AITA for telling my daughter that she's getting what she deserves?

Some relationships are naturally complicated, but when one person spends years tearing another down, can they really expect forgiveness when it suits them?

This is the dilemma one father faced when his estranged daughter demanded an invite to her stepsister’s wedding, despite years of cruelty and bullying. Now, the wronged stepsister has moved on—but the daughter insists that it’s time to “let bygones be bygones”.

When the father refused to push for reconciliation, his daughter accused him of being a bad parent. But is he really in the wrong for saying she made her bed and now has to lay in it?

‘AITA for telling my daughter that she’s getting what she deserves?

Expert Analysis:

Why Some Wounds Can’t Be Healed

One of the biggest misconceptions about childhood bullying is that it just “happens” and can be easily forgotten. But research from the American Psychological Association (APA) shows that long-term emotional distress is common for victims, even when the bullying stops.

According to Dr. Susan Swearer, an expert in childhood aggression at the University of Nebraska, victims of bullying often experience:

Long-term anxiety and trust issues, making it difficult to build new relationships.
Emotional detachment, especially when the bully never genuinely acknowledges the harm they caused.
A desire for self-preservation, meaning they cut ties with toxic individuals instead of seeking closure.

Johanna’s refusal to rekindle a relationship isn’t surprising—she isn’t holding a grudge, she’s setting a healthy boundary.

Forgiveness vs. Accountability

Forgiveness is a personal choice, not an obligation. Dr. Robert Enright, a leading researcher on forgiveness at the University of Wisconsin, emphasizes that true reconciliation requires deep remorse, accountability, and consistent effort to repair the relationship.

In this case, Allie is skipping past the self-reflection and accountability phase and expecting instant forgiveness. But without genuine efforts to make amends, can she really expect a fresh start?

How to Move Forward: Practical Solutions for Family Healing

1. Acknowledge the Past, Don’t Ignore It

Allie wants a clean slate, but healing begins with accountability. A genuine apology isn’t just saying “sorry”—it means:

Taking ownership of past behavior.
Acknowledging how much harm was caused.
Asking Johanna what she needs to feel safe and respected.

2. Understand That Forgiveness Isn’t Guaranteed

Instead of demanding forgiveness, Allie should accept that Johanna has the right to walk away. A heartfelt letter expressing remorse—without expecting a response—would be a step in the right direction.

3. Respect Boundaries and Give It Time

Forcing a relationship won’t fix things overnight. If Allie truly values reconnecting, she must:

Respect Johanna’s decision and not pressure her.
Show, not just say, that she has changed by being kinder and more understanding.
Allow time for trust to rebuild naturally, rather than expecting an instant invite to the wedding.