My (25F) partner bought his affair partner around our daughters (9 and 5)

A Reddit user shares a heartbreaking story about discovering that her partner, Adam, had introduced his affair partner, Naomi, to their daughters. Despite their relationship struggles, Adam had allowed the girls to bond with Naomi during family outings, even keeping it a secret from the Reddit user.

While the affair itself was painful, the betrayal of involving their children with Naomi stings even more. The Reddit user is unsure whether to confront Adam or try to accept it as part of the affair and their ongoing counseling. Read the original story below…

‘ My (25F) partner bought his affair partner around our daughters (9 and 5)’

I had Lucy, my daughter when I was 16 and I met Adam when she was 2. Lucy’s biological father was never involved and Adam stepped up and took on that role for her and then we had Jessica and he’s just a great dad, the girls adore him. Around 4months ago he told me he’d had an affair with someone we barely know, well clearly only I barely know her.

Things ended and we’re going to relationship counselling. Now this woman, Naomi, I barely know her so my children had no reason to know of her- she’s like my brothers wife’s sisters friend so I’ve got no reason to introduce them. Well as we walked past her, because I’m not a confrontational person and clearly neither is she, I decided to ignore her until my youngest decided to ignore me and run up to her and hug her.

I ended up having to drag my youngest away whilst trying to ignore Naomi. When I asked the girls in the car my youngest said “daddy told us not to tell you” and later on “daddy said it was our secret” My eldest is the only one to tell me what happened apparently they’ve had family day outs with picnics (our youngest favourite thing to do) and even visited a small theme park type thing together.

This hurts more than the affair and I don’t know why. I can move on from the affair but I’m not sure I can move past him playing family with our children and his affair partner. I’m not sure what to say/if I should confront him or accept this was a part of the affair and that we’re in counselling.

Update here: UPDATE; My (25F) partner bought his affair partner around our daughters (9 and 5)

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Northlumberman −  As you write it hurts because it shows that the affair was a lot more to him than casual s** (which would be bad enough). Playing secret families with your children really will be very difficult to forgive.

MyDogFkingLovesRocks −  When I was 10, my best friend, who lived two streets down, phoned me crying hysterically, asking if she could come stay with us.
Her Dad had had an affair and her parents were separating. I watched her life fall apart in real time, with the naivety of a 10 year old. I look back now at what her father did with more horror than I did then.

Her father was a deputy headmaster at a high school, which was opposite our elementary and middle school. Often after school my friend, her younger sister, and myself would walk across the road, and hang out in the empty senior school together, playing childish games, doing craft etc, until their Dad finished work and he would drive us all home.

There was a female teacher there, a colleague of his, who he was very friendly with. They would laugh and talk all the time, play pranks on one another and games. I mentioned it to my parents in passing after one prank and they raised eyebrows at one another, but I was too young to understand.

Naturally, my friend and her sister got to know this woman very well. Her father, the lady, my friend, and her sister would spend most afternoons after school together. Her father and this woman were spending a lot of time together, in fact.

When the affair was uncovered, and the separation of their parents initiated, my friend and her sister had to process many difficult emotions thanks to the extremely selfish actions of their father. They had a liking for this woman, as she hadn’t done anything bad to them as far as their young minds could understand.

They felt a devotion to their father, and a devotion to their mother. When their father dated the other woman for a while after the separation, they also felt some devotion towards her too. She was their friend. Their father had had many affairs during their parents marriage. He trickle truths. It took many, many years for the extent of it to be revealed.

Local affairs, international affairs. Colleagues. S** workers. S**ual only. Emotional and s**ual. To this day, I’m sure the full extent has not and will not ever be revealed.
I guess I shared this to try and give some kind of glimpse from your children’s perspective. Your husband has betrayed you in the worst way possible.

He replaced you and played happy families with your children, and slipped another woman into your role, while you were completely oblivious and sitting at your desk at work, or driving to the dentist. He didn’t even have the decency to tell you.

Be grateful to your child. This is your opportunity. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time- Maya Angelou. Edit. Thank you for the awards. I don’t know what ‘take my energy means’ but it sounds cool regardless.

WickedOnion −  It hurts because he made your children an accessory to his affair. Your youngest is too young to know it was wrong. See a therapist for yourself too, in addition to your couples therapy. Then see a Lawyer for custody.

gotanysparechang33 −  It seems the affair meant a lot more to your husband then he’s letting on. Why bring her around them? Was he planning on replacing you with her if everything worked in his favor? Was he testing out his potentially new family dynamic? If this only happened for 4 months why did he introduce her to your kids?

This is something that needs to be discussed with your husband. This is dispicable behavior. And yes i agree this is worse than the affair. Why bring your children into it? What happens if he decides he wants to cheat again and he brings another mistress around your children?

This is unacceptable i think its time to move on. That man was potentially putting your kids in danger bring a stranger around them constantly. He is not a responsible carer. I honestly think you should leave for both you and your kids sake.. Edit:adding

Roxitten −  I can’t with these people. He’s TRASH. She’s TRASH. Have some respect for yourself. Be someone your daughters can look up to. Get you affairs in order and leave. Pretend like nothing is wrong in the meantime. So the TRASH doesn’t try to sabotage it.

RhiRhi202 −  He got your children to lie to you. He introduced this woman to them repeatedly and played happy families. This isn’t just an affair, he dragged your children directly into that affair in order to get them to bond with the woman. You need to speak to your husband and bring this up in counselling. This goes way beyond the normal affair remit.

Puppet007 −  Ok, cheating on you is one thing, but bringing someone’s affair partner around YOUR kids is beyond messed up. Take your kids and stay with a family member or a friend. They should NOT be exposed to choosing to like a stranger over their own mother. Your partner is trying to get the kids to see Naomi as a better mommy than you by spoiling them together.

If you broke up with him the kids are going to resent you for taking them away from the “fun parents”, I highly recommend you put them in therapy as well since by the time they’ll get older they’re going to realize that Adam was a horrible person that have them spend time with his affair partner while “keeping a secret from mommy”.
I hope that you get your kids far away from them and d**p his ass with no forgiveness.

Anogamy −  I’m sorry but you need to leave. This man is playing with your emotions bringing your biological children around someone who is playing a confusing role such as “mistress”. He has no respect for you and you deserve way better.

Froggetpwagain −  Your relationship is over. This is absolutely beyond an affair. He brought the children around her, then triangulated them by manipulating them to keep his secret. This is sick! You should move out, and if the two of you want to continue counseling, so be it.

But I would be willing to bet anything that is soon as you are out, Naomi will be in. I sincerely doubt Naomi has gone anywhere. Bring this up in your next therapy session, But be prepared to move out. Your husband just prove that it was not about s**, he had a complete relationship, to the point of introducing his children. That is horrible

simply_existing_ −  You said things ended. What are you trying to accomplish with therapy? To better coparent with the children? If that’s the case I would strongly bring it up because he made your kids LIE to you. For me personally I would run so fast from this relationship and strictly only talk about the children.

You are so young you deserve so much more than this piece of s**t excuse for a man. You honestly think he’s going to go another 30-50 years and not cheat again. Or are you just going to keep taking him back over and over again? He’s shown you the person he is, believe it.

Do you think the Reddit user’s feelings of betrayal are justified, or should she focus on healing from the affair and moving forward? How would you cope with a similar situation where your partner introduced an affair partner to your children? Share your thoughts below!