AITA for refusing to give my partner the code to my safe?

A Reddit user shared their dilemma about refusing to give their partner access to a safe containing a valuable six-figure gem collection, despite their partner claiming it’s about trust. Read the full story below to decide who’s in the right.

‘ AITA for refusing to give my partner the code to my safe?’

Update at the bottom. Throwaway and usual mobile formatting apologies.I 32(f) and a Gemologist, I spend my days in the lab testing and identifying stones.

From the nature of my work I also have a large and valuable collection of jewellery but also gem specimens that I keep in a safe I specifically bought and had installed to keep them safe.

I also have a second smaller safe for keeping important documents like passports.I own my home and my boyfriend (33m) of 2 years recently moved in as he was renting before.

I gave him the code to the smaller safe so he could put valuables in it, but he also wants the code for my gem safe. Not to put anything in it, but he says because we are living together now I should trust him and give him the code.

I’ve said no because he has no reason to open the safe as the only thing it’s used for is storing my collection, he’s said he has no interest in my gem collection, doesn’t want to look at them, but still wants the code to access them.

This is causing tension because he says I should give it to him as a show of trust, and I said no, because he literally has no reason to go in there so he doesn’t need the code.

This is a 6 figure collection so I’m not being difficult over a few little gems here. I am the only one who knows the code.. So Reddit am I being TA here? *also we are in the UK so we spell jewellery differently to the US

Edit: holy hell this blew up way more than I ever expected! Im sticking to my guns and I’m not giving him the code. All you lovely internet strangers are right, it’s a huge marinara flag and I’ll be telling him to pack his stuff. I’ll update you later. Thank you all for your comments!!

Edit 2: this keeps coming up, the safe weighs nearly half a ton, it’s bolted to the floor and wall and is from a company who make safes, vaults and strong rooms for jewellers. You could bring the house down around it and it would still be intact.

Final edit: I think I have phrased it badly but all of the gems and jewellery in the safe are mine and mine alone. I do not keep any clients jewellery at home. For my other business doing valuations I rent a separate space and keep client items there.

I will give an update once things have panned out Another edit: I’ve checked for cameras (thank you for the suggestions people) and there aren’t any aside from the ones I already have fitted which he doesn’t have access to.

I’ve moved all of my personal docs out of the little safe and into my gem safe. I’ve told my colleague what I’m doing and she is going to come around for when I do it.. Update:

Firstly thank you so much for the insane amount of comments and support, it meant so much to me. For all of your messages and questions I’m really sorry if I didn’t get to you there were just so many!

I probably didn’t emphasise in my last post that we had a couple of conversations about this and me explaining why he had no reason to go in there etc.

Short version is I told him he isn’t getting the code and I will die on this hill. He has no reason to have it and his continued lack of respect by the pushing of my boundaries wasn’t ok, I felt like he was trying to manipulate me by making it about trust.

After a lot of back and forth he finally admitted that he wanted access to the safe because he didn’t feel like I was sharing the whole house with him, because I insisted on a tenancy agreement rather than just letting him move in, and he didn’t like that part of where he lived was off limits to him.

He was also insecure and resented that I have more money than him and own a home whilst he doesn’t, he had made a few comments about this before but I didn’t realise it was such a big issue for him.

He also said that by keeping him out of the safe made him feel like I thought he was lesser than me and that it made him feel like I was treating him like a child.

I told him if that’s how he feels then this is not the right relationship for either of us and that it was best we break up. He was shocked that I was ending things over this, cried and asked me to reconsider, when I said no he then got angry, called me a stuck up b*tch said he was better off without me anyway and went to his friends.

I told him via text he had 30 days before he had to leave (as per the tenancy agreement) so he didn’t need to stay at a friends, he said he would be gone by the end of the week. 2 days later he came back and packed up all of his stuff and left, he’s staying with his friend now.

I have changed all the locks, I have an alarm and cctv system that’s professionally monitored and I have changed the verbal password I have to give when you call up as a precaution. I’ve checked all of my collection and it hasn’t been touched.

I also took your guys advice and am giving my solicitor the code and safe deposit details to be passed to my executor in the event of my death. I feel horrible because despite all of this I love him, but lot’s of the comments said how I should have a partner who not only respects my boundaries but takes an interest in my passions and that really got to me because it’s true,

so may of you reached out with questions and it made me so happy, but also sad as he never asked me stuff like that, I think this is what pushed me over the edge to end it more than anything.

I’m pretty cut up right now and missing him, but I know I’ll be ok, I have great friends and family around me, also diamonds are a girls best friend and I have a few knocking around to help cheer me up!

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Satansbiscuit666 −  Definitely nta. I wouldn’t trust anybody with the code. Money does weird things to people. Even the ones you trust completely.

Poekienijn −  NTA. There is no reason to know. I really don’t follow his reasoning. He doesn’t want to go in your safe but he wants to be able to? What is he? A cat?. Edit: thanks for the awards!

isthisariddle −  NTA.  He just moved in and is demanding codes and to invade all your valuables.

HIOP-Sartre −  NTA. Is he serious? Ask him to give you his bank card PIN, email passwords, account passwords, etc. because you now live together, and see what he says.

Leimana76 −  NTA Do not ever give him the code. His attitude and demand is alarming. for sure

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Don’t give him the code. Never give him the code. If he keeps going on and on and on about it, still don’t give him the code. I hate how partners dangle “If you trust me” give this password or that code to me for iPhones, Instagram, bank accounts or whatever. Partners don’t need access to EVERYTHING in your life, it’s okay to keep things for yourselves.

Honestly because you never know what could happen down the line, a bad breakup? He gets petty goes into the safe and takes something? It could happen.

Gets drunk with his friends, and uses the code to show them ” the gem collection”? If you’re solid enough in the relationship he will let this go, there is no need for him to know. Simple as that.

I’m already immediately suss on him because he just “wants the code” just to know it. If it’s causing tension I’m SUSS haha, just stand your ground with this one!

endymion2300 −  NTA. he’s going for the long con.

rusalkamaya −  While I generally agree with your partners view that it’s a sign of trust in a relationship to be open about things like this you’re still clearly NTA to me.

You said no and your partner should accept that. It’s your safe, your collection and a valuable at that. If you’re willing to share the code that’s okay, but he can’t *expect* you to. That’s the point where he’s starting to be wrong and an AH.

Edit: Him wanting the code and going as far as turning it into a problem is a sign for distrust btw. It’s always a bit ironic when people claim behavior like this is about trust, when they’re the ones with the issue.

terayonjf −  NTA I’d get your stuff out of the safe he does have access to. That reasoning and his insistence is so troubling I’d legit reconsider the relationship. It screams I’m going to steal valuable s**t and gaslight you into thinking it was misplaced by you. This would 100% be the start of the legal removal of this person from my home and life.

BottleFree8053 −  Hey OP, I can’t lie, this guys is showing some concerning behaviours. You still have the time to make it right because you’re not married and you’re not financially tied to him with children.
I think you should run. But at the end of the day, it’s up to you.

Was the user right to prioritize the security of their collection over their partner’s concerns, or should trust in a relationship extend to sharing access to something so valuable?

How would you balance trust and personal boundaries in this situation? Share your thoughts below!