AITAH for not giving my son a list of clothes to pack for a trip since he called me an a**hole for assuming he couldn’t think for himself ?

Sometimes, a simple trip can become the battleground for deeper issues about independence and responsibility. In today’s story, a 35-year-old man recounts the fallout from a recent mountain getaway with his 16-year-old son. Despite being invited along and reassured that they’d be staying in a hotel (not camping), his son packed only flip flops,

underwear, shorts, and a couple of T-shirts—forgetting a jacket, proper shoes, or any rain gear. As a result, he struggled during the hike and missed out on fun activities like cliff jumping. When his poor packing left him bored and frustrated, his ex-wife blamed him for his own inconvenience, accusing his father of treating him like a child who can’t think for himself.

Feeling backed into a corner by harsh words from both sides, the father now wonders if he’s in the wrong for refusing to provide a packing list. He argues that he trusts his son to learn from his own mistakes, even if it means a few setbacks on a trip. For him, this approach isn’t about treating his son like an idiot;

it’s about allowing him to develop independence and problem-solving skills. Yet the fallout—harsh texts from his ex and mutual friends siding with her—has left him isolated and questioning if his stance was too bitter. Was insisting on letting his son figure things out on his own a reasonable push for independence, or did he cross the line?

‘AITAH for not giving my son a list of clothes to pack for a trip since he called me an a**hole for assuming he couldn’t think for himself ?’

Expert Opinion:

Letting a young person learn from their own mistakes is a cornerstone of developing independence, but when it comes to practical matters like packing for a trip, clear communication can sometimes prevent unnecessary hardships. Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist known for her work on parenting and boundaries, notes, “Allowing your children the space to make their own decisions fosters growth;

however, guidance in the form of gentle suggestions can help bridge the gap between independence and responsibility.” In this situation, the father’s choice to refrain from providing a detailed packing list reflects his belief that his son should learn to plan for himself.

Yet, Dr. Markham also points out that “in transitional periods, such as a first significant trip or when expectations have recently shifted, a little extra guidance can prevent avoidable frustration.” The father’s son, accustomed to a permissive environment under his ex-wife’s watch, might have benefited from a compromise—a list that respects his ability to choose while ensuring he has what he needs for a comfortable trip.

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman adds, “Clear, respectful communication about expectations is key. A practical solution might be to offer a suggested list without dictating exactly what to pack, allowing the young person to exercise choice within safe boundaries.” This approach could have minimized conflict and helped his son feel supported rather than belittled.

The father’s decision to stand by his approach may reflect his desire to encourage self-reliance. However, as both experts suggest, a balance between guidance and independence is often essential in helping young adults navigate responsibilities.

The dispute also touches on broader family dynamics where differing parenting styles lead to conflict—highlighting the importance of consistency and mutual understanding between co-parents. Ultimately, while the father’s intent to foster independence is commendable, a softer approach might have helped mitigate the tension without undermining his values.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Several redditors supported the father’s approach, with one user stating, “If you’ve always encouraged your kid to think for himself, it’s reasonable to expect him to pack his own gear. Mistakes are learning opportunities, not reasons to coddle.” Many agreed that his stance was a natural extension of teaching responsibility.

Another group shared personal experiences, commenting, “I remember my first big trip without a packing list—it was chaotic but it taught me to prepare better next time. Your son might learn from this, even if it stings now. Tough love sometimes pays off.” These insights underscored the value of letting mistakes lead to growth.

In the end, your decision to not provide a packing list stems from a desire to promote your son’s independence and problem-solving skills. While your intent is to help him learn to plan ahead, the resulting conflict highlights a gap between your expectations and his experience. This raises an important question: How do we strike the right balance between encouraging independence and providing necessary guidance?

What would you do if you were in a similar situation? Have you ever had to let a loved one learn from their own mistakes, even if it meant facing a few setbacks? Share your thoughts and experiences—let’s discuss how we can nurture independence while still supporting each other through life’s practical challenges.