AITAH for not wanting to live with BIL anymore?
A woman expresses frustration over her 17-year-old brother-in-law (BIL) living with her and her husband, who dismisses her concerns about his increasingly inappropriate behavior. The BIL has been making her feel unsafe by physically handling her against her will, with her husband insisting it’s just playful and not serious.
Feeling anxious in her own home, she considers moving out, though it would be financially difficult, and she wonders if she’s wrong for prioritizing her safety.
AITAH for not wanting to live with BIL anymore?
My husband (32M) and I have been married for two years. His Dad and Stepmom are going through an ugly divorce, so his half brother (17M) has moved in with us to live for a year till he starts college. My husband loves his brother, treats him like a little kid and is over protective of him. I find BIL’s behavior obnoxious and we are having too many arguments over this. He’s been with us for only a month and a half and I can’t stand it and I really don’t think I can put up with it for a year.
It started off with him making messes and throwing away leftovers. Since I do most of the cooking and cleaning, it was increasing my workload. My husband’s list of chores have not increased by his presence so he was dismissive of my complaints. Since husband wasn’t saying anything I tried telling him to pick up after himself. BIL retaliated by spanking my butt. Anytime I tell him to do something he hits my butt hard and laughs. Husband told him to knock it off but he keeps doing it and husband treats it as if he’s just playing around, no big deal. Not only is it very disrespectful, but its really painful.
After that he started randomly picking me up and carrying me around. I am a little over 5 ft and 120 lbs and he’s a tall stocky guy. I hate it and husband just thinks he’s goofing around and trying to be friends with me. I work from home and the other day when it was just him and me in the house, he picked me up and ran with me to my bedroom and threw me on the bed. It really scared me, but he just laughed at me and left. Husband thinks I am being dramatic by being scared by this.
I feel like his behavior is escalating, but my husband tells me to act like the adult and not blow up over a kid’s playfulness. I am anxious everyday and I am seriously thinking of moving out though it’ll be difficult to afford it. AITAH for telling my husband that I don’t feel safe in our home?
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ETA: Thank you so much for your comments and validating me. My husband had me confused and believing that I was over reacting. I am so relieved to hear from so many people that this is as dangerous and bad as I feel. I have packed a bag in my car and some important belongings and documents. I am 29F for those who asked, I forgot to put that in my post.
I called and talked to MIL early in the morning. She’s always been very nice to me and at my wedding she told me she thinks of me as her daughter. My mom passed away when I was young and I don’t have any siblings so that had moved me very much. I was nervous about talking to her because I didn’t want to ruin that relationship, but she was so shocked when she heard the details. She said she’d talk to my husband and FIL and this was unacceptable situation and told me to come stay with her till it got resolved.
BIL is out with his friends till tomorrow for 4th of July, so it gives me some time to have one more detailed discussion with my husband. I am also going to show him this reddit post and hopefully his Mom’s talk and these comments will be a wakeup call.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
TheTragedyMachine says:
Ugh. I had a dude sexually assault me when I was in middle school. Still remember my parents and other involved adults telling me not to report it or press charges because the (much older) guy was a good guy and this was the first offense, did I want to ruin his life? etc. fucking hate to say it but 12 year old me gave into peer pressure.
Fucking can’t stand those arguments. Oh I should be worried about ruining -his- life? Yeah, sure.
mustang19671967 says:
Tell your husband , if he does that again with hitting ur butt you are calling police and charging him with sexual assault . Tell Him your not joking . If your brother won’t back you up on this maybe marriage was not ment to be . I’m guessing the mess and throwing out the food could be a reaction to being kicked out of his home by parents . You couldn get him to see therapist . Picking you up is unacceptable and tell Husband if he does that you are calling police . That is not dealing with divorce stuff and if trying to intimidate you and show you he doesn’t respect you .
JessBx05 says:
NTA. Your BIL is assaulting you, physically and sexually. And your husband is allowing it. Back your bags and leave, now. Neither behaviour will change. You are in danger from your BIL and your husband is an enabler.
Hour_Coyote3326 says:
Show that asshole you’re married to this comment here …see if he still fuckin’ laughing. Because that’s exactly what your brother in law is doing to you. Wonder how much more funny it’ll be to him when he actually tries to push his assault further. Say rape? What then?
Gudtymez says:
Also, ignore anyone telling you not to escalate it/call the police because it is a point you may not be able to go back on. Here was my response i typed before they dirty deleted:
Should she wait for him to throw her on the bed and rape her before escalating? Or maybe she should talk to the inlaws after that, too? Don’t want to hit the point of no return too prematurely, after all.
You are not safe. Do not wait for it to get worse or happen again. Pack a bag and GO. If your husband doesnt come to his senses, he is truly worthless and its better you find out now.
Apart_Foundation1702 says:
My husband would flip out if his brothers did anything to me like that! OP you husband is enabling his brothers behaviour! Leave them in the house alone with your BIL ‘s mess and see how long your husband gets fed up with him.
Arrowmatic says:
You might want to remind your husband that the next person your brother does this to likely won’t be as tolerant as you have been and by the letter of the law this IS sexual assault. By normalizing this he is teaching his brother this is acceptable behavior and if he cares to keep his brother out of jail he should really be clamping the fuck down on it while he still can.
Loreo1964 says:
NTA.
He’s practically a man and if anyone else did these things to you it’s assault. He absolutely can’t pick you up and throw you on the bed. My suggestion is since serious talks aren’t working action has to be taken.
Pack a suitcase. Leave it by the bedroom door. Tell them both you are not a slave and you aren’t here to be a play thing for BIL to disrespect. And if he doesn’t start pulling his weight around here or the next time he touches you in anyway your going to a hotel and they can just be bullies together alone for awhile.
Personal safety and boundaries are essential, and it’s important to be heard and respected in any household. When those boundaries are crossed, tough decisions must be made. How would you handle this situation? Let us know in the comments!
