I (19f) dumped and blocked my boyfriend (19m) for his comments about my neighbourhood.

A Reddit user (19F) recently broke up with her boyfriend (19M) after he made dismissive and judgmental comments about her neighborhood and a local program that rewards students for academic success. She grew up in a low-income area with gang-related violence, but also with a strong sense of community. When she took her boyfriend to a restaurant that offers discounts and free items to students,

he mocked the initiative, saying that staying in school isn’t an achievement and comparing it to welfare dependency. Hurt and disgusted, she ended things and blocked him on all platforms. Now, she’s wondering if she overreacted, even though she feels strongly about being with someone who understands her background. Read the original story below…

‘ I (19f) dumped and blocked my boyfriend (19m) for his comments about my neighbourhood.’

I live in a very poor hood with a problem with gang-related violence. It wasn’t all bad, because there was also a community of people who loved and helped each other. It’s home. Now that I’m at a huge university in my city, I’ve met people from all types of backgrounds. Of those people, is my boyfriend, who is from a well-off family.

He’s never had to worry about making rent or pretending not to be hungry so your mom doesn’t cry when your parents think you’re sleeping. But I was taught not to talk about money, so we really never covered that. We really did love each other and he made me feel complete.. ​

In my neighbourhood there is a small *”establishment”* that offers free *”services”/”products”* to kids who get good report cards/GPA. That applies from elementary school and until the end of College. College kids who provide ID also get a crazy discount. Finishing high-school isn’t something super common, so it’s a great way to reward us.

The good-grades thing usually stops after like 6th grade, so it’s a great way to encourage kids. It’s like, in my HOOD hood and hasn’t been “discovered” yet by any of those people who think relative poverty is trendy. I think they’re too scared to come this far out lmao. It’s super lowkey. I took my boyfriend to this restaurant and he was cool the whole time.

He never seemed scared or judgemental. When we walked in, I was getting out my school ID. I explained to him the rule and how much it meant to me. He laughed. I asked him what was so funny. He said “They shouldn’t applaud a fish for swimming”. I asked him to explain what the hell he meant by that.

He says that they’re just giving out handouts for people who are doing the bare minimum. That getting good grades and going to school is an expectation, not something super revolutionary. I told him that IS where I live. It’s not easy to stay in school, when nobody around you does.. This started a huge argument.

I asked him how many friends of his dropped out, he said none. I have 3. They were smart kids, but they got caught up in dumb s**t. It’s really easy to do that in my neighbourhood. My mom goes to a new funeral every week. Some of the kids I grew UP with are in jail right now. My mom STILL hides from me whatever the hell my cousins are up to.

He said that giving the kids free stuff for something they don’t deserve is like welfare. That there’s “nothing impressive about NOT being a criminal, it’s basic requirement for being a part of society”. And that shouldn’t get you free s**t from a “g**tto ass *’establishment’* ‘”. That this is why people get dependant on welfare.
At this point I told him I was done.

I didn’t want to debate, I didn’t want to talk him. Not then, not ever again. We just went out separate ways. I broke up with him as soon as I got home. He thinks it doesn’t make sense for us to break up after something so small. That we’re not going to be one of those couples that throws away everything over one conversation.

I told him, yes the f**k we are. He’s been trying to contact me but he’s blocked on everything. I think I may have overreacted with the block, but I want him to leave me alone. I don’t want to work it out. All my friends agree with me, but they’ve lived in the same neighbourhood..

I’m not saying I HAVE to be with someone who’s from my hood. But I have to be with someone who at least gets it. Especially when “it” has shaped who I am today. Idk what kind of person I am, but I think I might need to be in a relationship with someone who gets it. That “establishment” means a lot to me.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

DocMondegreen −  I grew up poor, but rural poor. The “we went fishing/hunting/foraging so we’d have enough food” kinda poor. There are some similarities- folks want to get out, there’s a major dividing line between people doing the minimum and people doing the best they can, lots of d**g problems in the area, and education is either the best thing ever or so undervalued it might as well not exist.

I don’t need to be with someone who grew up poor, but they have to have enough empathy and imagination to (attempt to) understand. It’s really hard to remain in a relationship when the two people don’t have the same values. When I see threads about dealbreakers, etc., I’m always disappointed when they focus on minor things like pop culture.

The real dealbreakers are when you can’t agree on things like how we value people. I can stay with someone who doesn’t like my favorite music, but I can’t stay with someone who can’t at least try to understand how things like class, inequality, racism, sexism, and so forth affect our world (and affected how I grew up).

This is all to say: Don’t feel bad. Maybe he’ll grow out of his sheltered mindset, but you don’t have to be the one who forces the growth and you don’t have to be there as an unwitting victim of his mindset. I spent a lot of time in my early 20’s trying to ignore my background or “teach” potential partners, and I usually ended up hurt and/or ashamed.

It would have been better, for me personally, to look for a partner who understood and who wanted to help make the world a better place, rather than trying to fix one who looked down on poor people. Edit: Thank you for the silver, kind redditor. And the golds. I hope you all find peace with where you’re from and where you’re going, and a true partner for the journey.

theskipster −  What you are looking for is not someone from your hood. I don’t think you need someone who got through the struggle. I think you need someone with compassion and that is a quality your ex is severely lacking. If you look at it that way, I think you did the right thing too. I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t have compassion.

Vin–Venture −  I just find it surprising how many people in these comments seem to believe that income inequality doesn’t (or shouldn’t) have a tangible effect on the achievements that someone will make in life. The fact is that your statistical chances of not going to university/college, or not completing high school, or being involved in crime increases the more poor a neighbourhood you live in.

Achieving the “basics” that OP’s ex talk about become a lot harder when you’re in that situation, and even harder when you’re surrounded by a neighbourhood and culture of others who fail to achieve them too.. ​If I was born in a neighbourhood where gang on gang violence was massive, and poverty was rife, the statistical chance that I would join a gang to make money,

then possibly end up in prison, or dead, would be much higher than what they are for me right now, in the decent middle class neighbourhood where I was actually born.. ​I think OP can do what they want in this situation, they’re allowed to choose who they want to date at the end of the day, and I also don’t think that OP’s ex was deliberately being an a**hole,

I just don’t think they understand how much circumstances affect mentality, morality, struggles, achievements, etc. We can hold people to the same standards (Don’t commit crimes, or kill, etc) while also understanding that statistically some people will be more likely to conform to these behaviours through no fault of their own. This is why such incentive programs exist, to try and bring the odds back into poorer people’s favour.

lilmissfilly −  I honestly remember having a similar argument with my now ex boyfriend im from canada and i truly believed that aboriginal peoples here deserved all the subsidies and resources availible to them for what we had did to them in the past taking their land and also all of the cruel and henious residential schools (last one close in 1996 btw )

and he believed they didnt deserve anything at all i we argued about it for a week and i was so sick and tired of at all i wanted to break up with him and he manipulated me into think that it was stupid for me to break up with over this so i did ended up staying for another year or so honestly wish i had broken up with back then but you live and learn i really do think you made the right decision that i wish i had made

[Reddit User] −  Your BF is clearly too dumb and privileged to realize what growing up in a bad neighborhood is like. Maybe try and educate him on the topic more. He has a very ignorant view on society. If he still doesn’t realize he’s wrong then just drop him. There is Plenty of fish in the sea.

kulikovofield −  Get off your high horse and stop virtue signaling. You’re no better than him.

[Reddit User] −  Basically you got mad at someone for having an opinion? Like you have a opinion on him having an opinion? Who’s to say you are not correct? It’s okay to conversate and have different views. That’s over reacting in a childish way what you are doing just cause he has a different thought. Amazing how double sided people can be. Owell

geekaz01d −  There’s a thing a friend of mine (he’s 65) calls “adolescent philosophy”. As he explains it, when you are young and starting to exercise agency and figure the world out, you are prone to favoring absolutes. Everything fits neatly in a box. With age and weathering *some people* develop moderation in their views.

As they begin to discern the flaws in their absolute views, they seek out the nuance in things, and employ a lot of empathy in the process. One could say that this is how wisdom (the balance of heart and mind) is acquired. I think that your ex-bf may be right in the pocket of that kinda mindset. It’s a common trap for young conservative males.

I personally am forgiving of it (even if I’d rather not be around it) because I remember, in hindsight, my propensity for adolescent philosophy when I was much younger. S**t, I’m still struggling all the time. That’s the thing about it. You either sign up for the struggle or you give up and pick a convenient “truth” you are willing to wear.

Your personal experience of where you grew up has been formative for you, and it is integral to your identity. The boy did not respect that. He’s all about competition, dominance and survival of the fittest. He’s not wrong, he’s just missing half of the picture. Anyway, he lacks the empathy for you and the respect, so to the curb with him. He may also mine this experience for wisdom in the future. So you did him a favor.

beaglemama −  I’m not saying I HAVE to be with someone who’s from my hood. But I have to be with someone who at least gets it. Or someone who might not get it but is willing to learn. It sounds like when you were telling him about the importance of that “establishment” to you, he doubled down on being a j**k. Keep up the good work and stay in school.

cocainetea −  I was in a similar situation as you were. I have a boyfriend who has always lived in a house and went to schools where they had actual instruments and real school supplies, while I went to schools “in the g**tto” where we really ain’t have s**t. I’ve seen first hand that people from these neighborhoods, after I left, got caught up in some rough s**t not making it to college or even high school.

It’s hard out there, it’s not as easy as people put it especially if you don’t have a support system. Point is, my boyfriend and I would get into a lot of arguments regarding stuff like that. I wanted to break up with him but I’ve realized that this isn’t second nature to him, as it is for me because he hasn’t lived in that environment. It is all new to him.

He’s heard of it but hasn’t dealt with it, therefore he is not going automatically see where I am coming from and agree. He’s not as passionate about it as I am and that is okay. Him and I are serious about our relationship so it has taken him a while to actually listen and understand where I am coming from.

And it has taken me a while to not get upset when he says something he doesn’t really know about. After MONTHS, we can now communicate and be patient with each other about topics similar to your situation. Your decision is all up to you. This is something you are passionate about and have seen first-hand so it hits home.

He was wrong to laugh and mock it but he hasn’t grown up the same way as you did. I feel like this may be a good opportunity for him to learn about what’s outside of his “well-off family”. If you’re willing and ready to talk, you could explain and let him see your side. If he’s not willing to be more open-minded, then it’s time to go.

Understanding and respect are fundamental in any relationship. When someone dismisses your experiences and values, it can be a sign of deeper incompatibilities. Was she right to end things, or should she have tried to help him see her perspective? Share your thoughts!