AITAH for telling my husband that our marriage is over because he asked for a paternity test?

During a casual Friday evening drink, the conversation took an unexpected turn when their 17-year-old son asked for technical help with his gaming PC—a simple, everyday request from a mom who is used to being the family tech support. Her husband, however, became agitated and stormed off, claiming that his “relax time” had been ruined.

That offhand comment was quickly forgotten by her until that evening, when he revealed a secret that had been hidden for years: in his previous relationship, after a miscarriage, tests revealed he was infertile. He then asserted that their son couldn’t be his and demanded a paternity test.

The conversation left her feeling as if her entire life had been based on lies, and now she must face the reality that the man she loved might not be the father of her child.

‘AITAH for telling my husband that our marriage is over because he asked for a paternity test?’

 I 52(F) have been married to my husband for 24 years, together for 30 years. It hasn’t always been roses but we had a lot of fun. Yesterday we were having a Friday evening drink to relax and our son (17) asked for help with his gaming PC. I’m the tech so I tried to give advice, my husband got pissy and stormed off saying that his relax time was ruined.

I thought he was being childish and pretty much ignored him. This evening he told me that in a previous relationship, his partner had a miscarriage and in the investigation they found he was infertile and so she had been cheating. This is news to me.

Yeah we had been together 12 years before I conceived, I have never cheated on him, I always thought the problem had been mine. He says that our son is not his and he wants a DNA test. I agreed because I never cheated on him ever. I said our marriage was over because of this, said he knew I would react this way and I am a lying AH.
My heart is broken, reddit, am I TA?

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, explains, “When a partner’s past actions—especially those that directly affect the foundation of a relationship—are revealed, the ensuing betrayal can be overwhelming. In cases where long-term trust is broken by revelations about infidelity or deception regarding parenthood, it is completely understandable for the aggrieved partner to feel that the relationship is irreparable.”

She continues, “While a paternity test might be seen as a way to clear the air, if it comes with the accusation that a child isn’t your own, it inflicts a wound that goes far deeper than a simple test can resolve. The emotional damage often extends to years of hidden pain and resentment.”

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman adds, “In long-term relationships, particularly those spanning multiple decades, the revelation of a hidden secret can act as a tipping point. If one partner is confronted with the idea that the child they raised may not be biologically theirs, the emotional fallout can be immense. The decision to end the marriage, in this case, is a powerful assertion of self-respect and the need to protect oneself from further harm.”

Both experts agree that while such decisions are painful and complex, the need to reclaim trust and self-worth sometimes necessitates a decisive break, even when it means ending a long-term relationship.

Check out how the community responded:

Several redditors expressed strong support, with one user writing, “After 30 years together, discovering something this fundamental is devastating. You’re not the asshole for choosing to protect your emotional well-being after being betrayed.”

Another group shared personal stories of shattered trust, commenting, “I’ve been in relationships where hidden secrets came to light, and it left scars that never healed. Your reaction, though extreme, is completely understandable given the circumstances.”

Far-Juggernaut8880 −  Why did he wait 17 years to ask for a paternity test… to me that is the real question

Utter_cockwomble −  Infertile isn’t sterile. There is always a possibility, a low one but still, of natural conception.

Few_Requirement_3879 −  Infertility means difficulty getting pregnant/ getting someone pregnant/ staying pregnant, not that it’s impossible. Plenty of people who are infertile are still able to have biological kids, it’s just usually harder and takes longer.

Did he just find out the thing about his ex, or is this something that he’s known for over 30 years and just now decided to bring it up? Because if it’s the latter, he’s just using it as an excuse to get you to divorce him so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

Ok-Pomegranate-3018 −  So, his former had a miscarriage and there was an investigation? There weren’t/aren’t investigations into the sperm of the Father when the Mother miscarries. I’m calling b**lshit in this story. There is either way more to it or, he is up to something.

Specialist_Sand_1553 −  Wow, this blew up. with a lot of comments on both sides, a lot of great and heartbreaking stories. Thank you everybody for commenting, I needed to be part of a community last night. Next Update: I messaged his ex and she said that absolutely none of what he said was true.

I can’t imagine that she would have any reason to lie to me, she doesn’t have anything to gain from that and she lives 5K miles away so they aren’t having an affair behind my back 🙂 He is currently locked into the guest room and is messaging me on WhatsApp. He said that he only asked a question and that I am weaponizing this question and it is all my fault.

Holiday_Horse3100 −  Saying he knew this is how you would react says that this may be a deliberate effort to get out of the marriage. He may have another woman, he may want something different or he is just being an AH.

Sebscreen −  NTA. If he believed he was infertile, why did he try for a kid with you without sharing that for 12 years? Then why did he wait another 17 years after your son was born to verbalise that he thinks it isn’t his kid?

Elegant-Channel351 −  NTA-I would do the test to shut him up. Is this a new assertion from him? Is he having some kind of mental crisis? This seems out of left field.

arsed_Time_6969 −  NTA. The elephant in the room. He knew he was infertile and let you think it was you. For years. And years. Then he pulls this s**t now? And this is the love of your life? F**k me, he must s**t candy or something.

omg_pwnies −  NTA. together for 30 years If he doesn’t trust you now, I don’t think he’s ever going to trust you. And that’s a him problem; it isn’t your problem to solve.
I always recommend marriage counseling, individual counseling, etc., but I fear this may be a lost cause. I’m sorry this is happening – best of luck to you.

Ultimately, your decision to end the marriage because of the demand for a paternity test and the accompanying revelations is a profoundly personal one. While it’s a difficult choice to make after 30 years together, the breach of trust and the shock of learning about his hidden past are wounds that may be too deep to heal.

This case forces us to consider: How do we balance the love and history we share with our partners against the need for absolute honesty and trust? Is it ever acceptable to end a long-term relationship because of a single, albeit deeply damaging, revelation?

What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Have you ever had to make a heart-wrenching decision based on a betrayal that shook the foundation of your relationship? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others navigate the painful crossroads between forgiveness and self-preservation.