My (27/F) husband’s (29/M) assistant (31/F) sent him a text asking him when he was going to divorce me.

A Reddit user shared that her husband’s assistant, who is also a family friend, sent him a message asking when he would divorce her. The conversation seemed to suggest that the assistant was trying to intervene in their marriage, criticizing the user’s behavior and encouraging divorce. The user is conflicted about whether to confront her husband, the assistant, or just ignore the situation entirely. Read the original story below…

‘ My (27/F) husband’s (29/M) assistant (31/F) sent him a text asking him when he was going to divorce me.’

My kindle recently broke so I’ve been using my husband’s iPad to read ebooks. His phone is synced to it, so his messages show up on it. This morning I was using it when he got a weird text from her, I didn’t open it until I saw the message “when are you going to divorce her”. The conversation went something like this:. Her: Had another fight?\*

Her: You shouldn’t put up with her sh\*t. Her: When are you going to divorce her?. Him: I’m not. Her: You should. Her: She’s using pregnancy to be awful to you. Her: You do realise that? Him: We’re not having this conversation.. Her: We should. Him: \[something work related\]. Her: Whatever, fine.

My husband’s assistant is also a family friend of his. They’re like siblings since they’ve known each other their whole lives and she’s always been nice to my face. I’m honestly shocked by the messages and I don’t know if I should say anything or just act like I never saw them. Do I confront her? Do I confront him? Or should I just drop it.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

NiaNiaNia2000 −  I know everyone is telling you to confront him and look at divorce attorneys, but I am going to suggest the more level-headed approach with the intention of saving your marriage. You should screenshot the messages and send them to yourself for reference. Sit down with your husband and tell him you saw the messages exchanged between him and his assistant.

Point out the ones that make you uncomfortable (the one where she mentions divorce, calls you an inappropriate name etc), and tell him that you are not comfortable with this level of unprofessional communication between an assistant and her boss. It isn’t her business and though they are friends outside of work, your marital problems don’t have anything to do with her and you feel it’s starting to cross your boundaries.

Be calm and just explain how this makes you feel, and that you would appreciate it if they could keep it professional as it seems she’s getting too invested in seeing problems in your marriage and you are worried she may attempt to drive a wedge between you, and if there are problems he wants to discuss, you could look at couples counseling.

Communication is essential in a healthy relationship, and while her intentions are clearly inappropriate and unprofessional, there is no way to discern his unless you sit down and talk about it. Yelling amd fighting about it from the get-go will only push him away and encourage her more.

Once you’ve done this, if the answer he gives isn’t satisfactory, I’d then look at a divorce attorney. Give him a chance to come clean and open up about what is going on, as there may be more we don’t yet know about what is going on.

reddit-less −  It’s clear from your husband’s responses that there is nothing n**arious going on between the two of them. He even shut down any type of emotional entanglement with her. But she is his employee, not yours. So you don’t get to confront her. That would be overstepping into his professional space.

I would have a calm conversation with your husband. “Honey, I was reading on your iPad and your messages with employee came up. Thank you for putting our marriage first when she suggested divorce”. And then see his response.

siriuslylola −  Honestly, he told her to cut the crap and redirected the conversation. That’s exactly what a good husband should do, imo. He needs to be allowed to vent, and she’s clearly a family friend, as you stated. It’s healthy for him to talk about his problems. And it’s even better that he laid those boundaries out with her. I think he did a great job.

hicksluke01 −  Not advice related but his love language may be giving. He gives gifts to show his love

[Reddit User] −  This is easy, sit your husband down. Tell him “I was using your iPad to read as usual but a text message popped up from \[assistant\] and it talked about you divorcing me? I hope you understand I couldn’t help but open it since it was about me. I’m not mad, I just really would like an explanation for all of it.”

kotran1989 −  Think about the assistant like every divorce-trigger dumbnut on reddit.. You had a fight? Divorce. You want space? Divorce. His mom doesn’t like you? Divorce. He is working too much? Divorce His friend sees signs of a struggling marriage because she only sees “pictures” of your relation.

Like with old facebook friends who sees your timeline and sees only what you make public. She is his friend, he is allowed to vent, he never said anything bad about you or even hinted to do so, he also stopped the conversation when she said something stupid and redirected. Like few people that post here, you have a good husband…

nowaytostop −  He should fire her

Elegant_righthere −  Sounds like he responded exactly as he should have. Not sure how to deal with the assistant though..although, I would say that she’s crossed boundaries as an employee and should be reassigned or let go.

StormingBlitz91 −  An assistant has no grounds of interfering and butting into the personal issues of interpersonal relationships, especially the wife of the boss. She crossed a lot of boundaries. I think you should screenshot and save the text and calmly inform him that it popped up, while you were reading.

Ask him if he could set a boundary with her and that he doesn’t discuss your relationship with her because you don’t feel comfortable about it and that she’s so cavalier about you and him divorcing while you are pregnant. That is not a normal relationship to have with an assistant, let alone family friend. Be very calm about it and don’t make it out like you are accusing him of something.

explodingwhale17 −  It sounds alot like this assistant wants your husband. I’d sit down with your husband, tell him you accidentally saw the messages, thank him for shutting the divorce talk down and see what he has to say. Don’t confront, just listen. Come up with a team plan to protect your marriage from outside assaults. Family friends who disparage one partner and encourage a divorce are not acting like friends.

This situation presents a difficult dilemma. Should she confront her husband or the assistant directly, or is ignoring it the best way to maintain peace? What would you do in this situation? Share your thoughts in the comments!