don’t think you’re rude. Enjoy grad school.
Sudden-Place-3934 says:
I posted this a few days ago but deleted the post. More has developed so I’m seeking advice. Context, right. Back in April, my good friend (let’s call him Paul) invited myself and our mutually close friend (she’s Amy) to an overseas summer vacation with him and his family. All we had to do was cover our flights and expenses, he’ll host us. Amy and I both agreed.
Upon learning I bought my tickets (June), Paul reveals to me that Amy has some kind of personal problem with me and I needed to talk to her or else the trip will be very uncomfortable (I was shocked and confused). It had been months and weeks of discussing booking flights with Amy (Paul and his family had already booked), but she failed to mention any problem, not to mention we’ve been hanging out as a group with no issues.
Amy is anything but confrontational. I also come to find out she’s been talking about how annoying I am to Paul, to which Paul kept urging her to talk to me. She eventually did (because I bought my tickets, she had no choice), and explained to me how she thinks I do not meet her values. When I asked if I had done anything wrong so I could mend things, I was told that it’s just the way she perceives me.
Paul and our other friends don’t have any issues with me, and think she’s extremely over reacting. Anyways, Amy decided to call me a week later saying that she doesn’t know what to do because on one hand she really wants to go be with Paul and his family but on the other hand she can’t travel with me for that long (2 weeks) because she’ll have a bad time.
I told her I’m not sure what she wants me to do, and i’m trying to understand the problem so we can tolerate each other (i’m embarrassed how desperate | sound). The next day Paul and i hang out and I ask him for his perspective: he says he wants Amy there and it would be the best for everyone. So as a result, my summer vacation is canceled.
As far as my $$$$ and saved up points, I managed by the grace of God to talk to two very nice customer service agents (2 airlines) who graciously refunded my money and points minus transaction fees. The only loss is that my credit card points are now spread and locked into two different airlines. I didn’t tell Paul or Amy this fact because I want them to live with the guilt of costing me this trip until they meaningfully apologize.
But a part of me feels bad about that lie (I told them they cost me 2k, but how it wasn’t about the money). I expressed my hurt to Paul regarding his s*lfish decision for which he apologized (yet I don’t feel better?). To make things more confusing, Paul thinks we are on good terms or something because he sent me a picture of himself taking off on the first leg of the trip saying he’ll “see me on the other side”??
Amy has not reached out and apologized for this mess, she only apologized (conveniently) when I went off about this ridiculous situation we are all in because of her unwillingness to make a decision. But she didn’t have much to say back besides her feeling bad.
I’m very confused, do I have bad friends? I was very much looking forward to this trip considering I will be going off to graduate school for the next few years, and this was my last “free” summer for a while. Now Im using my summer to work and “prep for school”.
Sudden-Place-3934 says:
I am and I quote “stuck in my own world” and am “too proud and talk about things in my life too passionately” and “don’t seem to genuinely care about others’ lives”
guys i could recite to you every thing happening in their lives. Paul and I have no issue when it comes to our friendship (prior to this cluster f), we have no shortage of conversations. It’s just coming from Amy like smoke off a burnt pot.
I’m not trying to leave out any details, I’m as confused as you all are. Till now, I thought I was doing just fine. What makes this hard with Paul is he’s so damn nice, telling me how Amy’s opinions are only hers and how “we got your back bro don’t mind her, we don’t feel that way” we being the wider friend group.
And yes, Paul is trying to bone Amy, no doubt about that. But really man? So bad that you don’t mind me shoving my vacation (and our friendship) up my ass and not even realize it?
TraditionalPayment20 says:
OP, block this friend group and be done. Don’t want an apology because they can kiss your ass. Don’t want anything else from them. Paul is f*ke as f. Yeah he’s nice but he’s playing both sides and sucks. Amy is a b. Be done with them – block everything.
Let them feel your absence. Think about it – BOTH of them are okay with you losing $2k because Amy doesn’t like you. BOTH. These are not friends, they are assholes.
Puzzled_Juice_3406 says:
I agree with this. If I was Paul I would have told Amy she should have said something before tickets were purchased like when Paul proposed the trip in the first place.
Amy is either his side piece, or he’s interested in her to a point he is willing to cost a “friend” not insignificant amounts of money and toss OP aside as if it’s the best decision for everyone.
Amy had a problem, she should have backed out of the trip once she knew OP purchased tickets and eaten her own costs. The fact Paul allowed all of this to go down means his concept of friendship is not considerate of OP and is at best enabling Amy in shitty behavior and at worse a friendship of convenience based on his own selfishness.
Leelze says:
Apparently it’s parents from what I’ve been told. Sounds like Paul is putting the prospect of a hookup (seems like a lot of effort, but kids these days) ahead of friendship & Amy is manipulating the situation. At least OP isn’t being told to kick rocks while on this aborted vacation & he knows to move on from the friendship.
insolentpopinjay says:
Yuuup. Based off OP’s posts, Paul sounds like one of those cheerfully s*lfish assholes–the kind of person that’s nice but not kind. People like Paul are often otherwise likable. Their friends and partners might not notice they’re the only ones putting in the effort, showing consideration and compassion, and making thoughtful gestures. Meanwhile, the Pauls of the world soak it up like affable sponges and continue to put themselves first.
It never occurs to the cheerfully s*lfish a*shole to consider the perspectives, feelings, needs, and wants of other people. It’s what makes them so out of touch they do dumb, cruel s*it like I dunno, sending someone you excluded from a trip an airplane selfie. The people I’ve known who are like Amy can be downright dangerous in the ‘mental health and well-being’ sense, though.
Going off OP’s account, she seems m*nipulative, petty, vindictive, and passive aggressive. That she took a situation where she was 100% instigator and flipped it so she was the one deserving of support and sympathy set off major alarm bells for me. (I can’t help but wonder if she has a history of doing s*it like this–even if it’s just making subtle digs at people and then acting hurt and surprised when they finally tell her to shut up.)
OP’s “friends” indulging her t*xic behavior to “avoid drama” isn’t going to fix anything. She IS the drama and it’s going to keep escalating as long as it’s permitted. What Amy is currently pulling can really wreck your relationships and how you perceive yourself and others if it keeps happening over time.
In short: Paul is the kind of bad friend you will remember and wonder why you wasted so much time on them. Amy is the kind of bad friend you will remember in therapy.
daisiesanddaffodils says:
Tolerating this and continuing to entertain these people as “friends” is not nice guy behavior, it’s taking the path of least resistance. You’re free to do that, but don’t kid yourself into thinking it’s because you’re too nice or you genuinely think it’s the best way forward. You clearly know it isn’t.
Sam’s situation highlights how poor communication and unresolved personal issues can ruin friendships and experiences. Amy’s reluctance to confront her feelings led to unnecessary tension and a canceled trip. Paul, in trying to mediate, ultimately chose Amy’s comfort over Sam’s, deepening the wound. Though Sam managed to recover most of the financial loss, the emotional cost of this betrayal lingers.
Was Paul right to prioritize Amy’s comfort, or should he have done more to support Sam, especially after Sam had already booked the trip? Do you think Sam’s lie about the cost is justified? Share your thoughts on whether these friendships are salvageable or if Sam deserves better friends who can communicate and respect their feelings.
