AITA for “humiliating” my daughter for making her tell her relatives that she isn’t graduating and paying me back for the all rental stuff?

A graduation is supposed to be a celebration of achievement and new beginnings, but sometimes reality takes an unexpected detour. In this case, what was meant to be a joyous occasion quickly transformed into a dramatic family debacle.

The plan was meticulously laid out for months—a graduation party with carefully chosen invites and travel arrangements made by eager relatives. However, the revelation that the daughter isn’t actually graduating sent shockwaves through the family, leaving everyone to grapple with sudden financial and emotional consequences.

The fallout from this revelation has left a bitter taste. The daughter’s decision to withhold the truth for months not only disrupted the planned celebration but also forced her to confront the repercussions head-on. Faced with the daunting task of calling every relative and arranging reimbursements for non-refundable expenses, the situation spirals into a confrontation about accountability, trust, and the proper way to face one’s mistakes.

‘AITA for “humiliating” my daughter for making her tell her relatives that she isn’t graduating and paying me back for the all rental stuff?’

My daughter was suppose to graduate college this semester. We have been talking about her graduation party for basically 7 months. What she wanted to do and who to invite. We have already sent out the invites and multiple relatives have booked flights to come up. The issues is my daughter isn’t graduating.

She lied to everyone for at least 4 months. She failed a class she need to graduate last semester and didn’t inform anyone. She told us this yesterday, the party is in about a month, everything has been paid for already. So I informed her she needs to call all her relatives and explain the situation.

If they can’t get a refund for their flights I expect her to offer to pay them back. I also informed her she needs to pay back the rental price since I can’t get a refund for some stuff. This resulted in a huge argument and she is calling me a jerk for humilating her. I explained that it is her fault and if she informed us months ago this wouldn’t be happening. My husband thinks I am being a bit harsh but is sticking with me.

Letting a significant family milestone be derailed by concealed mistakes can be deeply unsettling. When expectations are shattered, emotions run high, and what remains is the need to re-establish trust and take responsibility.

In this instance, the parent’s demand that the daughter personally explain the situation to every relative is not just about mending financial mishaps—it’s about confronting the breach of trust head-on. The approach, though seemingly harsh, is rooted in the idea of accountability for one’s actions.

This situation underscores the importance of honest communication in family relationships. By failing to disclose the truth earlier, the daughter inadvertently created a domino effect of challenges. Every lie has consequences, and when these extend into the realm of family events and financial commitments, the resulting fallout can be overwhelming.

This incident is a stark reminder of how crucial it is to communicate difficult truths promptly to avoid compounded issues later. According to parenting expert Dr. Laura Markham, “When parents respond to mistakes with empathy and clear boundaries rather than shame, children learn to take responsibility without feeling permanently diminished.”

Her insight reinforces the idea that while accountability is necessary, it should be balanced with understanding to avoid inflicting long-term emotional wounds. The emphasis here is on guiding young adults through their missteps with a view toward personal growth and improved future decision-making.

Moving beyond the immediate family fallout, this scenario reflects a broader societal challenge: managing personal failures in a way that preserves dignity. In many modern families, the pressure to meet external expectations often leads to poor decision-making, driven by fear of disappointing loved ones.

This case is a microcosm of how societal pressures and personal insecurities can lead to significant personal and financial complications when the truth is withheld. It also highlights the need for systems that support honest dialogues even when the news isn’t positive.

Ultimately, the lessons from this incident extend beyond the immediate financial burdens or family disputes. They point to a larger conversation about accountability, growth, and the role of transparent communication in maintaining healthy relationships.

While the parent’s decision to demand repayment and public acknowledgment of the mistake may seem severe, it reflects a desire to enforce a lesson that the consequences of dishonesty are far-reaching. As families navigate these complex dynamics, the focus should remain on fostering an environment where mistakes lead to constructive change rather than lingering resentment.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Here are some of the candid, and at times humorous, hot takes from the Reddit community. The comments range from pragmatic support for the parent’s stance to sympathetic advice for the daughter.

The consensus appears to be that while the daughter should be held accountable, the approach might benefit from a touch more empathy. After all, mistakes are part of growing up, and sometimes the best lessons come from honest conversations rather than public humiliation.

Milskidasith −  INFO: How did she lie about her graduation plans? Did she insist on the graduation party, or is this something you were throwing her? Was the size of the party at her insistence? Did she drop the class and know she wouldn’t graduate, or was she doing poorly but thought she could salvage it by the final?

Is this a class that’s relatively common to fail and make up? Is it only one class? I ask because in my experience, there were a pretty good amount of people who dropped/failed Kinetics and took it over the summer, and it wasn’t a huge issue except for them starting their career 3-4 months later, and those people were more-or-less treated like they were going to graduate by most of the other students.

 How much money does your daughter make and how much money are you talking about for all of this? By the way you’re describing it, you expect her to pay back multiple thousands of dollars for people’s trips and for the party, which is… implausible for a college student who didn’t graduate and may have student debt.

makethatnoise −  info: how often is this class offered? if she failed it last semester could she have taken it this semester to graduate? if it’s ONE class that’s holding her graduation back, could she have had the party, and taken the class over the summer? seems like a big waste to loss on travel plans, deposits, rentals for one class.

she’s TA for not telling you, but seeing how big of a deal you made this graduation party, and how you’re reacting to the news, I can tell why she was scared to talk about this (although the longer you wait, the worse it is to tell)

LadyM80 −  I’m abstaining from voting because I’m too biased. I was a version of your daughter at one point in my life. I didn’t tell my parents I didn’t graduate because I knew it was going to be a wretched scene. I couldn’t communicate with my family. Whenever I tried, I just couldn’t make it work. It became easier to lie than damage relationships even more than they were.

Your daughter is embarrassed, probably, and this got out of hand. Having her go through the humiliating punishment you handed out isn’t going to change one single thing about her graduation status, but it is probably making your daughter regret being honest with you. It’s of course your money and your decision what you do, but this is going to leave a deep wound in your relationship with your daughter if you follow through.

JMellor737 −  This is one of the those situations where, as a parent, you need to accept that you’re right, but that youthful inexperience and insecurity are taking a toll on your daughter, so it is better to focus on being supportive than right. Going forward with your plan will likely damage your relationship with your daughter long-term.

So yeah, technically, you’re “right,” but it just doesn’t seem worth it. It doesn’t seem like she was lying for greed or to hide infidelity or something. She’s embarrassed about failing. She feels humiliated. That’s an important distinction. Tell the relatives that if they can’t or don’t want a refund, you’d love to have them for a great summer family party.

Just change the focus. Maybe even find something else to celebrate about your daughter. Forcing her to pay all that money seems untenable for someone in her position. If it were me, I’d tell my brother to come anyway and bring his kids. Let’s just all go to a baseball game together. Whatever. Spending time with family is its own reason.

Your daughter’s punishment for failing and lying about it is that she will not get the big graduation party she dreamed of. Your immediate family can take her out to dinner instead. She should be able to accept that and take it as a lesson.

Use this moment to teach her that hiding from the truth, even a painful truth, is never a good idea, and also tell her she does not need to be embarrassed about failing because her whole family loves and supports her anyway. She needs to take the consequence for what she did (i.e., she doesn’t get a graduation party), but punishing and humiliating her at a very vulnerable moment in her life will do no good.

And it may hurt her enough that even when she does graduate, she won’t even feel proud because the whole experience will be tainted. Graduating from college, even if it takes extra time, is still a huge accomplishment and she should be able to feel pride when that day comes next year. 

Apart-Ad-6518 −  NTA ‘The issues is my daughter isn’t graduating. She lied to everyone for at least 4 months. She failed a class she need to graduate last semester and didn’t inform anyone” She had plenty of time to let you know. This was totally avoidable. The consequences of not doing so are that she has to let people know & repay if they’re out of pocket.”

cb1977007 −  NTA. I knew personal responsibility was unpopular on Reddit but, man, I don’t know what is going on with all the people straining to come up with reasons this adult should not have to engage with the consequences of a) failing and b) lying about it. Unreal.

otsukaren_613 −  NTA. She’s not the first kid to fail out one class at the last semester. She’s what… 21? 22? I would expect this kind of behavior from a high school kid that got in trouble for drinking. She’s too old for that now.

She could have just told you she needed to take a summer class first, or just one more semester before you did the party. She didn’t have to lie. It’s important she gets this NOW, before she enters into the workforce thinking she can pull this crap.

uberprodude −  NTA. I’ve been in your daughters shoes of having to tell my parents that I’m not going to graduate, so I can definitely sympathise with her but at the end of the day, she brought this upon herself by seemingly focusing more on planning the party than on her studies.

I’d argue it’s even in her best interest to call everyone individually. If you go ahead with the party and it comes out that she isn’t graduating she’ll have an EXTREMELY public humiliation that would likely cause a lot of anger too. If anyone humiliated her it is herself.

TalkieTina −  Info: If she’s graduating in December and has met all requirements for graduation but that one class, why cancel the party at all? Many people won’t be able to attend a party during the holiday season, anyway. If it were my daughter and my situation, I think I’d let people know that under the circumstances, you’ve decided to have the party anyway.

Unique-Assumption619 −  YTA Plenty of students walk in May and then take their last course over the summer or Fall. You are going out of your way to humiliate her further when the fact is, you don’t have to. She has passed so many other courses over her time in college and has accomplished much more than others who try and ACTUALLY fail out.

Sure she should’ve told you but my guess is you aren’t a safe person for her to talk to and she was afraid of your revenge. Because that’s what this is, revenge. Public shame and humiliation is never the answer, especially for your child who you’re supposed to love and support, even when they f**k up.

In conclusion, this graduation debacle serves as a complex case study in accountability, communication, and the harsh realities of unmet expectations. While enforcing the consequences of dishonesty may seem necessary to uphold trust, it also raises important questions about how we support young adults when they falter.

How do we balance the need for accountability with the importance of compassion? What strategies can families employ to ensure mistakes become opportunities for growth rather than sources of long-term conflict? Share your thoughts and experiences—what would you do in a similar situation?