AITA for moving across the country and telling my daughter that they are the reason I am an “absent grandparent”?

Grandparenting is a role that comes with its unique set of expectations—and challenges. In this situation, a grandparent explains that he’s rarely been able to build a meaningful bond with his grandchildren, partly because his daughter has imposed strict limitations on what he can do with them. Frustrated after years of brief visits and even a minor car accident that led to a ban on driving with them, he reached a breaking point. When he brought up the sprinkler incident—where a bit of outdoor fun ruined the grass—and blamed his daughter for his “absent grandparent” status, it sparked a heated fight.

Now, facing the decision to move across the country near the Blue Mountains, he insists that his daughter is to blame for the distant relationship with her kids. But does he really have no responsibility for the situation?

‘AITA for moving across the country and telling my daughter that they are the reason I am an “absent grandparent”?’

Family therapist Dr. Elaine Marshall explains that effective grandparenting involves not only showing up but also adapting to the needs and boundaries of the family. While it’s understandable that grandparents might have different ideas about how much time to spend with young children, a proactive effort is key.

In this case, the grandparent’s consistent short visits and expressed disinterest in engaging activities suggest a lack of willingness to truly invest in a relationship with his grandchildren. His decision to leave may be more reflective of his own disengagement than solely the result of his daughter’s boundaries.

Dr. Marshall adds that parental boundaries are often established to protect children, particularly when a caregiver feels that a grandparent’s involvement might be more disruptive than beneficial. However, when a grandparent repeatedly uses these boundaries as an excuse to avoid making an effort, it can erode trust and closeness over time.

If the grandparent had attempted to work with his daughter on finding mutually acceptable ways to spend quality time with the kids—even if that meant adapting his own expectations—the relationship might have developed more positively.

Moreover, the incident with the sprinkler, while seemingly trivial, is symptomatic of a broader disconnect. Instead of using it as an opportunity to understand the daughter’s concerns and compromise, the grandparent chose to blame her entirely. This “all or nothing” attitude only deepens the divide.

Healthy family dynamics, as noted by relationship expert Dr. James Coleman, require a willingness to negotiate and empathize with each other’s perspectives. By shutting down the conversation with a blaming remark, he not only alienated his daughter but also distanced himself further from his grandchildren.

Ultimately, moving across the country to escape these tensions might provide temporary relief, but it won’t address the underlying issues. The responsibility for fostering a lasting, loving relationship with one’s grandchildren falls on the grandparent as well as the parent.

Instead of blaming his daughter entirely for his “absent grandparent” status, a more constructive approach would have been to acknowledge his own role and seek ways to engage more meaningfully with his grandchildren—even within the boundaries set by their immediate caregiver.

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While it’s clear that both sides have contributed to the strained relationship, the grandparent’s decision to blame his daughter for his “absent grandparent” status and then move away suggests a reluctance to take responsibility for his part. If you’re committed to being a present and engaged grandparent, you might consider finding creative ways to connect despite challenging family dynamics.

So, what do you think? Have you seen situations where a lack of effort from one side led to long-term family rifts? How might communication have been improved? Share your thoughts and experiences below.