AITA For telling my wife that if she wants to bedshare she needs to sleep in the kids beds?

A Reddit user describes a conflict with his wife about her continued bed-sharing with her two children, ages 9 and 13, which began before they married.

Due to a work injury, he now requires a memory foam mattress but often finds himself on the couch because the kids take over their bed. After suggesting that she and the kids sleep in one of their beds instead, tensions escalated, and his wife temporarily left with the kids.

Though she proposed a compromise involving a new mattress for him in a different room, he feels excluded from his own bed and marriage. Curious about the full story? Read it below.

‘ AITA For telling my wife that if she wants to bedshare she needs to sleep in the kids beds?’

My wife and I have been together for six years, she has a thirteen year old and a nine year old. When we first got together they were both still in her bed, they were both relatively small and I worked nights. It was never an issue.

Last year I suffered a work injury and now have to sleep on a memory foam mattress. I assumed by now both kids would of grown out of cosleeping, but obviously havent.

I cant comfortably sleep in a bed with two kids, especially because my stepson (nine) is a little ninja. He is constantly kicking during the night. They will occasionally sleep in their own beds, but very rarely.

My stepdaughter is a little better, but stepson will have meltdowns if we try and send him to his own bed. My wife doesnt believe we should force them out, which I understand, but I cant keep sleeping on the couch when they’re in the bed.

A couple days ago I blew up over it. My backs killing, I’m tired. I essentially told her to take the kids and sleep in one of their beds, I need the comfortable mattress for my back.

We never really got to discuss it because stepson got upset and started crying. That night she took the kids to her parents for the night, and back at home she explained that they wouldnt all fit in one of the kids beds.

She agreed that I could have the big bed, but is ordering a memory foam mattress for our sons bed so I can sleep there comfortably. I dont want to sleep in a kids bed; I want my bed, and I’d like to actually spend a night with my wife.

Her parents are on her and the kids side, obviously, but I still dont think I should have to give my bed up for them, in the nicest way possible. I paid for it.

The issue is getting worse, and my in laws are now calling me abusive for trying to take their comforts.. So, am I the a**hole?
Important info; both kids and my wife are asd diagnosed, stepson also has adhd.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

PaigeTurner2 −  NTA – I also think it’s problematic for your wife to expect you to sleep, night after night,
with a teenage stepdaughter. That aside, kicking you out of your own bed so she can sleep with a teen and a tween is a strange dependency on her part.

Is she planning on moving into their dorm rooms or going on their honeymoons in the future. Just no. Time to grow the kids up and have an adult relationship with her husband.

4thxtofollowtherules −  NTA yikes. I watched my mom force my dad to sleep on the couch their entire marriage bc she’d rather have a kid in her bed. I was the oldest and slept with her until I was 10.

I’m an adult now and still have a hard time sleeping if I’m home alone. It made things worse for me. Eventually my dad got fed up and divorced her. Rule number one for my husband and I when we had kids was no kids in the bed ( w the exception of nightmare or sick kid or something).

stallion8426 −  NTA it’s really unhealthy for the kids to still be co-sleeping with their mother and you clearly aren’t getting any adult time with your wife because of it.
Think long and hard if this is the future you want though, because I doubt it’s going to change.

Deep_Ad_9889 −  NTA – their diagnosis does not mean they cannot understand the need for their own beds and privacy.
You need to explain to your wife that you will not sleep in your sons bed and she should return the mattress,

if she wants to co-sleep then she can order a new bed and mattress and sleep somewhere else but the marital bed is for you and her only. And if your in laws get really pissy remind them it’s illegal to have s** in front of minors…

EDIT: the last line about secs was meant as a joke to get the in laws of his back, because I know mine would shut up if I mentioned it.
It was not mean to be a discussion into OPs s** life and what is and is not acceptable to them. This isn’t about s**!!

NefariousnessGlum424 −  NTA – why would she order another small child bed instead of ordering an adult bed that she can sleep in with the kids. Two big beds that are separate seem like the better answer to this problem. I can’t imagine a grownup happily sleeping in a twin bed every night.

khall20 −  Nta the kids are old enough to sleep in there old bed end of story. You have a legitimate reason to need to sleep in your bed and your wife needs to cut the cord with the kids about sharing a bed every night.

plo84 −  NTA. Considering you have an injury, priority is for you to sleep comfortably.
Now…sounds to me like the kids (the son at least) has some form of attachment to his mom.

It’s not within the norm for a kid that big to still want to sleep in bed with the parents. Is he scared of something? I suggest looking into therapy or some form of diagnosis.

Novel_Ad_7318 −  Edit: NAH, see reasoning below OP’s answer.
(“Yeah, I think you got the reason why they are sleeping with you still. They don’t feel safe without you and your wife, which I guess could even be taken as a compliment.

Honestly, I struggle to call anyone an a**hole here, because those are most likely just terrified kids. I am autistic and struggled for a long time, especially at night, as well as having had some trauma that periodically had me sleep with my mom (though her bed was large enough) because I was so sensitive.

Has a therapist been involved? Obviously, this is putting a strain on you and your family life. Dating someone with kids will need compromise, though your own comfort shouldn’t be affected majorly like this.

I feel like family counseling might be appropriate. The kids need to know you aren’t rejecting them, but that you are looking out for their best though at that age, it might not have been easily understood.

I really think there could be a conflict-free resolution here, though a professional likely will have to be involved to find it.”)
INFO: Are the kids okay? I am honestly not entirely sure about kids ages, but at that age, most of them sleep in their own beds regularly. Trauma, however, might change that, and considering you are their stepdad, was there something going on?

camillari −  NTA- they are 9&13 years old, there is no reason they can’t stay in their own bed. Plus you have medical reasons as to why you want to stay in YOUR OWN bed.

Sleeping together (as in: literally sleeping hahah) is such an important aspect of a relationship in my opinion, I could not imagine handeling a situation like this.

BogBabe −  Mild ESH, mild NAH. Based on your comments about your wife being asexual and everything else in your marriage being fine, I would say you need to designate the master BR as the “wife & kids room,” and you take over one of the kids rooms. As in, it’s yours, completely. No kid furniture in there.

A big comfortable bed picked out by you, for you. Your dresser. Your clothes in the closet. It becomes *your* room. They want to share, they get to share. You don’t want to share, you don’t have to.

If your wife ever actually wants to spend a night with *you*, she can leave the kids in the other room and come sleep with *you* in *your* room.

Do you think the user’s request to reclaim his bed was reasonable, or should he accommodate the needs of his wife and her kids given their diagnoses? How would you balance shared parenting, personal space, and sleep needs in a blended family? Share your thoughts and advice in the comments below!