My (28f) best friend (29f) since birth gave me a bad reference for a job she told me to apply to

A Reddit user thought her lifelong best friend had her back—until she found out the friend had secretly sabotaged her job opportunity. Despite being the one who encouraged her to apply, Tori later gave a bad reference, leaving the Redditor struggling financially. When the truth came out, friendships unraveled, and now her husband wants her to forgive and move on. But can a friendship survive such a betrayal? Read the original story below…

‘ My (28f) best friend (29f) since birth gave me a bad reference for a job she told me to apply to’

Our parents have known each other since before we were born. My parents moved across the street from her parents. Her mom baked my mom and dad a cake and they’ve been friends ever since. They even got pregnant around the same time and gave birth a few months apart. Tori* and I literally grew up together and have always been close.

We were inseparable as kids and have always called each other sisters. Freshman year of high school, her dad got a job opportunity and they ended up moving to Cali. We were in Ohio at the time so it was kind of hard to maintain a long distance friendship because of the time difference and everything that was going on in our lives but we still remained close, alternating visiting each other during our summer breaks.

We applied and got into the same college after high school so we were finally reunited at college as we dormed together. Things were perfect. We are both married to our husbands. We live in the same town. Our husbands are best friends as well. Due to this COVID pandemic, I was laid off from my telemarketing job.

It was fine at first because my husband was able to pick up a few extra shifts and maintain our household but his overtime started getting cut so now we were only living off of one income and have had to use our savings to pay a few bills. As of recently, I’ve been looking for a new job and it’s been hard because no one has been hiring.

Tori and I get together once every other week for drinks. I mentioned to her that I was having a hard time job searching and she suggested that I apply at her job and that she would put in a good word for me and I’d be hired. We talked about how fun it would be to work together. Tori is in a similar field as I was.

Not exactly the same but she said that I’d have no problem getting in and that they’d train me for whatever I didn’t know. Later that week, I applied and was called a few days later for a phone interview. We went over my application and she asked how I was referred to the job.

I mentioned Tori and she genuinely sounded excited and bragged about what a great employee Tori is and how if she was referring me, I’d probably be a perfect fit. We finished up the phone interview and she said that she would ask Tori a few follow up questions but that the job was pretty much mine and to be expecting a call back by a certain day.

I texted Tori telling her how things went and thanking her immensely. However, the day came that I was supposed to hear something back and I haven’t heard anything. At Tori and I’s get together, I asked her if her boss ever asked her about me and Tori said no and that she would let me know if she did. 2 more weeks passed and still no word.

I asked Tori again and all she said was that they decided to hire someone else because they had more experience so I dropped it after that. A month later and I am finally back working and my husband and I are getting back on our feet. I suggested that we invite Tori and her husband over for dinner and my husband immediately said no.

I’ve noticed that my husband and her husband haven’t been talking. I asked him about it and he brushed it off. I asked Tori about it at our get together and she brushed it off as well. However, I knew that was odd as they talked almost daily and got together weekly for beer and poker with a few other friends and that hasn’t been happening either.

I decided to press the issue more with my husband and he finally broke down and said that the reason why him and Matt* weren’t speaking was because of Tori. He explained that the job Tori said she would speak up for me to get, she actually did the opposite. I asked what he meant and he explained that her boss actually DID ask Tori about me, and she said a few things to deter her from hiring me.

I asked why he kept this from me for so long and he said it was better that I didn’t know because he didn’t want to ruin our friendship. Matt actually told him what Tori did and he told Matt to tell Tori to do the right thing. They got into an argument and that’s why they weren’t speaking.

I called Tori and she admitted that my husband was telling the truth and said the reason why she didn’t vouch for me was because she didn’t want things to change between us because at work she was a completely different person, whatever that meant. So after thinking about asking me to apply, she decided to change her mind but couldn’t bring herself to tell me that.

I was absolutely disgusted. She knew how much my husband and I were struggling and decided to sabotage my chance at getting a job for no real reason. I hung up and blocked her number. It’s been nearly a month and we haven’t talked yet, however my husband and her husband are back on speaking terms and my husband wants me to make up with Tori and let it go so that things can go back to how they were.

However I’m not sure if they can. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the back. Do I have a right to feel how I feel? Or is it time to move on and let bygones be bygones? I admit that I do miss her, but I feel like I can’t trust her anymore. Had she told me the truth from the beginning, I would’ve been okay. But she lied to my face on multiple occasions.

Update here: UPDATE: My (28f) best friend (29f) since birth gave me a bad reference for a job she told me to apply to.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

MaximumCorolla −  Boy, this was a read and a half. First of all. F**k Tori. She fucked up. You have every right to feel betrayed and to be mad for about 4-6 months. She broke your trust. In my country, trust is fundamental in a frindship. Do you think you can trust her again, after this?

Cookyy2k −  She’s a fake and basically admitted it. She didn’t want her personal and business personas to meet, fine but then why refer you for the job in the first place? What she did is s**tty in the extreme and you have every right to cut her out of your life (it is what I would do). Certainly it is never going back to what it was before, she fucked you over and lied to you.

That said I can’t believe there are companies still officially working on personal referrals, it opens them up to so much potential trouble. If Tori lied to prevent you getting the job (sounds like she did) then she is liable, not saying you should take action but she opened herself up to that by causing financial damage to you via lies.

[Reddit User] −  I can’t begin to imagine how painful this must be for you. To find out your best friend of nearly three decades couldn’t even give you a good recommendation, to a job she recommended you to? Her reasons were purely selfish, and that’s just the simple truth to it.

She put herself ahead of you for no personal gain, which leads me to believe that she’s not being 100% honest on the reason she did what she did. I’m sure her “work” personality is a bit different than how you typically know her, but that can’t logically be the reason she just basically threw away 30 years of friendship.

Either way, she’s wronged you, and you’re well within your rights to never speak to her again. However, ultimately it is up to you. My suggestion is you invite her over to have a talk, just you and her, no husbands involved.

If she can’t be honest and give you a genuine apology, then she’s not worth it. Then again, she might be honest and actually apologize. Even if she does, you’re well within your rights to still not speak to her. No matter what, you deserve an apology.

juicemilf −  No thanks. F**k her. The husbands can stay friends but that isn’t a good excuse to s**ew you over. Also, she’s an adult and incapable of being straight forward. I know you have a job now, but I really want you to see if you can convince Tori to tell her boss she made that up and tell her the truth.

Like pretend you’re looking for a job again or something and make her come clean to her boss, then she can f**k right off. Just for the satisfaction. Say that you’ll only forgive her if she does this. Then block her, and be done with her. She isn’t going to change. What if there are other instances where she lies to you? I wouldn’t take that chance.

little_bean_bun −  I wonder if she has a work flirtation/something like that going on that she doesn’t want you to see/report back on? Either way, this is fucked, no need to bother being friends

LngWait −  F**K TORI. F**K MATT

kevin_r13 −  Maybe your friend is doing something weird at work like cheating with a guy. after knowing her all this time you would think that any kind of personality quirks she has you know about and you already accept that part of her.

So there should be no problem at all to be in the same job with her and see her at her workplace. you don’t have to forgive her and your husband of the backstabbing from this lifelong friend

Hoosierdaddy1964 −  Oh hell no. There’s no coming back from that.

Unleashd99 −  It’s true some people are completely different at work than on the outside. I believe Tori was telling you the truth that she did want things changing at her workplace. She may have been embarrassed about who she was, or even embarrassed about who you are(not agreeing just trying to sort it out).

Either way she should have thought this through long before recommending you apply for the job. She was selfish and chose her comfort over your financial well-being. To top it all off she then lied about it. She has destroyed the relationship you once had.

Maybe she is worth trying to build a new relationship around but it likely will never be as close or as trusting as it used to be. Forgive …. maybe that’s your choice and only you alone can decide if it is worth it. Forget … never, she has shown her true colors. Simple and casual friendship is possible but depth requires trust that you shouldn’t give back to her.. Good luck.

[Reddit User] −  I think it’s valid that you’re upset and don’t trust her anymore. I wonder- if you miss her and don’t want to completely throw away almost 30 years of friendship, it could be worth a genuine and candid conversation with her. Tell her how hurt and betrayed you feel and that you’re having a hard time trusting her right now. Lay it all out there.

If your friendship is really worth saving, hopefully it’ll get through to her and you guys can have a genuine recovery and resolution. If she gets defensive or is unwilling to hear you out, then that may be a reason you consider not continuing friendship with her. I think people on here are so quick to tell you to end your friendship with her – and I agree that you have every single right to feel the way you do,

what she did was wrong and she should’ve handled it verrrrryy differently. But you all have been friends for decades, and people make mistakes. I think it’s just important for her to understand why what she did was wrong and how you’re feeling and see if you can rebuild from there- that is, if you want to. It’s entirely up to you.

Trust is the foundation of any friendship, but once broken, can it ever be fully repaired? Would you be able to forgive and move on, or is this kind of betrayal unforgivable? Share your thoughts.