Me (34f) setting firm boundaries with my husband (34m) may mean the end of my marriage. What should I do?

A Reddit user shared their struggles with their partner’s emotional neglect and aggressive behavior, which have been escalating over time. The user’s husband, who has a history of trauma, often reacts with frustration and anger, undermining their emotional needs. Despite years of couples therapy, the user feels unheard and unsafe, especially when their boundaries are violated.

After a particularly intense argument involving verbal aggression, the user is left wondering whether the relationship can survive or if it’s time to move on. To find out more about the situation and how others have responded, read the full story below…

‘ Me (34f) setting firm boundaries with my husband (34m) may mean the end of my marriage. What should I do?’

I’ve been married to my husband for five years, and we’ve been together for a total of 12 years. Before marriage, we had dated for six years and known each other as friends for five. He’s a truly remarkable person—smart, witty, and loving—but unfortunately, he struggles significantly with handling frustration, anger, and insecurities.

These issues stem from childhood trauma, which he has acknowledged. However, despite me being nothing but trustworthy, he often presumes the worst intentions behind my actions, even when there’s no reason to. Over the years, I’ve noticed that in many of our arguments, his feelings often take precedence over mine.

He’ll focus on how something small, like me not putting away the dishes, translates into me not respecting or prioritizing our relationship, even though I never asked him to do the dishes in the first place. While I try my best to listen to his feelings and empathize, in the heat of the moment, my own feelings are often ignored or dismissed, and the discussion just revolves around him.

We’ve been in couples counseling for years, and it started as a form of maintenance. But over the past year, it’s become critical due to worsening issues. My husband fell into a deep depression last spring, and the subsequent months were really challenging for both of us. He would often take very minor things and blow them out of proportion.

For instance, if I sent him a message without a read receipt or if I didn’t reply immediately, he’d take it as a sign that I didn’t care about him, which would lead him to shut down, give me the silent treatment, or stop communicating except for practical house-related matters.

During these tough times, I’ve always done my best to support him emotionally (and financially when needed), even picking up tasks around the house to ease his burden. I don’t mind doing this because, in a partnership, we support each other. But lately, I’ve been struggling with my own depression, and I find that when I need support, he’s unable to provide it without it eventually coming back to haunt me.

For example, when I feel sad and he offers to get me something like my favorite pizza, he later expresses frustration over how stressful it was for him to get the food or how inconvenient the situation was. This shifts the focus away from my need for support to his own frustration.

The tipping point came recently when I was having a really hard day and he was there for me—holding me, doing housework, and trying to help me through it. But later that night, after I had started to feel a little more stable, he hit me with passive-aggressive comments about how I hadn’t met his needs throughout the day. It completely devastated me, especially because I’ve been prioritizing his needs over my own, often neglecting my own well-being in the process.

Later that same evening, our basement flooded, and when he discovered it, I went downstairs to check on him. He screamed at me in my face, saying “What the fuck do you think???” when I asked what was going on. That was the final straw for me. I had already set clear boundaries—no screaming, no physical or emotional aggression—and yet, once again,

he violated that boundary. I know I’ve been bad at enforcing boundaries in the past because I fear conflict, but I’ve been trying to work on this in therapy. And every time I enforce these boundaries, it feels like he reacts as if I’m attacking him or condemning our relationship, and this makes it really hard to stand firm.

We’re at a crisis point now, as I’ve made it clear that screaming in my face is not acceptable, and if it happens again, I will not tolerate it. He’s admitted that he’s not sure if he can guarantee this won’t happen again, and he feels that my insistence on this boundary could mean the end of our relationship. He’s remorseful for how he’s treated me, but he’s also unwilling to fully acknowledge the severity of his actions.

I love my husband deeply, and there are many positive aspects to our relationship—our shared values, the fun we have together, and our strong emotional connection. But as much as I want to keep this relationship together, I cannot continue in a marriage where my emotional needs are neglected or disrespected. I need to feel safe, supported, and heard, especially when I’m at my most vulnerable.

Setting this hard boundary around the screaming may seem like a small thing, but it’s actually a huge issue. Emotional abuse, even without physical violence, is still damaging. If he can’t guarantee that he’ll be able to manage his anger, it might be necessary for him to seek anger management or therapy, especially given that his high blood pressure might be an underlying health issue. I’ve suggested this to him, but there’s been no response.

At this point, I’m torn. I don’t want my marriage to end, but I can’t stay in a relationship where I’m constantly walking on eggshells, where my needs are ignored, and where I fear for my emotional safety. The fear of him not changing is real, and while I understand that change takes time, it feels like this issue is one that could make or break our future together.

See what others had to share with OP:

stellastellamaris −  You’re already in counselling – what does your counsellor say about all of this? Do they think your boundaries (of not being verbally abused) are reasonable? (Hint: they ARE.) Also, he’s punched walls, which is a HUGE red flag. You mention his childhood trauma – what is he doing to address that? You mentioned depression – is there a diagnosis?

What’s his treatment plan? Does he have meds? A therapist or other mental health professional he sees outside of your couples’ counsellor? YOU CAN’T SET YOURSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP HIM WARM. I think you know the answer I want to give you. (Google ‘sunk cost fallacy’.)

MsAnthropic −  Your hard boundary is reasonable. Does he scream and punch walls at work? I’m guessing not. If he can control himself at work, there’s no reason he can’t control himself at home.

peacock_shrimp −  Picture your hypothetical daughter. Picture a little girl that you had watched grow up, and nurtured and loved. Now imagine that, once grown, your daughter came to you and said that her husband not only yelled at her, he claimed he was *incapable*, not physically able, to not yell at her. What would you tell that woman you loved dearly?

If it was my daughter (or you, internet stranger!) I would tell them that it was b**lshit, that you were drawing a completely reasonable line and should be commended for standing up for your own self-respect, and that the fact that your husband isn’t ashamed of himself for claiming that he is not physically capable of not screaming in your face is reason enough for you to take him up on his offer.

You see, the problem isn’t fundamentally the yelling. The problem is that he doesn’t respect you enough to think that the yelling is a problem. The solution to “don’t yell at my wife” feels so big to him that he’s willing to trash the whole marriage over it rather than just let you have that boundary. What that says to me is that at a very deep subconscious level,

he has zero respect for you. If his response to “you cannot yell at me” is “I’ll take my ball and go home,” you have much larger problems than the yelling. He is not willing to do the amount of work that “don’t yell in my face” would take. No wonder therapy hasn’t really been working too well. You know you coddle him. You know you soften all his blows for him.

I would bet every penny in my checking account that you arrange chunks of your life thinking “Let’s do it this way, if we do it that simpler way JimBob might get upset”. He has cowed you emotionally, and when you asked him not to threaten you physically his response was “f**k it, I quit.” Not acceptable.

Keep taking steps towards asserting what’s best for you, whether that be setting strong boundaries (go you, you did a good thing and should be commended, even if the results weren’t what you hoped) or listening to what your heart tells you when you think about whether you want to keep going like this.

TacticalMuffin4u −  That doesn’t sound like a “smart, sexy, witty, wonderful man” to me.

CrankyWife −  I think it comes down to your not feeling that you can trust him with your emotions. He is not your “safe place.” And I don’t this you can get past it.

W_O_M_B_A_T −  Abusers always have trust issues. You’re in an abusive relationship. Admit that.

[Reddit User] −  We share values, politically and personally. We play video games together and travel together and have fun together and care deeply about each other. You can find these things with a guy who isn’t fragile, manipulative, and aggressive. Just saying.

mugwump3000 −  If your husband finds the idea of not screaming in someone’s face impossible, then he should go live by himself under a rock away from society. Honestly. Come on.
No your boundary is not irrational. It is appropriate and important and necessary. If he says that not being allowed to *scream in your fave* is a dealbreaker for him then girl, break this deal.

What a horrible partner. Years of abuse. Counselling, and he still refuses to manage himself and his emotions like an adult. OP you deserve more. You deserve RESPECT. You get none now. I would cancel the rest of counselling and look at ending this, personally. It is abuse and he is being very, very honest: He sees no reason to stop.

halakea −  Your husband sounds exactly like my mom, especially given that you know this is largely influenced by his childhood trauma. Your “pretzel” remark resonates with me 100%. The thing is, he is NOT treating you like a person, and you deserve better than that, no matter how much you’re able to empathize with him.

I honestly have found r/raisedbynarcissists to be very helpful because even if he isn’t strictly speaking a narcissist, the fact that he demands that you contort your emotions to fit his is a completely unreasonable lack of boundaries on his part. You get to be a whole, imperfect person. That is your RIGHT as a human being with inherent worth.

I’m not saying your husband can’t improve, because my mom actually has gotten a little better over the last 5 years or so, but I would be very careful when deciding what you want your life to look like. You deserve to live a life that doesn’t involve getting screamed at. You deserve to live a life where you can have emotions without facing passive aggressive retaliation.

I know it’s scary to think of anything beyond this, but I can’t tell you how happy I have been since I moved away from my parents. Like, it will be kind of cold and grey out but I’ll just take a deep breath and think about how free I am and have a huge grin on my face. I have also had relationships that fit this pattern to a lesser degree, and after the initial shock of the break-up,

I felt this glowing happiness at not have to tiptoe anymore. I don’t know you, but I am proud if you for setting this boundary. If you were my friend, I would ask what you thought about telling him it is a hard boundary and initiating a separation. If he recognizes that your boundaries are the bare minimum of what you are owed as a human being and begins to make real steps towards improvement,

then maybe think about where the relationship is going. What I have done in your situation, though, is leave. And the relief is like nothing you can imagine right now. Being alone is a million times better than being close to someone who hurts you. (And then you get to rebuild your life, and fine exclusively people who are good to you, and it gets better every day).

I will keep you in my thoughts and wish so much strength and self-love for you.

KeyraSkye186 −  First of all. Screaming in someone’s face is rude and disrespectful. If he can’t control himself to keep from doin that then it is on him. Depression, mental issues etc or not; IT IS NEVER OK TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL LIKE S**T BECAUSE YOU CANT CONTROL YOURSELF. It is unacceptable behavior. In any form of relationship.

If he can’t get that under his control, then he does need the boundaries. It sounds like you are doing everything to make him comfortable with how he feels. You cannot feed into someone’s depression/anxieties/ negative feelings and expect it to get any better.

He needs to work on his own problems himself before he can even attempt to fix what is going on wrong in your relationship. There comes a time where he needs to realize that you are doing everything you can for him and he (taking from what you wrote) is being completely selfish at points in time. Which is really unfair to you.

Do you think the user should continue trying to work through these issues, or is it time for a more permanent separation? How would you approach a relationship where your emotional safety feels compromised by your partner’s behavior? Share your thoughts below and join the discussion!