AITAH for telling my ex that she chose our kids over our relationship and it’s not my problem that she is lonely now they are grown up?

When love fades and priorities shift, the pain can be unbearable. Our OP, a 29‑year‑old man, reflects on a marriage that slowly unraveled as his ex chose motherhood over nurturing their relationship. They met when they were both 21, and for a while, their bond was unbreakable. But as they started a family, his ex became consumed by her identity as a mom—devoting every ounce of energy to the kids.

Over time, this left little room for the partnership they once cherished. Now that their children are grown and carving out their own lives, the OP is forced to confront a bitter truth: his ex prioritized the children over their relationship, and now she’s left feeling lonely. In a moment of raw honesty, he told her, “You chose our kids over our relationship, and it’s not my problem that you’re lonely now that they’re grown up.”

This declaration, as shocking as it is, has sparked a heated family debate about accountability, sacrifice, and whether love can ever truly thrive when one partner feels abandoned. Growing up, they were inseparable, but motherhood seemed to transform her entirely. From always opting for “kid stuff” to sacrificing opportunities for romance, she gradually pushed the OP aside.

Despite his many attempts to balance family life and preserve a loving relationship, he felt that she consistently put the kids’ needs above even the smallest gestures of care between them.

With memories of missed chances echoing in his mind—like a weekend passed up for a soccer game instead of spending quality time with him—the OP believes that her choices, however painful, speak for themselves. Now, he wonders if he was harsh, or if the truth of his feelings warrants such a declaration.

‘AITAH for telling my ex that she chose our kids over our relationship and it’s not my problem that she is lonely now they are grown up?’

Navigating the complexities of long‑term relationships often means confronting hard truths about sacrifice and mutual support. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship dynamics, states, “When one partner’s identity becomes wholly entwined with a single role, such as motherhood, the resulting imbalance can lead to profound resentment and isolation.” (kidshealth.org)

In the OP’s case, his ex’s constant prioritization of the children—often at the expense of nurturing the marital bond—created a void that he could no longer ignore. Dr. Durvasula further explains, “A relationship is built on mutual care, where both partners need to feel valued and supported.

If one partner consistently sacrifices their connection to support a family role, it’s not just detrimental to the relationship—it can lead to long-term emotional neglect.” This insight underscores the OP’s feelings; the loss of intimacy and shared experiences left him feeling abandoned, despite his continued love for his ex.

Family therapist Dr. Susan Johnson adds, “Healthy relationships require a delicate balance between parental responsibilities and adult connection. When one partner neglects the latter, the imbalance becomes unsustainable.” Her words echo the OP’s experience of watching his ex become isolated in her own life, with no room for romance or personal growth.

While the decision to end a long‑term relationship is never easy, these experts suggest that if both partners’ emotional needs are not met, then the relationship may indeed be irreparable.

Ultimately, the OP’s blunt declaration—that his ex must bear the loneliness of her choices—is a testament to the deep-seated hurt and imbalance that has festered over the years. It is not a call for vindictiveness, but rather a hard truth: a relationship requires mutual prioritization, and if one partner consistently chooses something else, then they must also accept the consequences of that decision.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Many redditors empathize with the OP, arguing that when one partner consistently neglects the relationship in favor of children, the emotional fallout is inevitable. “If you sacrifice your marital bond for family obligations, don’t be surprised if you end up alone,” one user commented, echoing his sentiments.

Ultimately, the OP’s declaration that his ex chose the kids over their relationship—and that her resulting loneliness is her own burden—is a stark reflection of the emotional imbalance that had festered over time. While some may view his ultimatum as harsh, many agree that mutual support is the cornerstone of any relationship, and if one partner consistently sacrifices their own needs, the consequences are inevitable.

What do you think? Should a partner bear the loneliness that comes with choosing family over the relationship, or is there still room for reconciliation through counseling and mutual compromise? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—what would you do if you found yourself in this emotionally complex situation?