AITA for reporting my classmates for joking that I have pretty privilege?
Dealing with snide comments and unwarranted accusations is tough, especially when it affects your reputation and hard work. In this case, a female student in a male-dominated course reported her classmates for making “pretty privilege” jokes and insinuating that she received help on exams from a PhD student she was seeing.
After raising the issue with her supervisor, her classmates faced backlash from their supervisors, and now she’s wondering if she took things too far. Was she right to stand up for herself, or did she overreact?
‘AITA for reporting my classmates for joking that I have pretty privilege?’
Background: I’m (F23) one of only a few female students in a male-dominated course. Furthermore, I am at a highly prestigious university and I haven’t really gotten along with the guys on my course. They are all very competitive and I just don’t really enjoy their company – everything turns into a pissing contest, and they definitely take me less seriously because I’m a woman. I stopped interacting with them beyond the mere minimum and choose to hang out with other people.
Anyway: I did well in our recent exams (I topped two out of four exams we had so far). Our prof congratulated me during class (I wouldn’t have advertised this myself). Ever since then, my interactions with a specific group of male classmates have gotten weird. They’re now outright rude and challenge me aggressively in class discussions. We recently had some presentations and one of them chose to do theirs on, to put it simply, “pretty privilege” – they specifically pointed to two papers that suggested that pretty female students get overscored in assessments. The other guys in the group snickered and one even gave me a wink. Afterwards, I heard them in the hallway joking that “they had experience with that themselves”.
I’ve been seeing a PhD student within our department for a month. He has literally nothing to do with our course. Well, we ran into one of my course mates A together. The next day in class his friend B asked me if “my boyfriend” helped me with exams. He said this intentionally loudly and in front of the professor, who heard this. I replied that I don’t have a boyfriend (cause he’s not my bf), but then B pointed out that he had run into me with the PhD student, making a point to say his name (the prof knows him). I just replied that we’re only friends.
They didn’t let up – I heard that they discussed this thing in two more classes, in earshot of the professors. Both times they suggested I got help for my exams ( I wasn’t even seeing him then). I didn’t confront them, but this has been causing me so much anxiety – even without the exam accusations, I worked hard to get here and I don’t want to be known among the faculty for my dating life.
I raised this issue with my supervisor, without the intention of taking it any further, but I wanted her advice as a woman in academia. She convinced me to let her email their supervisors “to remind them of proper conduct” and described their treatment of an “unnamed female student”. She didn’t name me, but they figured it out. They confronted me after class and asked my why I would report their “silly joke“. Apparently, their supervisors are now very cold towards them and less interested in helping. It’s not a formal complaint – only their supervisors know – but one of them, C, said his supervisor writes the reports for his financial aid/scholarship and it was my fault if he lost out on that.
I now feel a bit embarrassed and this was compounded by a friend telling me I took it to far cause C shouldn’t lose out on his scholarship. So, reddit – AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
thirdtryisthecharm – NTA. Any retaliation should also be reported. They’re angling for some big problems if they keep this up.
GreaterAmberjack – NTA – they know what they’re doing because jokers like this have been doing it for years – undermine your accomplishments, question your abilities and then act shocked when you stand up for yourself. I’m happy (and somewhat surprised) that the faculty and administration is treating this as seriously as it deserves. Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.
lordliv – NTA. Tell them maybe people would be more motivated to help them if they smiled more.
anyoldname7 – If their “pretty privilege joke” made you lose out on a scholarship or caused you to be graded extra hard, they wouldn’t give it a crap. They intentionally and repeatedly made this “silly joke” out loud, in front of professors. NTA. Maybe they should have thought about treating you with respect and professionalism BEFORE it had to come from a place of authority.
Dittoheadforever – You’re NTA and it wasn’t a “silly joke.” It was repeated harassment and constant implications that you’re not worthy of your grades and haven’t earned your way to where you are. You don’t deserve that and it should have been reported. It’s a shame those guys are so insecure and jealous of your accomplishments, but any consequences that befall them are well earned.
PJfanRI – NTA. They’re harassing you, plain and simple. If they lose their financial aid its because of their own actions, not yours. You should be proud of yourself for standing up to their bullying.
Ok_General_6940 – NTA at ALL. These men can’t stand having a competent woman around. I have worked in a male dominated field for over a decade and I want to commend you on standing up for yourself. This is bullshit you shouldn’t have to put up with and I’d start documenting everything.
I’d also go talk to that first professor 1:1 and ask them not to announce your grades publicly again. I had to do that in my undergrad, and it helped immensely. Good luck OP, don’t let these immature asshats chase you away from something you love.
redcore4 – NTA – if making a “silly joke” is enough to lose him his scholarship then perhaps he should think about whether it’s so “silly” after all. They know they’re harassing you. They’re expecting to get away with it. And they’re really being dealt with very gently here: in a lot of places that kind of behaviour, especially with it being done in front of staff, would get them suspended from their studies pending an investigation.
The guy who might lose his scholarship is trying to guilt trip you into changing your report instead of thinking about what he did and the consequences (to himself, if if he can’t manage to think what it does to you and your wellbeing) and amending his behaviour accordingly. So he’s indicating that he and his friends don’t feel any responsibility for their actions. That being the case, you should feel no responsibility for the consequences of showing others how they are behaving.
