Told my Brother and his wife (& their dog) they can’t stay with me while they’re “looking for a place”

A widow in her 60s, who recently lost her husband and moved to Tennessee for a fresh start, was asked by her brother and his wife to stay with her “temporarily” while they searched for a home nearby. After a history of taking advantage of situations, she worried they wouldn’t leave and disrupt her newfound freedom.

She set a boundary, asking them to find a place first, but now her sister-in-law is upset and has stopped responding. The widow wonders if she’s being selfish or if she made the right decision.

Told my Brother and his wife (& their dog) they can’t stay with me while they’re “looking for a place”

I am recently windowed. I lost my husband very suddenly to brain cancer after 40 years of marriage. I was his sole caretaker in his final days, and it was incredibly difficult for me, both mentally and physically. I’ve been caring for our two children their whole lives and still continue to help out my adult children by helping out with my grandkids to this day.

After my husband died in November, I packed up my entire life and moved across the country to TN, I bought my dream home, (my husband never could bring himself to retire so we were unable to fulfill this dream when he was alive). I bought my daughter and her two kids a home about 30 mins away from my house, so they could be nearby and have the same fresh start I have. Things have been great, a lot of change, but we’re excited to finally have done something big and brave with our lives, and feel hopeful about the future again. Just a new chapter for us all.

My kids and I joked between ourselves that my older brother and his longtime wife would surely eventually try to move in with me. They do have a history of taking advantage of situations, and people, but at the same time, we’re very close, and good people at heart. Although, my brother has made a lot of mistakes financially that have haunted them throughout the past several decades of their lives. They currently stay in a tiny apartment in Southern California, owned by their adult son. They don’t pay much rent, if any, and while my brother does do some remote freelance consulting work, I have no idea how much they make or have to support themselves.

Because I moved from CA to TN, I have a much bigger house now- it’s just me and my dogs, which is exactly how I want it. My daughter and her two kids totally could have lived with me in my house, but after 40 years of being the main caretaker for my family, I’m ready to take this time for myself, while I still can. I enjoy being alone, having my own space, and doing what I wish each day, for the first time in my 63 years on earth.

My brother and his wife came out to visit a few weeks back and really loved it out here, they talked about finding a place for themselves, maybe a small rental home or an apartment nearby, so we could spend time together. I would love to see them regularly and have them over for bbqs, etc. but several weeks after their visit they texted me letting me know they had hired movers and were going to put all their belongings in my workshop and stay with me for “a few days” while they look for a place of their own.

My daughter freaked out, said they will never leave, and if they do it’ll be because I had to help them get approved for a lease and help with down-payments/ security deposit etc. Suddenly, I could feel my newfound freedom, that I’ve waited over 40 years to claim, slipping through my fingers. The stress of not knowing how long they (and their dog) would stay or if they’d ever leave was overwhelming. I got the courage to tell them that they need to find a place before they move out here. Their reaction was even more upsetting than their initial plans.

In fairness to my brother, he replied “no prob” as he tends to sweep things under the rug and pretend they never happened, which in this case, was fine with me. But my Sister in law sent me a defensive text asking why I have “lost all faith in them,” saying “her credit is good” and they would only stay with me a few days. However in the very next line, she wrote that if they didn’t find a place, they would get a storage unit for all their belongings, as if their furniture in my workshop would be the issue. I felt like she totally contradicted herself, only further revealing their lack of a stable plan, an vast void in logic that would inevitably fall on me to fill in perpetuity. All I could say is finding a place before moving out here really is the only way- but that I hope they do find a place and move out here soon. She stopped replying to me and is now ghosting me. They know I don’t like confrontation and that the tension is surely wearing me down.

I have no assurance they could get approved for a lease with their history, nor that they even really want to. Apart of me thinks they believe that because I have a large home, live alone, and live comfortably, they deserve a piece of the pie my late husband and I spent our entire lives making. and I’m being selfish by setting what I see as healthy boundaries. Did I dodge the biggest bullet ever or am I the asshole for not letting them come move in “temporarily?”

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

nicholsonsgirl says:
NTA They don’t want to pay for storage fees but they’ll pay to move their things twice? It would make more sense to get a lease in place and move their belongings once. Don’t let them stay. They haven’t even browsed listing online to view or started to line anything up. I doubt they have deposit, first/last months or places with open availability ready to go within a few days like they’re promising. The housing market in my area is tight and takes time.

Inevitable-tragedy says:
Remember the one where a single guy got a decent payout and his parents told him to give his newly bought house to his sibling with wife and kids who refused to have a job? They showed up while he was out, broke in, and started moving their stuff in when he said no. THAT was wild.

ArreniaQ says:
It’s good that you are able to be out of the house because of your jobs. I can see why you let it happen and hope that your GF decides she can’t handle it and tells her brother to find his own place.

Thing is, why should he if his sister is enabling him. Good luck!

ServiahSong says:
My ex-inlaws did this. Sold their house and moved in with us without asking. My Ex-Husband went along with it because he was happy to have his parents around. It was the worst year and a half of my life and what fi ally ended my marriage.

Say NO now while you still can.

Unknown User says:
Absolutely and positively NTA

Even if they were reliable and known to be true to their word, it’s not your responsibility to house them or their belongings. If they want to make a move, they can do it appropriately and do it themselves. They aren’t homeless. They are choosing to uproot themselves.

But given their history, I would stick to my guns. Make it clear it has nothing to do with their “credit” (even though that doesn’t help) and has everything to do with wanting some personal space after going through a huge loss and a huge move. You’ve earned your freedom and you have the right to say no.

They are only taking offense because they knew they had no plan and were basically going to sponge off you for as long as possible – guaranteed. It’s actually pretty fucked up for her to message you. To assume someone would just be okay to house multiple people and their belongings is weird and super entitled.

Who makes a move like that anyways?? Go for a visit, get a little jealous, then say “yea sis we are coming to live with you get ready!” But has zero plan on where to go, how they are going to find their life after such move…that makes ZERO sense. The fact that they were so comfortable with doing such means they were going to stay for as long as possible

Good luck

White_RavenZ says:
NTA -OP, look at what you wrote! They had already hired movers to relocate their shit to your place, you were only being notified of it so you could expect their crap to arrive… and they would stay with you while they looked for their own place.

Did you see it this time? They made a decision and were following through… come on, you see it now right? What critical step dit they not only miss, but clearly never even considered in the first place?

They. Didn’t. ASK. You. First!

I cannot even imagine calling up a mover to move my crap to someone else’s home, and then just telling them about it afterwards. No way. It doesn’t remotely matter that I’m “sure” they would be okay with it. There are certain social conventions of respect we do, and I’m sure you love your brother, but he didn’t respect you enough to ASK first. And to be quite frank, I’m personally glad he was straight up rude from the get go, because if he’d been savvy enough to remember to ask first, you might have said yes without thinking it through.

Their history is against them. Your daughter predicted this, so it’s clearly an established pattern for them.

Look here. Please. Once they arrive in the area, they might still try to creep into living in your home. All sneaky-like. They cannot come over. Make sure all your doors are always locked. If they want to get together, meet them out somewhere for dinner or coffee, but until they have established their own roots in the area, they don’t enter your house. Get cameras for the outside of your house. You need to be alerted if someone is at the door. Particularly if they have a locksmith with them, and a U-Haul visible on the street behind them.

We have seen entitled people pull some crazy shit on Reddit. Stuff their families never imagined they would do. This is YOUR home. You earned every square inch of it. YOU decide who lives there, and no one else.

threadsoffate2021 says:
Might want to look into the laws in your area. They stay too long with you, and they might lose eligibility to council housing. After all, why would the government voluntarily pay for them if you’re doing it?

HalfVast59 says:
Yeah, there’s really only one thing that makes me question the reality: the episode where the police helped get the family out of the house.

Most stories about squatters say the police won’t get involved.

Yes, OP had identification with his address, and there was a drilled out lock, but how would you prove that OP wasn’t the squatter, and idiots weren’t taking possession of their own house back? Property records might not be available to the police immediately – Friday after work, after all – and there might have been some title change that hadn’t gone through or something.

And … even with that skepticism, I can still believe it happened – ironically, because of the fake lease agreement. I could imagine the police saying, “this is civil, work it out,” until they see the fake lease and decide they’re pissed someone thought they were that stupid…