AITA For telling my fianceé she’s either with me or against me in this conflict?

A Reddit user shared a dilemma involving his fiancée and her overbearing parents, who have been heavily involved in their wedding planning. The conflict reached a peak when his future mother-in-law booked and paid for a wedding venue three towns away without consulting him, jeopardizing his family’s ability to attend.

After refusing to accept the venue, he told his fiancée she needed to back him up or there wouldn’t be any more wedding planning. Was this ultimatum too harsh, or is he justified in standing his ground? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA For telling my fianceé she’s either with me or against me in this conflict?’

So My fianceè (F, 24) & I (M, 27) got engaged in may and are currently planning for our wedeing in Aug. It’s worth mentioning that I’m the sole earner because my fianceé is still in University, I’ve saved up decent amount of money to afford the wedding.

Thing is her parents get involved in everything. From picking the engagement ring on my behalf, to giving opinions on where we should rent and now my FMIL is constantly giving opinions on our wedding.

FMIL would follow up on everything we do and make negative comments on things like: the best man, the guest list, and food. She told my fianceè she didn’t like who I picked to be my best man and wanted me replace him after a big argument but I said no. Though My fianceè said we shouldve just done it.

MIL also wanted me to un-invite people I wanted at the wedding so she could add more guests on her side of family. I said no to that also. Now the current or biggest conflict between us.

MIL called saying she didn’t like the venue we picked which is in our hometown. She wanted me to reconsider but I said no since my fianceé liked it too.

But my fianceé came to me yesterday to show me a venue her mom picked and already paid for saying since she paid for it then I should say yes this time. I was in shock and angry because not only did she not consult us but the venue she picked is 3 towns away where my BIL lives.

I immediately thought about my disabled parents who can not travel this distance for health reasons, besides that most of my family won’t attend because of distance. I said absolutely not agreeing on this venue.

My fianceé said she disagreed with me and I had no right to complain because her mom AND dad paid a lot of money for this venue as wedding gift and we should accept it.

I calmly explained why I refused and she kept saying I’m refusing on purpose because “I hate her mom” and am playing cat & mouse with her. I bluntly said her mom is indeed making this a game and told my fianceé she’s either with me or against on this issue. She either backs me up or there won’t be anymore wedding planning.

She got upset and started crying asking what she’s going to tell her mom and why I was making her choose between me & her parents but I just feel like she’s refusing to see why I don’t want this specific venue. So what of her brother lives there.

I have never been to that town so having the wedding just cause her mom paid for the venue is not ok.
We haven’t talked eversince that argument. My friend called me ungrateful fool for turning away a free wedding venue over distance but I can’t help but feel FMIL did it purposely.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

PJ_fan −  NTA but this is a very good peek into your future. Your MIL is going to do this all the time about everything and it doesn’t sound like your fiancée has the spine to stand up to her.

You need to have a conversation with her about your partnership and her mother. If you’re happy to deal with this for the rest of your life then good luck with the wedding, but if you don’t want her interfering with everything (imagine when she becomes a grandmother!) then you need to take pause and consider whether this is what you want forever.

amb123abc −  NTA. The question you need to ask yourself is if this is a life you want to live. This isn’t going away after the wedding.

CoastalCerulean −  NTA Run, OP, RUN! Your parents not being able to make it to that venue should be a deal breaker for your future wife, and her parents. The fact that it isn’t shows you just how little they value you, your family, and friends.

Think about how this plays with buying a home, having children, raising children- look how much your future monster in law is trying to micromanage your life now, how is it going to be with babies in the mix? Assuming that’s your plan…if you’re not planning on having kids, how is that going to go over with her?

G0es2eleven −  NTA but you have a r/JustNoSO and r/JustNoMIL and both those subs have many resources for you.
You and your fiancee need to also sit down and communicate and agree on priorities and boundaries.

This is not her having to choose between you and her mom. Rather, is she going to be your partner in a marriage.
Your fiancee has been trained through a lifetime to give in to her mother and likely should seek therapy on her own to think about boundaries and enmeshment.

Read books about enmeshment, read the online essay Don’t rock the Boat, and approach your fiancee with compassion and understanding of her past abuse by a manipulative mother.. Best of luck to you

Khasimyr −  NTA – I’m sorry, but I seem to be missing the part where FMIL decided THEY were getting married instead of you and your spouse. This is YOUR day; yours and your wife’s.

You didn’t ask them to pick a venue, you didn’t ask them to pay for it….far as I can tell, you didn’t ask them for ANYTHING.
Before anything else, I would have a strong talk with your wife.

Not about the wedding, but about how much she wants her parents in your personal lives. If this is going to continue, if they’re going to be making important decisions without your input or approval, you need to know that NOW, BEFORE you commit to a lifetime in their service. Cause they sure as hell won’t be serving you.

If you still decide to get married, you need to have a united front with your wife, that this is YOUR marriage, not their approval of your marriage. If they can accept that and offer suggestions, great.

If not, start trimming down the guest list with them, and keep going with OTHER family members on EITHER side who think they know what you want or what’s best for you both.

xoHela13 −  NTA. Know that this is gonna be your future if you go through with the wedding. Your fiancée is gonna pick her parents over you every time, you need to sit her down and have a serious conversation with her about this.

HotWifeJ2021 −  NTA. But you two need to have a real tough talk here. By building a life with you, marrying you, your fiancée IS choosing you over her parents. She is creating a team with you and you two should be a unit to the rest of the world.

Yes, it’s a good idea to consider the feelings of others, especially loved ones. But your fiancée is used to letting her mom rule her life. Either fiancée needs to tell mom to stop and mean it, or you need to decide whether you really want all of your life decisions impacted by her mother.

What else does her mother get to have a say on? Where you live? What jobs you two have? If you’ll have kids and when and how many and how to raise them? Tread carefully. I know I wouldn’t tie the knot with someone who hasn’t cut the cord yet.

Logical-Dimension-18 −  NTA. Your disabled parents can’t travel that distance, and it is also YOUR wedding. You want your parents there. Do not settle on this issue because the way I see it, it’ll only get worse once you’re married. Stand your ground. Let them know you won’t let them do whatever they want.

whevblsht −  She got upset and started crying asking what she’s going to tell her mom and why I was making her choose between me & her parents. Bruh, she’s already chosen, and it ain’t you. It never will be.

Status-Pattern7539 −  NTA. If the FMIL is aware of your family restrictions then she has done it deliberately so that she will be able to invite more guests. This is not your fault. It is the fault of your fiancée. She didn’t pull her Mum into line.

She is letting her Mum turn this into the mums dream wedding. It shouldn’t even be a choice of you or the parents, it should just be you and her. TBH I would be reconsidering the wedding and the relationship too.

If she can’t set healthy boundaries here what about when you have children? It’s both your wedding and she is letting her mother try and dictate who can be your best man, and how many people you can invite.

If you still want to be with this person (don’t know why, you’re support them and paying for this wedding) then tell them they can pay for one wedding and you will have another (do that one first) where they aren’t invited so they can’t possibly ruin it because let’s be real, your wedding is going to be drama filled. Or just f them all and elope.

Do you think the user is justified in demanding his fiancée take his side, or should he compromise for the sake of peace? How would you handle meddling in-laws during wedding planning? Share your thoughts and experiences below!