AITA I don’t want to take over care for my husband’s special needs nephew?
When family expectations clash with personal boundaries, the resulting conflict can feel overwhelming. Our OP, a 24‑year‑old woman, shares her struggle over an expectation placed on her and her husband—to take over the care of his special needs nephew when his aging parents are no longer able. While her husband is on board with the idea (largely because he’s never been involved in any of the caregiving for their own children), OP finds herself increasingly irritated.
The nephew, now 16, is nonverbal, requires constant care for hygiene, and is entirely dependent on others for basic needs. What infuriates her further is the backstory: due to pressure from her in-laws and a series of unfortunate custody decisions (involving the nephew’s mother, deemed “clinically crazy”), his father gave up custody when the boy was only 2.
OP now faces the daunting prospect of potentially taking on a lifelong responsibility that she never asked for, while she’s already focused on raising her own kids to eventually stand on their own. She wonders if she’s the asshole for not wanting to “raise an adult” forever alongside her family.
‘AITA I don’t want to take over care for my husband’s special needs nephew?’
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist known for her work on family dynamics and personal boundaries, states,
“When someone is expected to take on additional caregiving responsibilities—especially when it involves a person with special needs—it’s critical to consider the emotional and practical impact. If that expectation wasn’t mutually agreed upon and falls on one person disproportionately, it’s a legitimate reason to push back. It’s not just about compassion; it’s about ensuring that you’re not overextending yourself to the detriment of your own family’s well-being.” (kidshealth.org)
Family therapist Dr. Susan Johnson adds, “Family caregiving can be incredibly demanding and should be a shared responsibility if possible. When one partner feels that the burden of care is unfairly placed on them—especially if it affects their ability to care for their own children—it’s a significant stressor that can lead to long-term resentment. Boundaries are essential in maintaining healthy family relationships, and refusing to take on a role that you never agreed to is a reasonable stance.
It’s important for couples to discuss these expectations well in advance, so both parties feel supported and not overwhelmed by unforeseen responsibilities.” Both experts agree that while family obligations are important, they should not come at the cost of one’s own mental health or the well-being of one’s immediate family. When the expectations placed on an individual are disproportionate, setting firm boundaries is not only justified—it’s necessary for preserving healthy relationships.
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
Many redditors empathize with OP, noting that caregiving for a special needs family member is a heavy, lifelong commitment. “If you never agreed to take on that responsibility, you’re not an asshole for saying no,” one commenter remarked.
Ultimately, OP’s refusal to take over the care of her husband’s special needs nephew is a stance rooted in self-preservation and practicality. While family obligations are important, they should not come at the expense of your own well-being or your ability to care for your children. The expectation that she should suddenly assume full-time caregiving for another family member—especially when that burden was not equally shared—is unreasonable.
Do you believe it’s fair to expect one person to bear the burden of additional caregiving responsibilities without mutual agreement? Or should family members step up together to share such responsibilities? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—what would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation?