I (43F) just had s** for the first time. How do I tell my husband (44M) that I want to end our marriage?

A 43-year-old woman is grappling with a life-altering realization after a profound and unexpected experience at her high school reunion. Having been in a loving yet celibate marriage with her best friend of 30 years, she’s now questioning the authenticity of her life and relationship. After spending intimate moments with a close friend, she feels awakened and ready to embrace her true self, but struggles with how to break the news to her supportive, asexual husband.

‘ I (43F) just had s** for the first time. How do I tell my husband (44M) that I want to end our marriage?’

I have suffered from what my church terms “same s** attraction” my whole life. My husband has been my best friend for 30 years, married for 25. He has felt asexual since as long as he can remember. Our relationship has been one of absolute loving, cuddly but celibate best friends, and while unusual, has been satisfying and worked for us.

This weekend I attended my 25th high school reunion, about 4 hours from where we live. I stayed with “Eve,” my best female friend from back then. I’m not going into details here, frankly I haven’t even processed it all yet…we m*de love several times. I had my first ever o**asm(s), I felt desired, I felt authentic, real, alive.

Neither Eve nor I planned or expected this. I’m shedding a lot of self-deception, determined to actually live my life now. I’m ready to lose some friends and family, and being unwelcome at my church…but the thing is, my best friend/husband/confidant is totally innocent in all this, and for two days I haven’t slept much, etc, and he’s sensing something is weighing on my heart. How on Earth do I ask to just switch him to best-friend? This sucks. Thanks for listening or any advice.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Pale_Height_1251 −  You tell him. There are no magic words, you just tell him.

lorcafan −  After 30 years together, you should talk with him, not to him. Let it all out, so he knows everything you feel. He obviously loves you, and you love him too. So see if you can find something that works for you both – it might be separation but it might not. Communicate lovingly. Good luck!

[Reddit User] −  Okay I just need to understand something first… You guys are best friends since you were teens and have been married for 25 years… Haven’t you ever discussed that you might feel s**ually attracted to women instead of being asexual like he is?

spred_browneye −  Did your husband know you had these inclinations? You said he was asexual but maybe he’s just not attracted to women and like you married his best friend because of the church?

Scrabblement −  You’re going to have to just tell him. “I’ve realized that I’m actually a lesbian. I found this out by having s** with my friend Eve. It’s helped me understand that I want to be in a relationship with a woman. I’m sorry, but I need to end our marriage so that I can do that.”

But you can’t guarantee that he will still want to be your best friend. He may well be sad and angry that you had s** with someone else and that you want to end the relationship. He gets to decide if he still wants to be friends after you get divorced. All you can do is tell the truth and hope for the best.

Avid_Conundrum −  I sympathise with your personal journey of discovery and, as a quote from my favourite TV show says: “Every time someone stands up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.” However, you cannot escape the unchangeable fact that you’ve cheated on your husband of 25 years here…

If I was in his position, regardless of my own s**ual preference, I would be emotionally devestated by that act and what it signified. As someone who has been cheated on before, I maintain there is a ‘correct way’ to proceed. That is, as many other commenters have said, to sit your husband down and to kindly but bluntly tell him the truth. The whole truth.

Be prepared. He will be emotional. He may cry. He may get angry. He may have questions. You will have to allow him time to heal and only he can determine how involved in that process you are. I am, on a person to person level, so happy for you to find out who you truly are. You are about to embark on a new chapter in your life.

It’s going to be exciting in some ways, terrifying in others. Your ex-husband to be is the only person who can decide whether he wants to come along with you for that journey. And the best thing you can do, when he makes that decision, is fully respect it.

PlateNo7021 −  You cheated on him, regarldess of the conditions that brought up to it. If you cared about him you would’ve talked to him before you did anything with anyone else. Apart from that just be honest with him he may or may not want to remain friends with you (you did cheat on him).

Also are you sure he’s asexual, maybe (like you) he’s homosexual but is afraid to come out? Dropping the church and anyone who demonizes you for being lesbian will be a good thing for you, you don’t need all that s**t. And you still have to unlearn a bunch of their b**lshit too (for example the first sentence, you didn’t “suffer from” anything, it’s not a disease to be attracted to your own gender)

ChangeDisastrous2170 −  Let’s separate these two things. 1) You cheated on him and you need to tell him. 2) you now know you’re ready to leave the church so leave. Your brain is going to tell you that you’re not a good person for cheating on him and maybe you should reconsider and stay in the church. No, leave it. You did cheat on him and that is terrible and you need to tell him but that doesn’t change your realization that you need to leave the church.

Jaydee7652 −  You can’t hide it forever. I’m glad that you’ve had a revelation, but cheating is still cheating, no matter how you try and sugarcoat it. As you said, he’s innocent and has stood by you for 30 years – of course he is going to be heartbroken, angry, upset, confused etc. You have to face it and tell him immediately, it’s the least he deserves.

And if you want my advice, don’t ask him to be your bloody best friend… I’m sure you didn’t mean it like that, but it sounds patronizing as all hell. He’s gonna go through all stages of grief at once, give him space.

ErnestBatchelder −  Despite his asexuality, for him your marriage may very well be romantic fulfillment for him, so you can’t really downplay the fact that you cheated unless you already had an agreement in place that you may sleep with other people. It sounds like you have trauma from your religious upbringing, &internalized some repressive thinking around sexuality & he may have as well.

For those reasons I don’t judge you as harshly for cheating, but I think it is important not to diminish what the act is. You are going to have to be honest with him. I’d highlight what he means to you and also be sincere in apologizing that what you did was break trust in your marriage.

You also need to decide if you are ready to live as your real self and come out, what that is going to look like. Do you want to date women and fall in love- then that means you need to get through a divorce & be prepared to lose him in your life, although maybe not. I’d suggest counseling (outside of the church) to help sort through it.

Navigating such profound shifts in identity and relationships is never easy. How would you approach a conversation that could redefine your closest bond? Share your insights below and join the discussion.