AITA because I told my ex-husband’s son the truth about why we divorced and how he came to be?

Imagine being confronted with a question from your ex-husband’s son about the circumstances surrounding your divorce and his own birth. That’s the delicate situation facing OP, who finds herself torn between protecting her ex-husband’s reputation and being honest with a young man seeking guidance.

OP’s ex-husband had an affair and left her while she was pregnant, only to later deny paternity of their son. Now, years later, his son from the affair confronts OP with questions about the past, leading to a difficult conversation and a furious reaction from his mother.

Join us as we explore the complexities of honesty, the challenges of navigating blended families, and the delicate balance between protecting a child’s innocence and revealing painful truths.

‘AITA because I told my ex-husband’s son the truth about why we divorced and how he came to be?’

I (45F) used to be married to D (46M). We were together for four years and married for five years, from age 18 to 27. I thought the relationship was going well until I discovered D was having an active affair with C, who was 25 at the time and is now 43F.

During that time, I collected evidence, consulted a divorce lawyer, and presented D with ​divorce papers. D did not protest and left me for C as she was pregnant, and I had trouble conceiving. As the divorce proceeded, I discovered I was pregnant.

Through my moral judgment, I decided to keep the baby and have primary custody, as D was enamored with his new fling with C. I would give birth to a healthy baby boy in M, and C would give birth in N. D would initially deny paternity of M, but with a DNA test, it is proven he is the father.

The boys would grow up to become friends and have a solid relationship despite the tense nature of what transpired between D and me. The boys are now 17 and entering their senior year of high school. N was over last weekend and seemed different, as his mood was sour and he seemed upset.

Sitting down with him, I asked what was wrong, and though he appeared apprehensive, he opened up to me about some relationship problems he had been going through. His girlfriend of two years had cheated on him, and he was having trouble dealing with the drawbacks of it.

He asked me whether or not two individuals could reconcile after infidelity. I was honest with him and said that it depended on the individuals, though it was often better if both parties moved on as trust between the two had been broken and was not easily repaired.

He seemed to take the answer in stride but then asked me a question I wasn’t sure I was prepared for, “Is that what happened between you and my father?” I confirmed that it had, which is why D and I divorced, that his father cheated on me with his mother, which resulted in his birth.

He seemed conflicted and responded, “So it’s all been a lie?” I asked him about that statement, and apparently, his father said that I cheated on him. I corrected him on that point and stated the reason for our divorce was infidelity on his father’s part, and I had evidence for it.

He thanked me for the conversation and said he needed to go home now as it was getting late. I wished him safe travels and thought nothing else of it until a few hours later when I received an angry phone call from C blasting me for why she argued with her son.

He went home to have it out with his father over the situation, but he wasn’t home yet and couldn’t wait. He had a very contentious verbal spat with C, calling her some unpleasant names I would not repeat. She is calling me a homewrecker (the irony in that statement) and that I’m an a**hole for poisoning her son’s mind. AITA for what I discussed with him?.

Edit: To clarify and answer some common questions I’ve seen. 1. N and M know they are half brothers from a young age. I share custody with D as he would have M on the weekends and some holidays. I edited to clarify the relationship as some were confused about how N didn’t know he had a brother, but he did.

2. I never discussed with N in explicit detail why I and his father didn’t work out, as it only came up in that particular conversation. I explained it to M at one point when he entered high school, and I asked him his opinion on myself dating at this point as he is getting older but has a relationship with his father to an extent, and he seemed fine with it.

Expert Opinion:

This situation highlights the challenges faced by divorced parents and the complexities of navigating relationships with children from blended families. Dr. Constance Ahrons, a leading expert on divorce and remarriage and author of The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart, emphasizes the importance of open communication and honesty in co-parenting relationships.

She states, “Children deserve to know the truth about their family history, even if it’s painful or difficult. Honesty builds trust and helps children make sense of their experiences.” In this case, OP’s decision to tell her ex-husband’s son the truth about their divorce and his own birth, while understandably upsetting to his mother, can be seen as an act of respect for the young man’s intelligence and his right to know his family history.

Dr. Ahrons notes that “Children are more resilient than we often give them credit for, and they can handle difficult truths if they are presented in an age-appropriate and supportive manner.”

Furthermore, shielding children from the truth can backfire, leading to confusion, resentment, and difficulty forming healthy relationships. Dr. Ahrons suggests that “When parents try to protect children by hiding information or lying about the past, it can create a sense of distrust and undermine the child’s sense of reality.” (Source: The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart)

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Community Opinions:

Here’s what the Reddit community had to say about this situation – always ready with a strong opinion and a dash of wit:

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These are popular opinions on Reddit, but do they reflect reality? While some might argue that OP should have protected her ex-husband’s reputation and avoided revealing the truth, it’s important to remember that the son had a right to know his family history. OP’s honesty, while painful in the short term, may ultimately help the son heal and move forward with a clearer understanding of his past.

StaggeringMediocrity −  He’s been poisoned with the truth!. NTA.

LouisV25 −  NTA. 1) The victim never has to stay quiet so the villain can save face. 2) Never let someone lie on you, especially when they’re attacking your character. 3) What is done in the dark always comes to light.

Snowconetypebanana −  His dad has two sons the same age with two different women, I’m surprised they hadn’t already figured that one out.

Far_Information_9613 −  NTA. The truth will out.

ImmeralHolimion −  NTA, you told the truth. They lied to their child. Their fallout is their own fault. You have documented proof. Good job.

gastropodia42 −  His parents are the ass holes for telling him lies.. He probably suspected already.

manda14 −  NTA. Those types of secrets never stay secret. My husband found out he had a half brother when he was 31. His dad had cheated on his mom and the other son lived in a different province. The other son was born 10 months before my husband and his mom didn’t know anything.

However, the half brother’s mom was well aware. Their dad had little to do with either, but much more with my husband because he was legally responsible in their divorce (unrelated and before my husband was born). The half brother contacted me through my work after a lot of googling and that’s how it all came out.. Secrets don’t stay secret.

WolfGang2026 −  NTA. All you did was tell him the truth. Funny how she’s calling u the a**hole for poisoning her son when they’ve been the ones poisoning his mind since birth.

tjthemadhatter −  NTA. You handled that with a kindness he never would have gotten anywhere else.

MackinawDreams −  For starters, he opened up to you and asked the questions. 1) your opinion on his relationship, then, 2) if “that” had happened with you and his dad. You gave your advice/opinion on the first and then when you answered the second, you had no idea he’d been lied to.

And, since you’re not a deceitful cheater, you just told the actual truth of what had happened. He then realized he had been lied to by his dad and mom. That’s not your problem.

You most certainly did not have to defend them nor act like you were the one at fault. Frankly, it’s amazing the real truth hasn’t come out sooner. He called a spade a spade. I have no sympathy for her, tho I’m sure it hurt.

So, dear readers, what’s your verdict? Was OP right to tell her ex-husband’s son the truth, or should she have protected him from the painful details of his parents’ past? How can divorced parents navigate honesty and openness with their children while minimizing conflict and hurt feelings? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!