AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?

What do you do when you’re stuck between keeping peace in the family and supporting your child’s relationship? In this story, a dad tells his daughter she can’t introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents because he knows they’ll react poorly.

He’s not against the relationship himself, but he’s worried about the fallout. Now, his daughter thinks he’s being unfair, and he’s left wondering: Did he handle the situation wrong?

‘AITA for telling my daughter she cannot introduce her African American boyfriend to her grandparents?’

Let me just preface this by saying this: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WITH INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS. Now that the air is clear, let me continue. My daughter (Anna) has recently started to date an African American man (Jamal). While I’m not exactly what you would refer to as “liberal”, he’s a nice young man and as long as my daughter is happy, I’m happy.

The problem is Anna is rather naive about the community she lives in. While her friends are quite content to see a relationship like hers, more than a few tongues are wagging in the community and a few people have privately expressed their concern to me. As I said, I have no problem with mixed relationships and I’ve set them straight, but I am painfully aware of how these matters are viewed by certain segments of the population.

My parents are planning to come and stay with us for a week and Anna expressed a desire to introduce Jamal to them now that things were getting more serious between them. I told her on no uncertain terms that this wasn’t going to happen. I may have no problem with Jamal, but they absolutely will, and even when the relationship ends they won’t forget it.

They might even go as far as to cut her off entirely. Anna was extremely upset by this and implied I was a racist and more concerned with what my parents think than how she feels. As I said, I know my parents. They simply aren’t okay with mixed relationships and if Anna were to bring Jamal over even as a friend, they would be furious both at her and me.

Anna is currently staying with Jamal and doesn’t want to speak with me right now. My wife stands by me given she knows very well how my parents are (they had a problem with her for months over the length of the skirt she wore when I introduced her to them, for christs sake), but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents. No advice needed, but I have to know. Have I been an ass?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

PublicIdea – YTA. Has it occurred to you to [edit: uncivil remark] and PROTECT your daughter from the racists you are supposedly so against? Anti racism isn’t popular in “the community” when you define that as white people of a certain age and class. It never has been and never will be. Dr King’s dream wasn’t to ask politely for people to be “not exactly liberal but okay”, then give up and abandon black people and their white partners to the wolves if they say no.

furious at both her and me

[edit: This is ultimately an avoidant desire.] You and the other white moderates are the jewel in their crown; they need to win your complicity before they expand their empire. You are the oil in their tanks; your [edit: uncivil adjective] actions fuel their advance. Do “your daughter” a favor and tell her you’ve chosen not to be a dad to her because it might affect your little popularity contest. She deserves to know the truth. Jamal deserves to know you place your little neighborhood pecking order above his safety and freedom, too.

Let’s hear from Dr. King about the white moderate: Letter from Birmingham Jail (excerpt) By Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., 16 April 1963

“First, I must confess that over the last few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro’s great stumbling block in the stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen’s Council-er or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate who is more devoted to “order” than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says “I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I can’t agree with your methods of direct action;” who paternalistically feels he can set the timetable for another man’s freedom; who lives by the myth of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait until a “more convenient season.”

Shallow understanding from people of goodwill is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.”

You’re not just “not liberal”, OP. You are the enemy of [edit: antiracists]. [edit: uncivil suggestion.] Be a [edit: swearing should probably go too, given the tone] DAD. Get your [attitude] together before you get someone seriously hurt with your wishy-washy bull[crap]. Be part of the solution or get out of the way. And might I add, your parents are who Dr. King meant by “White Citizen’s Council-er”. How many black people did they attack at soda fountains and city halls? How many have they intimidated out of their neighborhood? Have you even asked? Ball’s in your court, [TAH].

Xstitchpixels – YTA. Your daughter has nothing to hide and neither do you. If your parents love your daughter any less because of who she loves, then you and her do not need them in your lives.

wildcatfan9698 – YTA and sounds like your parents are assholes. Your daughter is dating Jamal and YOU are ok with him but you won’t introduce him to your parents. You’re still scared of Mommy and Daddy. Grow up, this isn’t about your parents it’s about your insecurity.

Reddit User – YTA. Your daughter’s happiness should come first. If your parents decide to cut her off, then it’s their loss not hers. She should be free to make her own decisions, and not have to hide who she is to anyone. I also respect that your actions are coming from a place of love, but this is your parents issue to get over not your daughters to hide.

Mac0491 – YTA – I get where you’re coming from but what is your plan if this relationship continues into the foreseeable future? Will her grandparents not be invited to the wedding? Will they never meet their mixed race great grandchildren? If your parents don’t take it well, then that’s their problem and you should stand up for your daughter.

but a close friend I confided in told me that I have behaved like an ass and that I needed to focus more on my daughter than pleasing my parents.

Keep that friend around. They know what they’re talking about.

milee30 – YTA for being more concerned about what some racist relatives and ignorant strangers think than your daughter’s feelings. This is part of why racism persists. You’re allowing the racists to control your – and your daughter’s behavior.

fudgeyboombah – OP, my grandparents feel as your parents do. If I turned up on the arm of a man who was literally anything other than white, it might literally induce an aneurysm in my horrifically racist grandmother. YTA. You don’t want your daughter to introduce her boyfriend to her grandparents because they will make your life difficult if she does.

I get it. It sucks when someone in the family is loudly unpleasant. But all that is needed for evil to prosper is for good people to say nothing. The world burns if you tolerate racism, even from your own parents.

This is a choice. You are literally picking a side. You have to pick one – there is no neutral territory here. Staying neutral is the same as siding with the racists. Telling your daughter to be silent and her boyfriend to be invisible is siding with the racists. You have to choose now – will you be on your daughter’s side, or your parents’? Whose battle line will you join? Because there is a battle coming one way or another. I suggest that you decide now, before the decision is made for you.

atypicalromantic – YTA — And yeah, racist. You care more about what other people will say about your daughter’s interracial relationship than you do about supporting your daughter. And if you can’t stand up to your own parents for the sake of your own kid? You’re double the asshole. Jesus. The heck is wrong with you?