AITAH for having an affair with my girlfriend since she said ‘we are just friends’?

In modern relationships, the line between being “just friends” and being in an exclusive partnership can sometimes blur into a confusing gray area. In this story, a 28-year-old man had been seeing Amanda for over a year.

Although they spent time together, lived together, and shared intimate moments, Amanda continually insisted that they were “just friends” whenever he tried to make things official. This ambiguity became unbearable for him over time, leading him to believe that the absence of a commitment meant he was free to explore other options.

One evening at a bar, he met Lisa—an outgoing woman who embraced a more promiscuous lifestyle. Believing that his relationship with Amanda was non-exclusive, he brought Lisa home. When Amanda walked in on them, the fallout was immediate and intense.

After days of silent treatment and groveling on his part, Amanda finally agreed to be his “official” girlfriend. But even six months later, the repercussions of that moment still echo. Does his decision to hook up with Lisa make him the asshole, or was it a justified reaction to an ambiguous, unbalanced arrangement?

‘AITAH for having an affair with my girlfriend since she said ‘we are just friends’?’

Relationship experts emphasize that clarity and mutual understanding are fundamental to any healthy partnership. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, explains, “When partners do not share the same expectations, especially regarding exclusivity, it creates a breeding ground for resentment and hurt feelings.” [​] In this case, the lack of clear communication led to a situation where one partner felt justified in seeking validation elsewhere.

Moreover, experts argue that if a relationship is important, both parties must actively work to define and uphold its boundaries. The man’s decision to introduce Lisa into the equation, while it may have been driven by emotional pain, underscores the critical need for partners to discuss their expectations openly. When one partner continuously downplays the commitment, it sends a clear signal that mutual respect is missing. The fallout here is less about infidelity in the traditional sense and more about the breakdown of communication and mutual trust.

Dr. Gottman also notes that decisions made under emotional duress often have long-term consequences that extend beyond the initial hurt. “When a partner resorts to actions that test the limits of exclusivity, it often reflects deeper issues of insecurity and unmet needs within the relationship,” he says. [​] His perspective reminds us that true partnership is built on shared goals and mutual respect—a balance that was clearly missing in this scenario.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

The Reddit community’s reactions to this post were mixed but leaned toward supporting his decision. Many users felt that after a year of ambiguous commitment, he was justified in exploring his options. They argued that if Amanda truly wanted a partnership, she would have acknowledged it without delay. Others, however, criticized him for not showing enough respect by involving another person in the shared home environment.

The consensus seems to be that the real issue isn’t the hookup itself but the ongoing lack of clarity and commitment in their relationship. Comments ranged from supportive “You deserve to be with someone who’s all in” to more critical voices suggesting that he should have addressed the issues directly without testing her resolve in such a hurtful way.

At the heart of this story lies a critical lesson about communication and commitment. While labels can sometimes obscure the true nature of a relationship, it’s clear that mutual understanding and respect are essential for any long-term partnership.

His decision to bring Lisa home might have been a reaction to feeling marginalized, but it also underscores the importance of clearly defining relationship boundaries from the start. How do you think couples should navigate ambiguous relationship statuses? Have you ever faced a situation where expectations were unclear? Share your experiences and thoughts below—your insights might help others find clarity in similar situations.