My (M61) adopted son (M14) wants to live with his biological father (M32). My wife (F58) and I disagree about it, and I could use some advice

A Reddit user and his wife adopted their son as an infant, but now at 14, he wants to live with his biological father. While the father is open to the idea, the mother is heartbroken and strongly against it. The user is torn between what’s best for their son and his wife’s feelings. Read the original story below…

‘ My (M61) adopted son (M14) wants to live with his biological father (M32). My wife (F58) and I disagree about it, and I could use some advice’

My wife, Jane, and I are married 25 years, with a soon-to-be 15 year old son, John, we adopted as an infant after years of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant. John has known he’s adopted since a very young age. Three years ago we let him see his adoption file and told him what little we knew about his biological parents.

John became obsessed with finding them, and within a month we found their information online. His birth mother died in 2009. His biological father, Sam, is married with two young daughters. He was 16 when my son was conceived. We made contact. After DNA testing confirmed Sam’s paternity, he and his family were very receptive, and a reunion soon followed.

Sam is a great guy and he and John have built a close bond over the past two years. We live about an hour away. Sam and John now frequently hike and fish/hunt, play sports and do things that I am not as fit or inclined to do (Sam is half my age; my health is poor). John gets along great with his new sisters, and joined their 10 day family vacation to Hawaii over the holidays.

Last week John asked us if he could move in with Sam’s family. He wasn’t callous or cruel about it. He had a whole speech written out, and delivered it through tears. Basically he said he loves us and will always be grateful, but that he is happier with Sam’s family. He wants to live with them and spend a few weekends each month with us.

He had spoken to Sam, who is open to discussing it with us. Apparently Sam’s wife is all for it too. The last two years have been difficult for my wife and I for other reasons. Jane’s business went bankrupt and her mother passed away. We’ve both been depressed. My diabetes took two of my toes and I’m likely to lose half the foot soon.

I can understand why John would want to live with Sam, in a house filled with activity and positive happenings. Jane is absolutely against John moving out. She is insulted and hurt and angry. She is astounded at me for even considering it. She said we have been too focused on ourselves and too willing to let Sam and his family fill roles we find difficult or impossible.

I think that’s overly harsh but I do see her point. In the long run I just want what’s best for John. Sam is financially secure, young and healthy, with a sweetheart of a wife. They live in a better neighborhood, with a much better high school.

I can think of so many reasons why living with them makes sense; most of the reasons I think of for him to stay under our roof seem selfish. I would appreciate some advice on where we go from here. It’s all very confusing right now and I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of a no-win situation

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

mummaflar −  Oh my heart breaks for you both. I feel like some professional help for all of you would be sensible. From an outsiders point of you I would say let him go and then build on that with dedicated time spent with you.

I can virtually guarantee that as he becomes an adult what you did for him in letting him go will be so important and he will come back to you. The flipside is that given his age telling him no may drive an irrepairable wedge between you. The reality of doing this though would be heartbreaking.

Purpledoors3 −  That is heartbreaking. I think you and your wife need a longer conversation about this with the bio dad and his wife. Who is going to discipline him? What are their rules around dating and drinking? Right now, the bio dad is getting all the fun parts without any of the hard parts. If he has young kids he wouldn’t understand that yet.

Once all four of you are on the same page, then have the conversation again with your son. Maybe in the meantime, write a handwritten letter to him explaining how important he is to you. He might not appreciate it right away, but he will later on in his adult years.

Ajoc27 −  Wow, you are incredibly selfless and brave to allow john and same to build a wonderful relationship. I can understand you & your wife’s point of view. She raised this boy since he was an infant, she is his mother and the idea of “giving him away” seems absurd and horrifying to her.

I’m sure you feel the same in a way, and it’s amazing that your willing to consider letting him living with his biological father. Could there be some sort of middle ground? Shared custody? Maybe he could discuss it with a therapist. It must be very difficult for John too, he will need love, even if you & your wife are angry/disappointed.

system-user −  Here’s what might happen if you don’t agree to it: in a few years he’ll be of legal age to do whatever he wants and it won’t matter, but in the meantime he’ll feel like you don’t care about what he wants for his life and that will cause resentment, which may lead to him not wanting to see you much as he gets older.. Just something to consider.

myrelationacct2020 −  Is John in any kind of therapy where he may have discussed this? In the US when a child turns 16 a judge will listen to them in determining custody. If you are going through with this contact an attorney with family law.

[Reddit User] −  I’m really surprised with the amount of people telling him to let his son go. They adopted and raised him, his guy has been the fun weekend bio dad while they’re been going through a tough time emotionally and physically. Of course the kid thinks he’ll be happier their, bio dad hasn’t been there for fights, discipline, etc.

What would basically happen is his parents would be turned into a grandparent role. His wife would see the child she raised have someone else as a mother and father. It’s like a slap in the face. But I also hear what people are saying with if they say no, he might resent them.

I would 100% do not give up custody. But there can be a compromise, what if he spends more time with bio-dad (3 weekends a month) and I think they both need to do there best to start being active parents again. I understand the physical limitations but they need to up their time with their son.

tal_tales −  I am an adopted child, who dealt with my family having severe health issues during my youth. I feel like there is a possibility that this isn’t exactly what it seems to be. Consider that a 15 year old child with the emotional intelligence to write a thoughtful speech and read it to you through tears may also be acutely aware of your recent health and financial problems,

and may be attempting to relieve the financial, physical and emotional burden of his day to day care from your shoulders. Kids are often wayyyy more astute than we give them credit for. Make sure his wanting to move is truly what he believes is in his best interest, and not a misguided attempt at self sacrifice for your benefit. Just a thought!

wreckingbacher −  This is way above reddits paygrade, 1. Individual counseling for both OP and wife and son 2. Family counseling 3. Family lawyer. Allow some time to process this before making decisions with lasting permanent effects.

scrubsnotdrugs −  So the bio dad is… 30 or 31 years old? And you all raised his son for 15 years. You did the difficult part of raising a child and he is YOUR son, not this guys son because he has his genetics. Bio dad sounds like he is acting more like a cool big brother than a parent currently (idk the whole story obviously).

Parents do the difficult part of raising kids, and it sounds great to your son to go live with him because it would be all fun and games, but eventually the bio dad will need to discipline him and be a parent and I think your son will become upset with his new living situation, or the bio dad wont discipline him and bad things can happen.

By discipline I mean enforcing the rules of the house and such, not physically disciplining. I had an adopted brother growing up and he would talk about wanting to find his bio parents to live with them, but they weren’t the right thing for him at the time

Engineeringirl11 −  I think Sam has gotten to be the fun parent for a while and your son might be thinking things will stay that way if he moves in with them. What happens when Sam misses curfew? What happens when he needs a car? There’s a lot of responsibility here that you would be leaving up in the air if you just abandoned this kid to a a man he’s only known for 2.5 years.

I understand you can’t just say no here so my suggestion would be to have a talk with your son. Explain how you respect his wishes to see his dad and tell him you aren’t going to prevent it but as his acting guardian you aren’t really comfortable just letting him move in right away. Maybe make a compromise where he stays with them every week end or something.

Is it selfish to hold on, or is letting go the greatest act of love? Should the parents fight to keep their son or respect his wishes? Share your thoughts below.