AITA for telling my daughter she is being selfish and that she needs to take an uber since I am not leaving her older brothers wedding?

Family events can bring joy—and sometimes a fair share of tension. In this story, a parent finds herself in a challenging bind when her 19-year-old daughter, Shelly, struggles with severe anxiety at her older brother’s wedding. Despite Shelly’s long history with anxiety and past therapy, her refusal to drive or manage crowded events has led to a conflict. The parent, determined not to disrupt her son’s special day, insists on a firm boundary: Shelly must take an Uber if she can’t cope. This stance highlights the difficult balance between compassion and enforcing responsibility.

The situation is both poignant and relatable, illustrating how family obligations can clash with personal mental health battles. With weddings meant to be celebratory, sometimes real-life challenges force us to set boundaries—even when it stings. In the end, this tale isn’t just about a single event; it’s a glimpse into the growing pains of adulthood and the journey toward managing anxiety with independence.

‘AITA for telling my daughter she is being selfish and that she needs to take an uber since I am not leaving her older brothers wedding?’

Before we dive deeper into the discussion, here’s the original Reddit post that ignited the debate:

Balancing individual needs with family expectations can be challenging, especially when mental health is involved. The OP’s daughter, Shelly, suffers from severe anxiety that prevents her from driving and makes social gatherings overwhelming. While Shelly’s struggles are valid, her demand that her mother leave her brother’s wedding to accommodate her anxiety raises questions about personal responsibility, coping mechanisms, and the boundaries between accommodating mental health needs and enabling unhealthy behaviors.

Mental health advocate and author Dr. Bessel van der Kolk emphasizes the importance of understanding and validating the experiences of individuals struggling with anxiety. “Anxiety is not a choice, and it can significantly impact a person’s ability to function in daily life,” he states. “Creating a supportive environment and providing access to resources and coping mechanisms are crucial for managing anxiety and improving overall well-being.”

Dr. van der Kolk’s perspective highlights the need for empathy and understanding towards Shelly’s struggles. While her demands may seem unreasonable, it’s important to acknowledge the underlying anxiety that drives her behavior.

However, it’s also important to address the potential for enabling behaviors that perpetuate unhealthy patterns. The OP’s initial willingness to accommodate Shelly’s anxiety by offering to leave the wedding may have inadvertently reinforced the idea that her anxiety absolves her from personal responsibility and social expectations.

As therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab suggests, “Setting healthy boundaries involves communicating expectations clearly and consistently, even when it’s difficult.” This highlights the need for the OP to establish clear boundaries with Shelly, encouraging her to seek professional help and develop coping mechanisms for managing her anxiety in social situations.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community—raw, candid, and sprinkled with humor. Many commenters defended the parent’s decision, arguing that Shelly, as an adult, must start taking responsibility for her anxiety rather than relying on others to fix her problems. They pointed out that while anxiety is real and challenging, setting boundaries is crucial for personal growth.

The community consensus echoes a call for self-reliance and a reminder that sometimes tough love is necessary for long-term well-being.

In conclusion, this story shines a light on the delicate interplay between compassion and accountability in family dynamics. While anxiety is a formidable challenge, the path to independence often requires facing discomfort head-on.

The parent’s decision to enforce a boundary at a significant family event isn’t about diminishing Shelly’s struggles—it’s about encouraging her to take charge of her own mental health journey. What do you think? How should families balance empathy with the need for personal growth when it comes to managing anxiety? Share your thoughts and experiences—your insights could help others navigate similar challenges.