AITA for refusing to cater for my sister’s wedding after she ghosted me for five years?
Family relationships can be complicated, especially when past hurts and unresolved grievances come back to haunt us at the most unexpected times. Our OP, a 33‑year‑old professional chef with his own upscale restaurant, shares his story of deep disappointment. Once close with his younger sister, they became estranged five years ago over what he considered a minor issue—a prized book lent out without his permission, which returned in poor condition.
For years, his sister ghosted him, and any attempts at reconciliation were met with silence. Fast forward to three weeks ago, when his sister suddenly contacted him to ask for a favor: she was getting married and wanted him to cater her wedding for free, complete with a specialized gourmet menu to impress her cosmopolitan guest list.
For someone who’s built his career—and his reputation—on hard work and dedication, her request felt like a slap in the face. Despite being happy for her nuptials, he couldn’t help but feel that after five years of being ignored, expecting him to pour his time, money, and expertise into her event without compensation was incredibly selfish. Now, with his parents urging him to forgive her and maintain family ties, he’s left questioning whether his decision to refuse her request makes him the asshole.
‘AITA for refusing to cater for my sister’s wedding after she ghosted me for five years?’
Navigating family conflicts, especially when they involve longstanding emotional wounds and financial requests, is never straightforward. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist known for her expertise on family dynamics and boundaries, explains,
“When one family member re-enters your life solely to ask for a favor—especially after a long period of silence—it’s understandable to feel exploited. Your personal and professional investments are yours to protect, and it’s important to set boundaries even with family.” (kidshealth.org)
Dr. Durvasula further emphasizes that forgiveness and reconciliation are deeply personal processes and that it is perfectly acceptable to withhold support if one feels their past pain is being trivialized by a call for free labor. “Financial and emotional boundaries exist for a reason,” she adds. “When those boundaries are crossed—particularly by a family member who has previously shown disregard for your feelings—it can trigger justified anger and a sense of betrayal.”
Family therapist Dr. Susan Johnson also weighs in, noting, “In cases where there’s a history of neglect or abandonment, the sudden reappearance for an expensive favor can feel manipulative. It’s not necessarily about holding a grudge; it’s about protecting one’s self-worth and hard-earned resources.” Dr. Johnson advises that while counseling or mediation might help heal old wounds,
it’s important for individuals to honor their own needs first. In this case, the OP’s decision to refuse to cater his sister’s wedding for free is a form of self‑preservation—a clear boundary that he’s unwilling to let slide simply because family ties call for unconditional forgiveness.
Check out how the community responded:
Many redditors empathize with the OP, arguing that after five years of being ghosted, it’s perfectly reasonable not to feel obligated to perform an expensive favor for a family member who reappears only when they need something. “You earned your success—you’re not an ATM for your sister,” one commenter noted.
In the end, the OP’s decision to refuse to cater his sister’s wedding for free—after five years of estrangement—stems from a deep sense of hurt and self‑preservation. While some may argue that time should heal all wounds, many agree that personal and professional boundaries are essential.
When a family member reappears solely for a favor, it’s fair to expect compensation for your hard work. Do you think family obligations should ever override the need to protect your own resources, or is it reasonable to stand firm on your professional worth? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—what would you do if you found yourself in a similar predicament?