AITA for calling my sister cruel for her tattoo idea?
Sibling relationships can be complex, especially when one child has a vastly different experience with their parents than the other. Some siblings grow up feeling loved and supported, while others feel like outsiders in their own families. When one finds that sense of belonging elsewhere, it can create tensions that linger for years.
This is the case for our Reddit OP (original poster), a 26-year-old man whose older sister, N, has always had a distant relationship with their parents—especially their mother. While OP never understood the reasons, it was clear that his sister found a maternal bond elsewhere: with her college professor. When this professor passed away, N was devastated, and now she wants to commemorate her memory with a tattoo.
OP, however, thinks this is cruel to their mother and told his sister as much. She didn’t take it well, and now he’s wondering—was he out of line, or was he just looking out for their mom?
‘AITA for calling my sister cruel for her tattoo idea?’
Expert Opinion:
The Psychology of Found Family and Grieving a Parental Figure
Grief is deeply personal, and how we choose to memorialize those we’ve lost is an important part of the healing process. However, OP’s reaction suggests something deeper than just concern for his mother—it highlights how family members often struggle to understand different lived experiences within the same household.
According to family therapist Dr. Lindsay Gibson, people who grow up feeling emotionally neglected by their parents often seek parental figures elsewhere. “Children who don’t receive the emotional validation they need from their parents frequently form strong attachments to mentors, teachers, or other adults who offer them that missing support,” she explains. “This isn’t a rejection of their biological parents—it’s a survival mechanism.”
From OP’s description, his sister never found the emotional support she needed from their mother. While OP had a fine relationship with their parents, N clearly didn’t, and rather than force a connection that wasn’t there, she bonded with someone who provided her with that missing maternal warmth.
Dr. Pauline Boss, an expert on ambiguous loss, also points out that grief isn’t just for biological family. “People mourn the relationships that shaped them, not just the ones they were born into. Disenfranchising someone’s grief—especially by making it about someone else—only deepens the wound.”
This suggests that OP’s intervention wasn’t just misguided—it was dismissive of his sister’s grief. Instead of supporting her through an incredibly painful time, he made it about their mother’s feelings, even though his sister’s tattoo was never meant to be a statement against their mom.
The Bigger Issue: Seeing the Full Picture
Beyond the grief, OP’s post suggests a classic case of sibling dynamics: the golden child vs. the scapegoat.
“Things are fine with me and my parents.” – OP repeatedly states that he doesn’t know why his sister is distant from their parents. This in itself suggests a level of privilege—he was treated well enough that he never had to question it. But just because he experienced love and support doesn’t mean his sister did. Many Redditors pointed out that OP was likely the “golden child,” while N was overlooked or expected to fend for herself.
“My mom was so embarrassed that day because she didn’t get N flowers.” – This is telling. A graduation is a major milestone, and yet their mother didn’t think to bring her own daughter flowers—something her professor did without hesitation. Rather than reflect on why N felt closer to her professor, OP’s mom focused on her own embarrassment. OP, in turn, seems to have internalized this and is now defending his mom’s hurt feelings instead of recognizing why his sister needed that support elsewhere.
“I was just being protective of my mom.” – OP’s instinct to protect his mother is understandable, but it’s misplaced. His sister isn’t getting a tattoo to spite anyone—she’s doing it because she lost someone she loved. If his mom is hurt by that, it’s her responsibility to reflect on why her daughter felt closer to another mother figure, not N’s job to hide her grief to make their mom more comfortable.
Lessons and Takeaways: What OP Can Learn From This
This story highlights an important reality in family dynamics—just because two siblings grow up in the same house doesn’t mean they have the same childhood. Here are a few key lessons from OP’s story:
- Your Experience Is Not the Only Experience – OP had a good relationship with his parents, but his sister didn’t. That doesn’t mean she’s wrong or dramatic—it means she lived a different reality that he needs to acknowledge.
- Grief Is Personal – People grieve in different ways. His sister isn’t trying to hurt anyone with her tattoo; she’s trying to honor someone who meant the world to her. Her grief isn’t about their mother, and making it about her is unfair.
- Stop Trying to Mediate Someone Else’s Relationship – OP’s sister and mother have their own issues, and it’s not OP’s place to dictate how they should feel or interact. He needs to let them navigate their own relationship.
- Apologize and Listen – If OP wants to mend things with his sister, he needs to stop defending their mom and start listening to N’s experiences. Instead of doubling down, he should acknowledge that he overstepped and genuinely try to understand where she’s coming from.
Here’s what some Reddit users thought about OP’s situation:
Many users pointed out the clear golden child/scapegoat dynamic and called OP out for failing to recognize how his sister’s experiences were different from his own. Others emphasized that his sister’s grief was not about their mom, and OP had no right to police how she chose to remember someone who was important to her.
Not every parent-child relationship is perfect, and sometimes, kids find the love and support they need outside of their biological families. OP’s sister wasn’t trying to be cruel—she was trying to honor someone who made her feel loved in a way that her own mother never did.
If OP wants to repair his relationship with his sister, he needs to shift his perspective, recognize that her experiences are valid, and support her healing process instead of making it about their mother’s feelings.
What do you think? Was OP just trying to protect his mom, or did he completely miss the point? Share your thoughts below!