Aita for REFUSING to tell my family which of my baby girls I adopted?

Life as a parent often comes with choices that tug at the heartstrings, especially when it involves blending families in unexpected ways. Our OP, a 20‑year‑old single mom, recently navigated a uniquely complex situation. She gave birth to her daughter Rose about two months ago, and almost simultaneously adopted another baby girl, Lily, born just three days earlier.

Both girls are now being raised as twins, and while the plan was to eventually reveal Lily’s adoption when she’s old enough, this arrangement has already stirred deep emotions within her extended family.

During a family get-together to introduce her two daughters, her grandmother’s insistence on knowing which child was “her real daughter” sparked a fierce confrontation.

Feeling that her family was devaluing her parental role and undermining her love for both girls, the OP took a stand—refusing to label one as adopted. This decision, although painful and controversial, is a testament to her belief that both daughters are equally hers, regardless of biology.

‘Aita for REFUSING to tell my family which of my baby girls I adopted?’

Expert Opinion

Letting familial pressures dictate the narrative of your children’s identities is a challenge many parents face in blended families. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a renowned clinical psychologist specializing in relationship dynamics, explains, “When parents impose labels that create hierarchies among their children, it can lead to long-lasting emotional damage.

” ([​kidshealth.org]) In the OP’s situation, the demand from her family to designate one child as the “real daughter” is less about the truth of adoption and more about old family biases and expectations. Dr. Durvasula further notes, “In complex family structures, it’s vital to allow the parent to define their own family narrative without external interference.

” The OP’s decision to withhold details about which child was adopted until Lily is old enough to understand is a deliberate effort to protect her daughters’ self-esteem. This approach respects both children equally and challenges the outdated notion that biological ties should determine a child’s value within a family.

Another perspective comes from family therapist Dr. Susan Johnson, who emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries with extended family. “When relatives insist on probing into personal family decisions, it can undermine a parent’s authority and cause unnecessary conflict,” she says. Dr. Johnson recommends that parents in similar situations consider family counseling to address these deep-rooted issues.

The OP’s reaction—blocking family members and refusing to yield on her decision—illustrates her desire to preserve her vision of a united, loving family without the added stress of external judgment.

These expert insights underscore that the OP’s choice is not about hiding the truth or being secretive; it’s about timing and protecting her children’s future emotional well-being. While transparency is important, the decision on when and how to share sensitive family information should rest with the parent.

In this case, the OP’s determination to present both daughters as equally cherished reflects a progressive approach to parenting in a blended family, free from traditional, intrusive family expectations.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Many redditors empathize with the OP’s stance, arguing that the choice to keep the adoption details private until the children are older is entirely valid. They point out that labels imposed by extended family members are often rooted in outdated views, and it’s up to the parent to decide when and how to share such personal information.

“Both girls are your children, and that’s what matters,” one commenter stated, echoing the sentiment that love is what truly defines family.

In the end, the decision to delay disclosing which child is adopted is a deeply personal one that highlights the importance of parental autonomy in shaping a family’s identity. While the OP’s family might see this as a refusal to be transparent, she stands by her belief that both daughters are equally her own and that such sensitive details should be revealed only when the children are old enough to understand.

What do you think? Should parents have the sole right to decide when to share such personal information, or do you believe extended family should have a say? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—what would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation?