AITA for refusing to give up opportunities that come my way for my sister's sake?

Imagine being 17, standing on the cusp of your future, the world buzzing with possibilities—college brochures scattered across your desk, an apprenticeship offer dangling like a golden ticket. Now picture your family yanking that ticket away, not because they doubt you, but because your success might cast a shadow on someone else’s struggles.

That’s the tightrope one Redditor’s been walking, caught between chasing her dreams and a family that insists she keeps her feet firmly on the ground—for her sister’s sake. Meet our protagonist, a high school senior with a sparkle in her eye and a resentment simmering in her heart.

Her older sister, Rita, battles a disability that’s clipped her wings, leaving her homebound and heartbroken over a high school diploma that slipped through her fingers. The parents? They’ve turned self-sacrifice into an Olympic sport, expecting their younger daughter to bench her ambitions so Rita doesn’t feel left behind. It’s a family saga dripping with emotion, and oh boy, do we have some thoughts to unpack!

‘AITA for refusing to give up opportunities that come my way for my sister’s sake?’

My older sister Rita (20f) is disabled. My sister’s disability comes with a lot of health issues and while mentally she’s capable, physically she cannot do much and struggles and struggled even with regular school. She never graduated highs school because she got so sick in senior year that it set her way back and she didn’t get the grades to graduate.

She was offered the chance to repeat but she said no because she was still really bad afterward. It’s something that causes her a lot of distress and she still cries because she feels like she failed in the worst way. Nobody can convince her differently. She doesn’t work and she doesn’t go to school or anything. She’s at home and gets taken care of by our parents.

I (17f) am still in school and I’m going into my senior year. There have been a lot of discussions about college or what other avenue I could go down. I was given information on this apprenticeship that could be perfect for me and my guidance counselor wanted me to give it consideration over the summer because they take high school graduates. It’s exciting.

Rita was super upset to hear I had so many options. And not for the first time my parents expected me to think of her before making decisions. They suggested I focus on looking at community colleges only or not going to college at all and going into retail or a service industry job. They told me I could afford my own place if I were to do that.

I didn’t get to go to camp because Rita couldn’t and they didn’t want me to have experiences she couldn’t. I wasn’t allowed to participate in school plays because Rita couldn’t participate in hers (my parents would actually stop my teachers from including me).

They refused to sign a permission slip that would have allowed me to enter a competition on behalf of my school, because Rita would never get to have an experience like that herself and they didn’t feel it was right for me to have it then. The permission slip came in because some travel might be involved *if* I were to go anywhere.

They pulled me out of art classes when I was young because I was doing super well and getting a lot of praise. My parents actually pressured me to ask if I could leave the classes. But they pulled me regardless. Rita would always get upset when I achieved something or got presented with a great opportunity.

She’d cry, ask me why I got everything and she got nothing. I felt bad for her but also resentful of the fact she was glad when our parents held me back. This became a fight when the college stuff came up again and my parents saw me looking up the apprenticeship and my parents asked me how I could even think about going and how selfish I would be.

They said I should aim for something lower for Rita’s sake. Rita heard us argue about it and she said she knows I’m too selfish to give it up for her. I told them I hated them for expecting me to. Rita and my parents said I had no sense of family loyalty at all.. AITA?

Navigating family dynamics when disability’s in the mix is like trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube blindfolded—it’s tricky, and someone’s bound to feel scrambled. The Redditor’s parents seem to think equality means holding everyone back, but that’s a logic loop even a sitcom dad would side-eye. Rita’s struggles are real, no doubt—her distress over not graduating is a gut punch. But pinning the younger sister’s future to that pain? That’s where the script goes off the rails.

Psychologist Dr. John Duffy, in an article from Psychology Today, nails it: “Parents sometimes overcompensate for one child’s challenges by limiting the other, but it’s a disservice to both.” Rita’s stuck in a pity spiral, and instead of helping her climb out—say, with therapy or adaptive programs—Mom and Dad are tossing their other kid into the pit too.

The stats back this up: a 2019 study from the National Institute of Mental Health found that 1 in 5 siblings of disabled kids face emotional strain from parental overprotection. Sound familiar? The bigger issue here is fairness gone feral. Rita’s not wrong to feel robbed—chronic illness steals a lot—but expecting her sister to trade her apprenticeship for a retail gig doesn’t refill Rita’s cup; it just spills everyone’s coffee.

Dr. Duffy’s take? “Healthy families lift all members up, not drag them down to match the lowest point.” The parents could pivot to supporting Rita’s own path—online courses, maybe?—instead of turning their younger daughter into a sacrificial mascot.

So, advice time: Redditor, grab that apprenticeship with both hands. Talk to your counselor about scholarships or loans (check out fafsa.gov for starters) and plot your escape hatch quietly—no need to wave the flag until you’re out the door. You’re not selfish; you’re surviving.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, and honestly, it’s a popcorn-worthy thread . From “this is emotional abuse” to “stop telling them your plans,” the consensus is loud: NTA—Not The Asshole. One user quipped, “What’s next, no wedding because Rita can’t have one?”—a jab so sharp it could cut through the family’s guilt trips. These hot takes are candid, hilarious, and oddly therapeutic, but do they mirror real life? Maybe it’s time to test the waters ourselves.

Square-Raspberry560 − NTA. You need to talk to a school counselor about what your options are as far as paying for college. Make yourself as independent from your parents as possible. You will need their information in order to get FAFSA, and it doesn’t seem like they’d be willing to support you in that, so you need to start looking at other options.

Your counselor should be able to help. Try to be as financially independent from them as possible; even if it means you don’t go to college right away and work for a while to save up, don’t be in a position to need their help. Try to make a plan so that when you graduate or turn 18, you can just leave and not have to rely on them.

Reach out to friends, family members, etc. You are not just as extension of your sister and while I’m sure your sister’s disability has been very hard on them and Rita, it’s not your fault. It’s also not your responsibility to be a self-sacrificing martyr so that Rita doesn’t get upset. You are a whole person with your own identity. Start planning now.

Also, is this a cultural thing?? Their reaction is severe and very odd. Edited to add: STOP TELLING THEM YOUR PLANS!! Lay low, talk to your school counselors, look into all the advice suggested here, but give your family no indication of what you are doing, so that when you are legally an adult and/or leave for college, move out, whatever your plan is, you can just leave and they can’t do anything to stop you or sabotage it.

diminishingpatience − NTA. This is appalling. my parents asked me how I could even think about going and how selfish I would be. You’re the only one who isn’t being selfish. They said I should aim for something lower for Rita’s sake.. They’re a disgrace. she said she knows I’m too selfish to give it up for her. For her!? Does she think that she could take your place? You’re the only sane one there.

MichaelKerk − NTA. But im sorry to say this, this sounds like emotional abuse. Try to talk to someone, maybe at school or a family member. They are forcing you to live your sisters life. But you have your own life. You are your own person. If they cannot see that, you need to leave that house as soon as possible.

Try to go low contact for a while as well until they apologise for what they have done. You are NOT being selfish for having your own life. Your sister is being selfish for denying you one. Your parents are being absolute aholes for forcing it on you.

[Reddit User] − NTA. While everybody has to make sacrifices when it comes to a loved one having a disability, you should not be expected to give up your entire life to accomodate what’s best for everyone else. It seems like your parents have already forced you to do that enough.

They deprived you of things you wanted out of it being “unfair” to your sister, when honestly it just seems like they wanted you to be her babysitter so they didn’t have to.
You owe nothing to them, you’ve already done enough and had enough taken from you. The manipulation isn’t going to stop unless you make it stop.

I know it’s a tough thing to do, but my advice would be to put your foot down and tell them you’re going to do the things you want to do. If you want to go for that apprenticeship, go for it. If you want to go away to college, do it. I would highly recommend it to you. It sounds like your family is trying to limit you so that they control your life. It’s your life, not theirs. You deserve to experience everything you want to

Scenarioing − Your parents are being completely ridiculous and irrational. It was bad enough they stifled your education and experience as a child, now they want to pressure you to do so as an adult? They want you you live a lifetime of mediocrity just to appease your sister. What next?

Don’t have a wedding and elope because sis will complain that she isn’t having one? Don’t have kids because it will make sis upset? Tell them that their years of appeasement enabled your sister’s insecurity rather than guiding her or getting her help with coping skills. That you are not going to surrender your entire life. NTA and take that apprenticeship. You will live in regret otherwise. Enough is enough.

SheiB123 − NTA. Your parents actually want you do to something LESS than you can so your sister isn’t hurt rather than trying to find things she CAN do? WOW….that is horrid . I would find a college, take out loans, and get out of the house as soon as possible. YOU are the only person who will look out for you so do the best you can.

ALSO make sure that your parents don’t expect you to take in your sister when they get older. THEY DO. TELL them you won’t!

Literally_Taken − Your family should wish for you to flourish and succeed. Depriving you of any opportunity your sister can’t have is abuse.Your parents are abusing you. It’s time you discussed their behavior with everyone who can help you: relatives, teachers, counselors, pastors, etc. Tell them what has happened in the past, and the decisions that are being made now.

Accept any help you can to get out of your parents’ house. Accept help that will enable you to take the opportunities that are best for you. You should have a great life ahead of you! I’m so sorry you’ll have to make it happen without the support of your parents. You are absolutely NTA

rckyshow − NTA….she was given the opportunity to make up her senior year and graduate. It is not your fault that she wasn’t allowed/couldn’t do certain things because of her physical limitations. Your parents are punishing you because your sister is jealous of your achievements. At this point, you need to do what’s right for you and for your future.

pamelaonthego − I’m trying to understand, your sacrifice wouldn’t improve her life one iota; so what’s the point?

Whew, what a rollercoaster—sibling rivalry, parental pressure, and a dash of teenage rebellion all stirred into one messy pot. Our Redditor’s not just fighting for an apprenticeship; she’s clawing back her right to a life uncluttered by someone else’s what-ifs.

It’s a bittersweet tale: Rita’s pain tugs at the heartstrings, but chaining her sister to that sorrow feels like a plot twist no one wins. So, readers, what’s your take? If you were in her shoes—facing family loyalty versus your own big break—what would you do? Drop your thoughts below; we’re all ears!

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