My bf [30M] wants me [25F] to stop wearing makeup, getting my nails done, and straightening my hair. Is he trying to control me

A Reddit user shares their emotional struggle in a relationship where their boyfriend criticizes their personal choices, including wearing makeup, straightening their hair, and wearing perfume. He goes so far as to call them hurtful names and dismiss their feelings when they express how his comments affect them. Despite attempts to communicate and set boundaries, the user feels unheard and wonders if they are facing a red flag or overreacting.

‘ My bf [30M] wants me [25F] to stop wearing makeup, getting my nails done, and straightening my hair. Is he trying to control me?’

It’s been hard to process what my boyfriend recently told me about some of the things I enjoy doing for myself. He said he doesn’t like it when I wear makeup, get my nails done, straighten my naturally curly hair, or wear perfume. According to him, these things make me a “fake person,” and he goes so far as to say I’m “disrespecting him” by doing them. The most hurtful part?

He often tells me I “smell like a whore” whenever I wear perfume. This comment stings deeply, especially because I take pride in taking care of myself and feeling good about how I present myself to the world. What’s upsetting is that he knew these things about me when we first started dating. I’ve always enjoyed experimenting with makeup, though I keep it minimal—just some blush, mascara, and my eyebrows for work.

I don’t even wear heavy foundation or dramatic looks often. I also don’t straighten my curly hair all the time—only when I get a haircut or during the fall and winter months when it’s easier to maintain. As for my nails, I rarely get them done, and when I do, it’s a treat to myself. And my perfume? I absolutely love smelling good. It’s a small thing that boosts my confidence, and I don’t see anything wrong with that.

I’ve tried talking to him about how his comments make me feel. I’ve told him how disrespectful it is to call me such hurtful names or to imply that I’m trying to be someone I’m not. I explained that these small routines are things I enjoy, not because I want to change who I am, but because they’re part of how I take care of myself.

But whenever I bring this up, he brushes it off or deflects, claiming I’m overreacting. His rebuttal to calling me out on the “whore” comment? “That’s just what whores smell like.” I can’t express how deeply upsetting that is to hear from someone who is supposed to love and respect me.

I’ve also told him that it feels like he’s trying to change me or control me, but he insists that’s not what he’s doing. From my perspective, though, his words and actions don’t align with that claim. It’s like he wants me to mold myself into his idea of what a girlfriend should be, rather than accepting me for who I am.

That’s the hardest part—feeling like I’m not enough as I am or that the things I enjoy somehow threaten him or make me less worthy in his eyes. It’s confusing and disheartening because I thought relationships were about mutual respect and accepting each other for who we are. I’m not trying to change him, and I wouldn’t want to.

Why does it feel like he’s doing that to me? I keep questioning whether I’m overreacting or if this is genuinely a red flag in our relationship. I don’t know how to get through to him, or if I even can. It’s exhausting to have to defend my choices when they’re harmless and bring me joy.

I’m struggling to figure out how to move forward. Is this something we can work through, or am I being shown signs that I should listen to? Relationships should be a source of support and love, but this situation makes me feel criticized and controlled instead. I’m reaching a point where I have to ask myself if this is the kind of relationship I want to stay in.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

walksinthesun −  Hol up…..disrespecting him with choices you make about your own body? Leave this one alone

we_gon_ride −  When my sister was in HS, she got her first boyfriend. First he told her he didn’t want her to wear blue eyeshadow, it made her look cheap. So she stopped wearing blue eyeshadow. Then he didn’t want her to wear any eyeshadow or mascara. She stopped. Then it was all make up. She stopped.

The thing is, if he’d told her he didn’t want her to wear makeup, she would have been like you’re ridiculous no. But he got her to do it bc the “requests” were small ones. They’ve been married for 40 years. He’s never worked. She hands over her entire paycheck and he spends it as he sees fit.

She does not have her drivers license and sometimes she’ll wait for hours after work for him to pick her up bc he’s at the bar drinking. This is your future if you give in to your bfs b**lshit requests.. Run like hell

ChaoticJen_1980 −  Im a social worker who has spent a portion of my career working with domestic violence victims. While I can definitely say that this will escalate, this behaviour from a partner is often the early stages of abuse when they begin to establish control in a relationship.

It is often followed by isolating the person from friends and family, heightened verbal and emotional abuse and ultimately physical violence. This man has already begun to whittle away at your self worth. He is using shame to force you to change. I URGE you to leave this relationship.

Even if his behaviour doesn’t escalate, the way he is treating you NOW is reason enough to walk away. You deserve more…even if more is singleness. You are enough.

1quincytoo −  Major Red Flags here. Break up with him yesterday

YourRAResource −  Run. There’s no gray area here. Run. He claims it’s not? Do you expect a controlling, abusive person to tell you they’re controlling and abusive? Run.

MusclesandMoodSwings −  This is him laying the groundwork for a lifetime of control and abuse. He’s testing the water to see if he can manipulate you. Run far and fast.

Kawaii_Princesss −  Yep. I only read the first two sentences but yes he’s trying to control you that’s how it starts. He doesn’t like it.. tell him that’s too bad because you do, you wear makeup and get your nails done because it’s something you like. See what he says then, he’ll switch it to “who are you wearing it for when you have me and I’m telling you I don’t like it”,

he’ll never understand (or show that he understands) that it’s just something girls like honestly, we can be single and not looking and still want to feel good about ourselves. But then it’s going to be what you wear, where you go, who you’re with, it starts out just like that.

BakeTime1089 −  Does he want you to shave your head and walk three steps behind him too?. Hell to the nah.. Bounce.. edit: fatfingers

itsmythrowaway000 −  Yes, he is being controlling and is calling you derogatory names.

atomsforkubrick −  D**p him. He sounds like a cruel and controlling a**hole.

This post raises important questions about respect and boundaries in relationships. Have you ever been in a situation where a partner’s words or actions felt controlling? How did you navigate it? Share your thoughts and advice below to join the discussion.