Aitah for insisting we get a paternity test before I sign the birth certificate?

In the intricate dance of ethical non-monogamy, trust is key—but so is clarity when it comes to parenthood. In today’s story, a 33-year-old man shares the drama that erupted when his pregnant girlfriend, with whom he practices ENM, refused to get a paternity test before he would sign the birth certificate.

Although both partners have multiple relationships and use protection, the chance of a mix-up looms large. For him, the idea of unintentionally paying to raise another man’s child is unacceptable. He isn’t opposed to parenting a child who isn’t biologically his—he simply demands proof that he is the father before he commits financially and emotionally.

When his girlfriend brushed off his request, insisting he should just trust her word, he drew a hard line, threatening to move out and avoid any parental responsibilities without that confirmation. This isn’t just a matter of money—it’s a clash of expectations, trust, and the practicalities of raising a family in a non-traditional relationship.

While his girlfriend believes that being in a committed relationship means he should automatically step up, he argues that without concrete proof, he cannot—and will not—sign the birth certificate. Was his demand for a paternity test a reasonable safeguard, or did he overstep in a relationship built on mutual trust and open communication?

‘Aitah for insisting we get a paternity test before I sign the birth certificate?’

Expert Opinion:

Letting uncertainty about biological parenthood linger in a modern ENM relationship can be a major source of stress. Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist renowned for her work on relationship boundaries, notes, “In any relationship, especially non-monogamous ones, clarity about parental roles and responsibilities is essential.

A simple request for a paternity test is a healthy way to ensure both parties are on the same page about financial and emotional obligations.” Dr. Markham’s perspective underscores that the OP’s insistence on proof isn’t rooted in distrust of his partner per se, but in the pragmatic need to avoid a lifelong financial commitment to a child he might not biologically father.

Furthermore, relationship expert Dr. John Gottman explains, “In families where multiple partnerships exist, establishing biological certainty can prevent future conflicts. It’s not about questioning love or commitment; it’s about ensuring fairness in the division of parental responsibilities.”

In this case, the OP’s stance reflects a proactive approach to safeguarding his interests while still remaining open to raising a child. His threat to move out unless he gets proof highlights the real fear of being locked into a financial burden that wasn’t his choice—a concern that is entirely valid in a relationship where multiple partners are involved.

These expert insights reveal that clear communication and unequivocal proof are not only reasonable but essential in complex relationship structures. When the stakes involve potentially raising a child with significant financial implications, establishing paternity through a test is both a safeguard and a tool for preventing future misunderstandings.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Several redditors supported the OP’s insistence on a paternity test, with one user writing, “In an ENM relationship, it’s better to have facts than assumptions. You’re not being distrustful, just practical.” Another group shared similar experiences of needing clarity in non-monogamous arrangements, commenting, “I appreciate your need for confirmation—no one wants to be saddled with unexpected responsibilities. Your approach is completely understandable.”

Ultimately, insisting on a paternity test before signing the birth certificate is not about a lack of trust in your partner—it’s about ensuring that both your financial and emotional investments are secure. In a relationship as complex as ENM, where multiple partners and family structures are involved, clarity is key. Your decision to demand proof, and to set boundaries until you have that certainty, is a necessary step in protecting your future.

What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Have you ever had to draw a line to ensure fairness in shared responsibilities? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others navigate the tricky waters of modern relationships and family planning.