AITAH for giving my boyfriend of 6 years an ultimatum?
Sometimes, even the most stable relationships can reach a tipping point over something as seemingly simple as an engagement proposal. Our OP, a 24‑year‑old woman, has been with her boyfriend since they were 18, and together for over six years. They’ve built a life that includes sharing finances, planning a future together, and even putting a deposit on a house.
Despite all this, there’s one issue that has been gnawing at her: her boyfriend’s continual reluctance to propose. After promising for two years that he would propose once she finished university, the waiting game has grown unbearable. Now, she’s issued an ultimatum—either he proposes by the end of the year, or she’s prepared to walk away from the relationship.
The tension here is palpable. What began as gentle, hopeful anticipation has escalated into a demand for clarity about their future. Her boyfriend insists he wants to marry her and build a family, yet every time she asks him to pinpoint the obstacle, he merely shrugs and says he “doesn’t know.” Feeling desperate and emotionally drained by endless delays, the OP is left wondering: am I the asshole for giving him an ultimatum in a relationship that otherwise seems solid?
‘AITAH for giving my boyfriend of 6 years an ultimatum?’
Letting relationship frustrations culminate in an ultimatum is rarely an easy decision, but sometimes it becomes necessary for self‑preservation. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist known for her work on relationship dynamics, states, “When one partner consistently delays commitments without clear reasons, it can erode the emotional foundation of the relationship. In these cases, setting firm boundaries is essential.” ([kidshealth.org])
In the OP’s situation, her repeated requests for a proposal were met with vague reassurances rather than concrete plans, leaving her feeling undervalued and uncertain about the future. Dr. Durvasula emphasizes that “a relationship thrives on mutual respect and clear communication about future expectations.
If one partner is unwilling or unable to commit, it’s a valid reason for the other to demand clarity—even if that means issuing an ultimatum.” Her insights suggest that the OP’s feelings are legitimate; after years of deferred promises, her need for security and acknowledgment of her role in planning a shared future has reached a critical point.
Family therapist Dr. Susan Johnson adds, “When both partners share responsibilities and dreams, any delay in fulfilling key relationship milestones can lead to built‑up resentment. It’s important to address these issues head‑on rather than letting them simmer over time.” In this case, the OP’s ultimatum wasn’t about coercion but about asserting her right to a clear future.
While her boyfriend may genuinely want to marry her, his failure to commit to a timeline has left her feeling emotionally stranded. Moreover, financial and future planning experts note that major life decisions like marriage should be accompanied by transparent discussions about shared goals. The OP’s narrative underscores that despite the relationship’s strengths—such as shared finances,
family holidays, and future planning—critical issues like commitment cannot be ignored indefinitely. When one partner’s indecision continuously delays important milestones, the impact on the other partner’s emotional well‑being is significant and merits a decisive response.
Thus, while issuing an ultimatum can be seen as drastic, it is sometimes the only way for a partner to reclaim their sense of security and ensure that their needs are met in a long‑term commitment.
Check out how the community responded:
Many redditors sympathize with the OP, noting that after years of unfulfilled promises, it’s entirely reasonable to demand a clear commitment. “After six years, you deserve to know where you stand,” one commenter wrote, emphasizing the importance of clarity in any serious relationship.
Ultimately, the OP’s decision to issue an ultimatum—demanding that her boyfriend propose by the end of the year or risk a breakup—stems from a deep need for security and commitment in a relationship that has grown uncertain over time. While some may view this as an extreme measure, many agree that when promises are repeatedly delayed without clear explanation, setting boundaries is a necessary step.
What do you think? Is it fair to give an ultimatum after six years of waiting for a proposal, or should couples find a more gradual approach to commitment? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—what would you do if you were in the OP’s shoes?